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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Andylion · 20/03/2018 17:20

the hotel which was the hospital seems a bit narcissistic TBH. Or definitely weird.

Make him a plaster of Paris plaque to commemorate the location of his birth.

Whocansay · 20/03/2018 17:21

You cannot afford it, so don't do it. Any of it. Suggest you celebrate with him another way.

I would put it to your DH in very simple terms. Should your DD go without for his brother? Should your DD come second place to his brother? And finally, should YOU come second place to his brother on your own birthday?

Your DH can lose the 'D' if he can't get his priorities straight.

SandAndSea · 20/03/2018 17:33

I think I would try to adjust the way you're looking at this. They're trying to arrange a lovely time to celebrate a special day and you're invited!! That's a nice thing! You could go and have a really lovely time and look back on it in years to come as a really happy memory. If you don't think that's possible, then it's fine to politely decline.

bunbunny · 20/03/2018 17:44

What would your dh have got his so if sil hadn't been blithering about the pen? And does he think db will actually like/enjoy/use the pen?

Then get dh to tell sil that he has already got a present, that he is not sure about dbil's reaction to the pen - so doesn't want to be a part of it, even if he could afford £150, which he can't. And that the meal and travel are too much even if it is just him so to count him out although it sounds like a luxurious treat and you hope he has a lovely day,

expatinscotland · 20/03/2018 17:46

' If you don't think that's possible, then it's fine to politely decline.'

Did you bother to RTFT! They have five kids, they are skint, their daughter has a birthday the same week.

What on Earth is lovely about expecting people to spunk £100+ on a meal to celebrate Me, Me, ME?!

ohwhataday · 20/03/2018 17:51

If you get to 50 and want you family to have a very fancy lunch then you pay for them.
The pen is ridiculous idea.
I'd just day 'it all sound lovely but I'm afraid it's beyond our budget. Come for lunch with the DC the week after and I'll make you a fab cake'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2018 17:51

£48 for a mains. They’re just fucking rude! And I agree with some of the pps. They’ve taken precedence once too often.

MrsLupo · 20/03/2018 18:31

Why do you have so many kids if you are so hard up though?

Oh ffs, there's always one. Perhaps OP values parenthood more highly than Mont Blanc pens? Perhaps one or more of them were accidental pregnancies? Perhaps they weren't broke when they had the kids? Perhaps OP was an only child or was orphaned and has a deep-seated emotional need to surround herself with a large family? Perhaps it's none of our fucking business.

GreenTulips · 20/03/2018 18:48

Sorry , but I really need to know how they exclude the kids and Christmas get togethers! Please share!!

As for the meal etc .... it's bloody rude of your DH to go and leave you on your birthday - you should be looked after all day- OR you go to London and enjoy the meal - he can stay home with the kids !!

Willow2017 · 20/03/2018 19:09

Its very strange that they always seem to chose events that op and kids cant go to because they are either excluded or cannot afford everyone to go, only dp.

I would be saying have a nice day but we cannot afford either your ridiculous pen nor £25 for train fare to go to a meal.

Op has as much right to enjoy her birthday with her family as bil has. Her and dd should come first not some pretentious bil who thinks people will give a damm where he was born ( not as if he has fond memories of the place!)

If they are on a tight budget then £25 just on train fare (op did say and there is the cost of train fare as well so i suspect they are expected to pay for the meal)and then present on top is a weeks shopping. To much to expect.

Not everyone can afford the same stuff, if bil wants an expensive meal then he will have to accept not everyone will be able to attend.

pigsDOfly · 20/03/2018 19:10

So the posters suggesting the OP's DH goes on his own think it's reasonable for a man with 5 children, where money is a bit tight, to go out on his own on his wife's birthday to have a swanky time spending upwards of £100 on one meal for himself. If you include the train fare and drinks then the contribution for his brother's meal, in a place like that, he'll probably be lucky to get away with £200.

I can think of a hell of a lot more worthy things a family of 7 can spend that sort of money on.

And they're also asking for £150 for a bloody pen as well.

DeathStare · 20/03/2018 19:11

Why do you have so many kids if you are so hard up though?

Perhaps because situations change. And medical science has yet to find a way to shove children back in if a parent is made redundant, has investments that go pear-shaped, has their pay slashed or becomes ill or disabled.

There but for the grace of god/a lot of good luck go any of us.

Willow2017 · 20/03/2018 19:18

sand its really not if you know damm well the people you are inviting cannot afford to come. Its rubbing their faces in it.

See ops update £48 for one main dish ffs! How much would a whole meal for 2, £25 train fares for 2 plus babysitters cost do you think?

Its a ridiculous amount to expect someone to pay to spend thier birthday doing what someone else wants them to do.

