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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 22/03/2018 07:38

Anya
No of course when you have a strict budget everyone should spend £25 each on travel, organise childcare for kids and go to a lunch that costs £40+ just for one main course on somene elses whim. Perfectly reasonable...not.

Its not only ops birthday but thier dds too and they can only afford £30 for her present. You seriously expect them to fork out £150+ then add on drinks for someone elses birthday? Inlaws are completely selfish to expect that never mind the stupid pen.

J4 · 22/03/2018 07:38

Auditqueen you sound perfectly horrid. What do you mean his wife usually decides DB can’t go as it’s not child friendly. Is your brother not prepared to put his family first? If they have 3 children and you and the other couple have none perhaps they don’t have the same level of spare cash for meals out, have you even considered that? Perhaps you should try showing them some hospitality and inviting them round for a meal, far easier going to someone’s house for a meal with 3 children in tow, especially if they are young, than a non child friendly restaurant, this would also help with finances. If you were really keen on seeing your DB perhaps you would offer this alternative instead of knocking the mother of your nieces/nephews. ...until you walk in someone else’s shoes.....

GreenTulips · 22/03/2018 07:46

people invite you to things bc they want you to be there and be included at something special

If they treuely wants dOP there they would make the occasion affordable for all - not to the exclusion of all of OPs family.

What's wrong with a Harvester if they wanted the company rather than then over priced meal?

Notonthestairs · 22/03/2018 07:48

Anya I agree family is important - so why not do something they can all attend AND celebrate the Op's birthday as well?

KERALA1 · 22/03/2018 07:51

I would so lose that pen.

Willow2017 · 22/03/2018 07:53

auditqueen

Because op probably doesnt expect herself or anyone else to fork out £150+ for her birthday 'lunch'?

Because she prioritises her kids birthday treats over some grown adult?

You can celebrate a birthday for a fraction of that amount. Whats the big deal about 50 anyway? Its just another birthday no more amazing than 49 or 51.

Op has a budget as most of us do. I only have 2 kids but no way would i be paying that amount of money for someone else to indulge thier ego. Who cares where he was born anyway? Not like he even remembers the place is it?

myrtleWilson · 22/03/2018 08:04

can you clarify with SIL what the deal is with the lunch - if its the tasting menu with paired wines at £220 pp then whoa! But if its the three course for £39.00 then that is more reasonable... (but still check what the deal is with wine/drinks)

Cindie943811A · 22/03/2018 08:32

Does this mean your DH’s other 3 sibs ( you said he was 1 of 5?) will expect the same on their special birthday? And what about when they all turn 60 and 70 etc?
Perhaps his sister expects her planned generous demonstration on behalf of her sibs will mean a similar gift for herself and a slap up meal in the doge’s Palace or similar.
What will DH get you for your birthday? Tell him his allegiance is to his wife and children first, next parents and then sibs
Good luck

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 22/03/2018 10:55

A fuss for my birthday would be some danish pastries for breakfast, though I hate pain au chocolate (whole other thread), nice walk or bike ride with kids & dog. ‘Birthday tea’ with kids, including cake and then Chinese take-away with DH with prosecco film & snuggles!

Aside from costs (and I am trying to get clarification on this) going out to a posh restaurant in London feels too much like hard work!

OP posts:
OVienna · 22/03/2018 11:19

I don't actually disagree with auditqueen overall. Shoot me! I have kids but I have experienced first hand, and numerous times, other people who feel their status as parents and their kids'' needs trump everything, always. Some of these people do need a wake up call that they can be perceived to be very self-centred and not a good friend.

But there is a big BUT - OP's relatives have made it clear there is no give and take, all activities are being set up around what works for them with no regard for her DH's circumstances. The OP is equally entitled to just say: this doesn't work for us. Nope, can't do that. No, doesn't work. Have a great time but - not possible for us.

Like a previous poster said, I am sure the if the recently married but currently DC free siblings have kids they will become the sort of parents that 'need' everything organised around their routines etc.

