BIL birthday - OTT?

[chorltonwheelies]

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

My BIL and SIL don't have kids. We do, in addition to numerous other hangers on (pets). It can't always be the case that activities are planned with our interests considered primarily, however inconvenient it is for us, which is sometimes very. Could it be that the dynamic has become - five kids trump everything? And their nose is out of joint.

It doesn’t matter if they aren’t open to considering any other plan.
NO , we can’t afford it and No we won’t be attending and repeat if asked until you are blue in the face. Sometimes I think I live on another planet, where people think it’s ok to expect these things but also where people also feel so forced into things that they go along with it

Who is paying for the lunch?

I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you need a rant which is fine.

If it hadn’t been your birthday I. Suspect you would still be annoyed that only one of you could go to meal.

Rise above this and let dh go. Tell them no to pen. Then ask dh to do something you want to do another night / day. Something free.

That way you can’t be viewed as bu.

I think you rant on here and suck it up.

'But - I do think your BIL is entitled to a special event for his 50th that is meaningful for him '

Oh, please! It's just another day. NO ONE is entitled to demand people stump up for something special to them just because it's their birthday. He's 50, not 5.

Anyone else think its a dickish move to have a birthday celebration for someone, on one of the guests actual birthday? I would never do that.

Expat sure he is. If she doesn't want to go, doesn't think it's important, she doesn't have to. If it's important to him - that's fine. Her birthday is important to her, her DDs birthday is important to her - more than her BILs. Is that also unreasonable?

It's not just you. They should know it's the OP's birthday that day so I'd be feeling pretty aggrieved about that tbh.

No that wouldn’t bother me room

Tell him you've booked a table at the canteen in the hospital you were born in

In the case of the kids, of course it's reasonable, Vienna, because her daughter is a child.

hmmm. I actually would love a Mont Blanc pen - they are very special. However, you can get a lovely one for more like £300 which would more than halve the contribution.

We are from a family of high earners (all) and we all chipped in £50 for BIL's 50th present, and he laid on a party. I think £150 is a riddiculously high amount for a sibling present tbh. Can you suggest an option like below...

www.montblanc.com/en-gb/collection/writing-instruments/starwalker/8486-StarWalker-Platinum-Resin-Ballpoint-Pen.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxvu6g4v72QIVSrftCh092AOSEAYYBSABEgIxr_D_BwE&pcrid=82935023461&mkwid=sswigHGBp_dc&mid=1036um820549

No to the pen - "we will get our own gift".

"Lunch would be lovely however we are skint (otherwise they'll suggest another date) so can we suggest we each chip in for drinks/lunch at The Hospital for BIL and partner to enjoy together" - lunch for 2 will be much cheaper and they are less likely to get carried away with wine list etc.

"But we'd love to see you all together to celebrate all the birthdays so please come round to lunch on x-date."

Anyone else think its a dickish move to have a birthday celebration for someone, on one of the guests actual birthday? I would never do that.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Especially a 'big' birthday.

It's clear the issue is also very much that the lunch has been set on the date of HER birthday as well.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day.

Sorry but I don't get all this hoo hah these days about 40th and 50th birthdays! 🙄. (I'm 62 so well past both 😂)

In your shoes OP I would be saying no to both. £150 towards any gift 😱 - are they having a laugh? £25 for a train ticket to go to a lunch that God knows how much it will cost to you once DH gets there. And, on YOUR birthday??? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I could easily afford the gift and lunch but just wouldn't want to spend that amount and wouldn't hesitate to say so. My DH's siblings are also very comfortable financially and they would completely agree with us.

Your DH's family may be very tight knit but they are bloody inconsiderate. If they don't like being told no then tough shit!!

So the Lanesborough ( ex St George's Hospital) ? Swanky indeed - have been there twice and it is lovely but very expensive .

People really don't get what being skint means. That's like 2 weekly shops for one quarter of a blimmin PEN?? madness.

You must decline and if it were me I would be making sure my 7yo was the priority for birthday spends not a 50 yo man who presumably has had 49 birthday parties under his belt already.

7 is such a great age and a lucky number to boot. Suggest to SIL that she might like to chip in £50 towards her niece's party. ahaha. sorry. But ii'd completely say no to that pen and perhaps also be a bit snarky to the SIL who suggested it for her insensitivity in suggesting it at all!

DH can go on his own, it's his brother.
Book a babysitter for the evening or go for a family day out on Sunday instead to celebrate your birthday. Absolutely no way to the hideous pen. Why are some people so thick as to waste £600 on tat. Don't worry too much about DD, my DD was 7 this year and she asked for a spirograph set, gel pens and some new leggings. Spent £30 tops and she was chuffed to bits with what she opened plus some extra bits from grandparents etc. No party either - don't let it worry you.

Am I the only one that's shocked about needing £450 for a PEN?? Is this a normal pen that writes on paper?

OVienna. We, or rather Me, is always compromising.

BIL got married abroad. DH went alone because we couldn’t afford air fare for all of us.

SIL got married last year. Kids not invited.

The family are always doing loads of adult-only activities & get togethers which DH goes to. There’s never any intention to invite the kids. Including at Christmas & Easter.

And yes, the family do know when my birthday is, the day after BIL. It’s often joked about.

'DH can go on his own, it's his brother.
Book a babysitter for the evening or go for a family day out on Sunday instead to celebrate your birthday. '

They are skint, but he's supposed to go pay top whack because his bro's chosen an expensive restaurant and then magic up money for babsitters and days out for their 7-year-old? So the 7-year-old has to be happy with £30 tops because a) your daughter was b) Daddy spent the money on an expensive lunch for his adult brother?

The mind boggles.

expat, the OP hasn’t said they’re expected to pay for dinner. Just train fare for town.

It's nice to do something for a special birthday or anniversary, but I've always been of the opinion that the people throwing the party / event cough up the main part of the cost - i.e. you host a party at your place and probably provide most of the food, some of the booze, and possibly ask guests to bring a bottle or a plate of something / or you hire somewhere and maybe lay on a bit of food, some bottles of fizz and a cake or something and all your guests have to pay is some additional drinks at the bar. Or you have a meal at a restaurant that you know is within the range for ALL of your guests and won't make anyone uncomfortable. This meal sounds like, when you factor in tip, drink, possibly covering cost of BIL etc, you could be looking at similar region of the pen in terms of costs.
And on that note...if my DB and I club together to get a joint present for our parents, the present would equally be from both of us but I wouldn't dream of suggesting we split the cost down the middle just because I appreciate I'm in a different financial situation to my DB. I think it comes down to being able to put yourself in others shoes....some people are just not very considerate.