Op has her birthday that day plus dd's in the week yet its ok to ask them to spend £100+ on someone elses birthday and sod all on thier dds birthday?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2018 19:19

Not being able to spunk £300+ for a meal, pressie and train fare for your BIL doesn’t mean they can’t afford their kids.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 20/03/2018 19:20

What chaz said. They've got priorities, making sure that they CAN afford their kids.

SandyY2K · 20/03/2018 19:20

Anyone else think its a dickish move to have a birthday celebration for someone, on one of the guests actual birthday? I would never do that

For a milestone birthday, I wouldn't mind. He's obviously chosen the Saturday nearest to his
birthday.

The meal is fine. It's the £150 for the pen I'd refuse to be part of.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 19:27

How do they exclude kids at Xmas & Easter?

Get togethers in swanky expensive restaurants to exchange gifts at 8pm.

Or suggesting that on Xmas Day (DH works until the afternoon), we pile kids into car to London flat and drive back in the evening, rather than coming here where I am happy to host & have space to put them up.

We have to go there. They can’t come here (just outside M25 & we live opposite a railway station) because it’s too far.

OP posts:
AnnaleeP · 20/03/2018 19:29

If you invite people out for an expensive meal on your birthday, you pay, end of. To expect your guests to shell out that kind of cash to celebrate your birthday is extremely selfish.

Sounds like your DHs family like to splash the cash but when all is said and done they can't afford it either, otherwise there wouldn't be the expectation that you pay to be a guest at this ridiculous meal and share the cost of that stupid flashy pen.

mashpot · 20/03/2018 19:30

The Lanesborough is one of the most expensive hotels in London. With drinks you’ll be looking at £200 per head, it’s not somewhere you would organise a birthday lunch unless you knew everyone was very well off. For a milestone birthday I might suggest going here for a cocktail!

londonmummy1966 · 20/03/2018 19:31

So you can't afford a party for your dc but your dh still intends to shell out what will be at least £200 by the time food and travel and a contribution to BIL's lunch has been made. Just to keep his siblings happy on your birthday. Just think what he could buy you and your dc for their birthday for that with a meal at pizza express thrown in.

Just tell your DH how you feel at always being left out - you expressed it very eloquently on here, and that you want your birthday for you to be made to feel special for a change rather than the one who's missing out. Tell him to man up and say no. Or is he embarrassed at having less cash to flash than his siblings?

Esker · 20/03/2018 19:35

They sound like such an unreasonable bunch!! Who the fuck assumes that people (esp who they know are hard up) have £150 to contribute to a gift?! Very unfair on you OP to be put in the position of chief objector when it's your husband's family. He should be the one pushing back.

LoopyLoo92 · 20/03/2018 19:35

Was about to say WTF...who spends that much on a pen....then went searching mont blanc.... he must be getting a cheap one. Found one for £7,900 yet the info about it states The nib carries the first characters children learns at school and the "learns" is making me twitch!!!! For £7,900 I want perfect grammar on the listing!!!

Anyway.....They are BU to expect £150 to be given for a present, especially a pen. My siblings and I have an agreement to not buy presents for each other, and even then the nieces and nephews get £10-20 each, nowhere near £150!!! I don't even spend that on DH.

ChasedByBees · 20/03/2018 19:36

It’s completely ridiculous and insensitive to invite people to this lunch knowing they can’t afford but expecting them to pay. Will your DH really go knowing he won’t be able to spend the same on his DD?

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 19:37

It’s not personal in as much as MIL really wanted to help her DD, my SIL, to pay for her wedding gown & made the offer. SIL knows that her parents struggle.

MIL was taken aback to be landed with a bill for £3.5K from a designer boutique for what was, admittedly a lovely dress.

At the wedding I was really upset on PILs behalf that PIL were not at the top table, despite doing speeches. They had a modern arrangement & were surrounded by mates.

I didn’t say anything but was very hurt on their behalf. MIL is a lovely woman. She told me the next day how upset she was. SIL had thought that as they were paying for the wedding they would do it their way.

As the only daughter & youngest child, I think SIL has been able to run rings around her parents for years, is very entitled, calls the shots & everyone indulges.

OP posts:
Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 19:45

Sorry too many “hurt on their behalf” there.

But I do think a lot driven by SIL although all of them are aspirational. DH is absolutely not materially driven at all.

He’s baulking at £150 for a present & paling over the meal which TBF, he’d like me to go to & have as my birthday treat too, if we could get childcare. He thinks I’ll appreciate the gourmet cuisine far more. He’d be happy at the Harvester. Smile

We will try & sort it I think but we are saying no to the pen. He was thinking £50 tops for a milestone present and maybe £50 for the meal.

OP posts:
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