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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 13:35

BIL knows nothing about pen. It’s not his wife but his sister who has come up with this plan.

BIL does have a partner (just moved in) but AFIK she is in the dark about the pen. It’s a blood famlee thing.

Liking the ink idea though.

#pengate

OP posts:
happygirly1 · 20/03/2018 13:35

Regarding the present, be honest and say the pen is outside of what you can afford.

As someone who has a birthday very close to MIL, I know how tricky it can be to ensure both are celebrated (especially when one is on a weekend day and the other one isn't). It isn't always possible to celebrate both equally though if it's a big birthday for one of you.

I'd let your DH go to the meal on his own if he really wants to but make sure the next weekend you do something to celebrate your birthday. Or, if you can get someone to look after your DC, see it as a way of having a nice lunch with family on your birthday?

artichokehearts · 20/03/2018 13:38

Another option would be to have a nice family day in London doing something you and your DD want to do and meet join your BIL's lunch party at the end of the meal for desserts / coffee. You can then skip the expensive part (assume you are worried you will be asked to pay) but it would still be appreciated that you do come along to celebrate with them.

Witchend · 20/03/2018 13:38

I think response to pen is approximately "hahahahahahaha"... much as ours was when one of dh's tried something similar for 40th birthday despite not having bought dh anything for his 40th the year before.

Meal out isn't dreadful at £25. I think I'd send dh on his own at that and enjoy a evening on my own.

GnotherGnu · 20/03/2018 13:39

Does BiL actually want the pen? My bet is that, at best, it will sit on his desk and gather dust.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 13:40

No I don’t have an issue with him seeing his family at all, but it seems that all too often they organise big extravagant things which we can’t afford for both of us to do & I end up feeling resentful.

Maybe I am selfish in that I wish that sometimes they could take me/the kids into account instead of treating us like an inconvenient appendage & putting pressure on DH to spend money he doesn’t have & choose between us.

OP posts:
MermaidHead · 20/03/2018 13:40

Just say no to both ideas, you can’t afford it..if they don’t understand that, it’s their bad..not yours

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 13:40

It's one of the siblings who's come up with this?? Tell her to butt out Confused

niknac1 · 20/03/2018 13:43

I think it is wrong to expect such a large contribution to a gift and agree the meal should have been somewhere easily accessible and affordable. I would say no thank you and not worry about the reception by your husband’s family. I would feel exactly as you have described.

boredofwaitingagain · 20/03/2018 13:44

It's not the Gordon Ramsey restaurant is it? I got engaged there. It is obscenely expensive.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 20/03/2018 13:46

There are mont blanc pens starting at £200 so they could get one cheaper. Why do you have so many kids if you are so hard up though?

Ubercornsdiscoball · 20/03/2018 13:47

It’s lunch. It’s an important birthday. Let your husband go and then he can celebrate your birthday later on or maybe make a day of it on the other weekend day?

It’s your BIL’s birthday. His decision how he spends it. If he wants it in a posh place then that’s his call. Fair enough if you can’t afford it for either of you but I do think one of you should try to be honest.

I’ve already said just say no to the pen.

They probably just don’t appreciate the strain of having 5 children on finances.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 20/03/2018 13:49

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

A hotel I used to work I gave copies of these pens to guests, bulk buying them cost literally pennies per unit.
They were indistinguishable from the real thing to pretty much everybody.

If you think this, you have clearly never seen a mont blanc. Perhaps you are thinking of a bic! I have a £700 pen which I have used every day since I bought it.

PositivelyPERF · 20/03/2018 13:49

Your husband won’t stand up to them but is happy to use family money so he can save face, because that is what he is doing OP. He needs to realise he’s an adult with his own family and they should come first.

pigsDOfly · 20/03/2018 13:50

Am I the only one who finds a pen a bit of an odd present in this day and age?

Unless he's someone who has to sign and great many documents, when exactly is he going to make use of it? Perhaps he is and would love a pen.

Few people write letters any more, again maybe he's different.

As pp said, it's more likely it'll just end up sitting on his desk, or wherever, gathering dust.

Teacuphiccup · 20/03/2018 13:50

Why is it you that has to say no??
Why can’t you just leave your DH to say no. I think it’s very unfair that you’re being made to feel like the bad guy.

MsHarry · 20/03/2018 13:50

You just say sorry my budget won't stretch to that especially with DD's birthday at the same time. You get your own present from your family.

DarkDarkNight · 20/03/2018 13:51

That is a ridiculous amount of money to expect siblings to spend on a grown ups birthday present. I would be embarrassed if my siblings spent that much even for a milestone birthday. Spend more on a grown man's birthday than your own child's? Just no.

With the lunch if it's out of your price range it's out of your price range. Not just the lunch but train tickets on top, any other expenses.

I would rather spend the day with my children, I don't think it's selfish at all to not want to spend your own birthday celebrating someone else's birthday after the fact.

mancmummy1414 · 20/03/2018 13:52

Say no to both - you deserve to be spoiled on your birthday and any money that DH was going to spend on the meal should be spent on you or the family.
Immediate family trumps extended, ‘0’ birthday or no ‘0’ birthday...

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 13:54

I've seen the real thing, WhatshallIdonow...

Notcontent · 20/03/2018 13:56

OP - is BIL paying for the lunch? I th7k it used to be an unwritten rule that if someone chose organised a birthday celebration at a restaurant then that person paid - a bit like with a wedding, where you would not expect your guests to pay....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2018 13:57

It is utterly insensitive and thoughtless for them to try to enforce such an expensive present.

If I were @chorltonwheelies, I would be completely blunt about it - "I am sorry, SIL, but as we cannot afford to spend £150 on our own daughter's birthday present, or to give her a party, there is no way we can afford to spend £150 on a pen for BIL, or the cost of coming to an expensive meal in London. In addition, the meal is on my birthday, and I would like to spend that with my family. I am sure you will understand why we cannot contribute to the present or go to the meal."

Troels · 20/03/2018 13:58

Just say no.
Send a message saying the pen is above our price range and the lunch is arranged for the day of your own birthday, that they are all welcome to come by for cake and ice cream on your birthday of they wish. Things won't be extravagant as Dd's 7th birthday on xx date is your priority.
They sound a bit self absorbed.

OVienna · 20/03/2018 14:02

I'm really in two minds here.

I think you both sound entitled to some extent!

"They aren’t open to considering any other plan." My first reaction was 'fuck them then.'

But - I do think your BIL is entitled to a special event for his 50th that is meaningful for him - even though it isn't exactly ideal for someone with five kids and skint (you). They may feel it just isn't possible to be as inclusive as you would want them to be.

As I read through your posts it did start to feel like what you had in mind was an event that considered ALL of your individual family's needs as a priority (then we hear it's on your birthday too.) I think that won't be possible for his 50th and I do wonder if they're putting their foot down because this isn't the first time the dynamic has worked this way and they're thinking to themselves: FGS it's his 50th! THEY need to compromise this time.

Dunno. Saying no to the pen is contribution is fine. Lunch - not so much.

Ghostontoast · 20/03/2018 14:07

I would reply to SIL that it sounds like she has planned a wonderful birthday for BIL, however due to your family having to live by a strict budget at the moment, you will be unable to join in this birthday celebration.