ThatItIs · 22/03/2018 11:57

And as for all the money business, well asking anyone with 5 children to contribute that amount and attend an expensive lunch just shows what self entitled inconsiderate people they are. They should absolutely be paying for you

That’s ridiculous. It was the OP and her husbands decision to have kids. Why should anyone subsidize them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The OPs DH can chose whether to go or not. If he can’t afford it then he can’t go. It’s simple. The decision is his. This is a DH problem.

beachcomber767 · 22/03/2018 18:17

Having owned one, can honestly say mont blanc pens v overrated! Too small barrel and ink only lasts short time. Mine lives in a drawer. Tall order for you to pitch in with precious funds. Charity begins at home. Send lovely pertinent card and call it a day. Am sure your bil will understand.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2018 18:59

Dh has one too. It is never used as dh prefers a bic style with a lid.

LoveProsecco · 22/03/2018 20:34

I would buy an affordable gift and card. As a lunch invite it's ridiculous to "expect" anyone to attend

AlmondOrchard · 22/03/2018 22:35

The pen is ridiculous, the lunch not so much. I think as it's a special birthday your husband should probably go, if you can't afford to both go. 50 is a special birthday and you could have your celebration on another day.

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 23/03/2018 06:41

50 is a special birthday

Why is it AlmondOrchard? I'll be 50 in May. I recently mentioned to my DM that my tablet is on it's last legs and that I'll have to buy a new one. She offered to get it for my birthday but I instantly refused. No way would I want her to spend that much money on me just because it's my 50th!
My birthday will likely go fairly quietly, certainly no expensive gifts, DH will be working and I'll be more than happy to just get cards from ny immediate family.
It's just another birthday. Just another day.

OP your 'D'H really needs to step up here. NO to the ridiculous gift contribution and NO to the expensive meal! Spend what you can on your DC birthday treat, that's where both your priorities should lie.

Snugglywithmycat17 · 23/03/2018 06:52

My dh would not allow his family to do that to me. That is the biggest problem.
He needs to grow some balls and tell his family that they are being selfish organising something on his wife’s birthday and a meal that is to expensive.

This will continue forever, every event! It needs to change. Good luck

cueominousmusic · 23/03/2018 07:22

This is off topic, I'm sorry, and I hate to sound obtuse, but what type of job fits the term "vocational role"? Obviously, I don't want specifics, just in general terms. I assumed it would be a trade, like plumber or electrician, but the way some posters have written, the implication is that it is a low paying job - which in my experience most trades are not.

gdaymatey · 23/03/2018 07:56

@Snugglywithmycat17 agree with this. Don't know why you accept this behaviour from your dh.

MintyChops · 23/03/2018 08:03

The problem here is your DH.

BerylStreep · 23/03/2018 08:09

Cueominousmusic I would assume some sort of nursing or policing role would fit 'vocational'

auditqueen · 23/03/2018 08:55

until you walk in someone else’s shoes.....

I'm never going to, being infertile and after listening to my SIL banging on for years about how I'm not a normal woman, demanding that we all pay for their children whenever we do go out with them and the children themselves being horrible, spoilt and unpleasant human beings.....fuck em.

ralfeesmum · 23/03/2018 11:05

A pack of Bic Biros and Steakbakes all round from Greggs - sorted!
(I'll bet any money your BIL manages to lose the fancy pen down the back of the settee/someone in his office nicks it/one of his kiddies 'borrows' it just to find out how many flushes it takes to make it go down the loo!)

BerylStreep · 23/03/2018 13:26

Wow auditqueen that's some amount of vitriol you feel towards your DBro & SIL. If your SIL has said what you describe I can understand you feeling anger towards her, but it isn't really relevant to the OP's situation.

milliemolliemou · 23/03/2018 14:15

Cueo Vicar does it.

OP ask Mumsnet to take this thrread down. It is so identifying it's unbelievable. If it gets into the Daily Fail, and might already have done, then there'll be fireworks.

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