Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
FullMetalRabbit · 20/03/2018 12:34

Sorry SIL - it's not possible for us to contribute to the present or attend the lunch - hope you all have a great time, must catch up soon - love chorltonwheelies

Chapterandverse · 20/03/2018 12:34

No way.

Just say you'll sort your own present and that you already have plans for the day of the lunch.

No way should you be railroaded into this.

Quartz2208 · 20/03/2018 12:35

Just say no you cant and put your nuclear family first

Ubercornsdiscoball · 20/03/2018 12:36

So it is your husband’s brother? No chance your family can help look after the children for the lunch? If not can just your partner go instead?

Ultimately his birthday, his choice.

You certainly don’t have to agree to money you don’t have but can’t you maybe suggest a different gift or something?

Ubercornsdiscoball · 20/03/2018 12:37

I do feel whoever sibling it is should try and attend the meal. It is his 50th and family are important

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/03/2018 12:37

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

So buy BIL a present you can afford and wish him happy birthday!

If they don't want to understand "Can't afford it" leave them to it.

Did remind them that the meal day was also your birthday? SIL and BIL sound a bit self absorbed, but then it is his 50th.

Just back out and enjoy your DDs birthday and your own.

That and, assuming that you're calling them BIL and SILL means one of them is sibling to your OH, I hope he is dealing with it quite robustly!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/03/2018 12:38

If not can just your partner go instead? On his wife's birthday? Not sure that would fly with me,...

Chocolatecake12 · 20/03/2018 12:39

Dear SIL
Unfortunately we are unable to attend on that date - however we would like to invite you to come to our house for Sunday lunch on this date.
The pen is a lovely idea but I’m aftaid way out of my price range - I’ll get my brother a gift from us separately.
Enjoy the celebrations
Love chorlton

AnnaleeP · 20/03/2018 12:40

Just say no. You can't afford it and you want to celebrate your birthday with your children.

If she wants to buy him a Mont Blanc pen, she can put her hand in her pocket instead of expecting everyone else to contribute.

And the posh restaurant is just a joke. No doubt you'd be expected to chip in for BILs food. They pick a restaurant everyone can afford or it doesn't happen. I loathe it when people expect others to pay for their high and mighty ideas about themselves.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 20/03/2018 12:41

Wouldn’t bother me at all if my husband went to a sibling’s 50th birthday on my own birthday but then I don’t feel like the world revolves around me.

Maybe some others do.

It’s a lunch ffs not a holiday Confused

PissedOnMyCornflakes · 20/03/2018 12:42

Say no. It's your birthday that day and you have your own daughter to buy for. They must understand that.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:49

We can’t afford £150. If I can get my parents to do childcare we might do lunch. Otherwise DH will go on his own. He never stands up to siblings. They are v tight-knit which is nice.

I had a thread on here a few years back. We went without a family holiday so he could fly abroad for another brother’s wedding & he thought I was unreasonable for objecting.

Not helped when he got pissed & left me a message about keeping the house tidier so that the new relies can come to visit!

He thinks the gift of the pen is OTT but not the lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:53

Though I just found out it’s lunch because the siblings have determined evening menu too expensive. And of course there is the price of the train ticket £25 per person.

OP posts:
Ubercornsdiscoball · 20/03/2018 12:56

Here comes the drip feed....

DonttouchthatLarry · 20/03/2018 13:00

Just send your husband to the lunch on his own and say you already have plans for your birthday. And maybe buy him a bottle of ink/refills for his pen? Wink

Figgygal · 20/03/2018 13:04

Is this SIL pushing for this or BIL? either way the pen is a pisstake, I would send DH to lunch on own to cut down on cost and faff - but I don't care about birthdays anymore and know some people do.

MarklahMarklah · 20/03/2018 13:05

How much does a pen cost??! You can buy a pack of 20 in poundland, and they write on paper just the same Grin
Actually I have a MontBlanc pen. My old boss gave it to me about 20 years ago, when it had been unclaimed for 6 months following a meeting. I failed then (and still do) to see what all the fuss was about.

Joking aside, you can't commit financially to what you can't afford, and that's ultimately what it boils down to. Unfortunately some people seem to think that throwing money at someone shows that they are well thought of, rather than actually spending time with them, which is far more important.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 13:05

Not a drip feed, which I am not sure I fully understand.

I’m just venting really because I am upset to be put on the defensive about not being able to afford to contribute to the pen & being made to feel selfish about the fact that maybe, with a busy life, I might like to be made to feel like I matter, am a bit special on my birthday and feel a bit resentful about the fact that a plan has been made without considering that a) we might be skint b) it’s my birthday and c) requires us to go travel into London & pay for childcare, instead of say, I dunno a friends & family get together at home or surprise party or something. Shrugs.

Sorry for thinking the world revolves around me & my kids. Are you my SIL?

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 20/03/2018 13:06

Just fucking no.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 13:07

Pen is SIL idea. Lunch is BIL’s idea. Venue chosen because it is the site of the hospital he was born in.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 20/03/2018 13:07

Wouldn’t bother me at all if my husband went to a sibling’s 50th birthday on my own birthday but then I don’t feel like the world revolves around me.

I agree

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 20/03/2018 13:08

Who spends £450 on a pen, or £600 if the SIL is contributing as well?!

misses point of thread

Who actually are these people who demand others contribute to things in this way?! It's bizarre.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2018 13:08

Just NO to the pen. Fucking ridiculous.

If I were him I'd say no the lunch, too. Too expensive and I would never, ever put my siblings above my own kids and nor would she expect me, too.

KitKat1985 · 20/03/2018 13:10

Yeah I'd be saying no to both the pen and lunch. Grin

chibsortig · 20/03/2018 13:11

Just say no.
You genuinely cannot afford to chip in for the pen so dont. Let your husband go to the lunch if you can afford it if not then tell them you cant afford it.