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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 20/03/2018 13:12

God. Imagine OP wanting her DH to be there to maybe treat her nicely on her birthday Hmm

Wanting not to don the same old shit on your birthday does not mean you think the world revolves around you. I'm the sort of person who finds it hard to relax or be spoiled, my birthday forces me to do this. It's not a bloody crime!

HazelBite · 20/03/2018 13:12

It is very unreasoable to expect people to pay loads to celebrate your birthday. If you want others to join you in celebrating in a resturant you foot the bill, otherwise host a small get together at home.
As for presents you can't expect people to contribute a set amount everyones circumstances are different and it is rude and unreasonable to expect otherwise.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/03/2018 13:13

I do feel whoever sibling it is should try and attend the meal. It is his 50th and family are important

If they’re that important, you do something affordable & inclusive.

Just say ‘We aren’t available on that date, as you know it’s my birthday and we are spending it as a family. As you well know we can’t afford to spend the kind of money that train fares to London & lunch there will cost. The Pen is completely out of our price range for presents, so count us out’

They know you can’t afford it. Call them out on it.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 20/03/2018 13:14

I'd say no to both, and expain why: 'Sorry, SIL (does BIL know about the poen?) £150 is the price of our food shop for the week and I can't afford to spend that on a present. We can only afford to spend £20 on dc's bday.'

If you like BIL, why not invite him round to yours for dinner and do cake and fizz, so you are celebrating it, but in a way you can afford?

(Who are these people who demand bonkers presents? I've never heard anything like it.)

mumgointhroughtorture · 20/03/2018 13:14

I would be making sure if your OH does go he only has access to money you can afford for him to spend because you don't want him spending family money or money set aside for your DD's birthday whilst celebrating with his family.

If it's a posh place they will be ordering expensive food and drinks and then at the end expecting your OH to pay his split of the very big bill and of course paying a share of BIL's part too ....
I don't get the fuss people make over birthdays personally ....

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 13:19

DH says parents in law have been asked to contribute to pen. So pen is £600.

OP posts:
Sophiesdog11 · 20/03/2018 13:20

No, no and no again. No is a full word and stick to it!

We could afford it but didn't ( and wouldn't) spend anything like that on SIL 50th or her DHs, and they didn't spend anything like that on ours!! Who on earth decides what the rest of the family are going to buy their brother??

As for the meal, just no and no again. Your birthday, you do as you wish on that day. If he wants a posh meal, then he should pay for it and on a day that isn't your birthday.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/03/2018 13:21

As for your DH, I’d tell him if he goes, it’s a deal breaker. Tell him you are fed up of him putting his siblings before you and your children. You are skint, you cannot afford it and it’s YOUR birthday. Time he thought about you and his children instead always putting but his siblings first.

If his DB was that nice & really wanted ALL of his family together to celebrate his 50th birthday, he should have organised a family party, not an expensive lunch where his nieces & nephews aren’t welcome. Then he and SIL could have shouted his parents out for lunch at the restaurant that’s on the site where he was born.

Time to take a stand.

Steeley113 · 20/03/2018 13:21

I just looked at the pens Blush wow they’re ridiculous! No way would I pay that for something I can get from a pound shop! I’d say you can’t afford the £150 but will get him a bottle of ink (around £30) to go with it if they get it. I’d go to the meal but make sure they know it’s your birthday too!

JollyGiraffe · 20/03/2018 13:23

£600 for a pen?! No way!

It did make me laugh slightly that they chose the restaurant because it's the site he was born on...... Oh dear.

As PPs have said, apologise that you can't contribute to the pen.

I do feel that your DH should be spending time with you on your birthday though. Money for the expensive dinner should be going towards both yours and your DDs birthdays. I would be upset if not.

JollyGiraffe · 20/03/2018 13:24

Steeley I like the idea of a pot of ink!

pigsDOfly · 20/03/2018 13:25

So OP has to be okay with her DH going to his brother's expensive birthday lunch because if he doesn't and goes out with his wife and children for her birthday it means she thinks the world revolves around her. How odd.

However SIL demanding £150 from people for an overpriced pen and expecting them to shell out for an overpriced lunch is fine. Because clearly the world must revolve around OP's BIL. Right.

As it's your birthday OP. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say you already have plans.

And what's wrong with saying you cannot afford to spend £150 towards his present so will be buying something more within your price range.

WitchesHatRim · 20/03/2018 13:25

As for your DH, I’d tell him if he goes, it’s a deal breaker.

Imo that is OTT unless you are actually going to leave him for it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 13:26

50 year old men do not get to dictate what other people do to celebrate their birthday. Nor do their wives get to demand a £600 gift.
The site of the hospital he was born in Confused
Genuinely; who does he imagine gives a toss about that except his mother?
Tell them you're busy celebrating your child's birthday and have nothing more to do with any of it.

MysticFlyTrap · 20/03/2018 13:27

Who are these crazy people that spend so much on a pen! Of all things! ???ConfusedConfused

I would send a note saying thankyou for the invite but we cannot make it and get him a gift of your own affordability.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 13:29

Oh, I misread that; it's your birthday, not your child's. Even better... What are they buying you?
Have you issued a list of demands?
Have they asked?
Ridiculous people.

MysticFlyTrap · 20/03/2018 13:29

Just looked at them, they look just like 90's fountain pens from Whsmiths. Buy him one of those of Ebay and say you bought it, he will never knowGrin

MimiSunshine · 20/03/2018 13:30

Birthday lunch gets a response of ‘how lovely. That’s a fab location for our joint celebrations, I wasn’t really sure if anyone wanted to anything on for my birthday too, so that has cheered me right up’

They surely aren’t going to ignore it’s your actual birthday on Saturday and you may find that plans get swiftly altered.

And just say no sorry we can’t afford it on the pen. £600 is INSANE

artichokehearts · 20/03/2018 13:31

And I am sure they can source an excellent Mont Blanc pen (if that is their wish) for £450 so do not feel pressurised on the pen. I'd go to the lunch if I could, or at least send DH, rather than spend on any present. Turning up will always be remembered whereas who cares about a pen?!

Aside: can DD not come to lunch aged 7? For us, train fares to London are cheaper when we go as a family compared to two adults as we get a group ticket!

Bundlesmads · 20/03/2018 13:32

YANBU about the pen.

YABU about the meal, it sounds like they are paying for it. So as long as they have given you sufficient time to budget for train tickets and sort childcare YABVU.

I get an undercurrent from this post that you may object to contact with his family in general seeing as it seems to be an ongoing issue.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2018 13:32

Mont Blanc cartridges are even cheaper Wink

Sit your DH down with a budget and asking what he expects your DC to forgo so that BIL can get his pen and swanky lunch. Ask him to his family to chip in £150 each for your present.

We decided to do a big family lunch for one of my Dad's landmark birthdays. Some of my family are skint so I paid because I am not skint (I even have a Mont Blanc pen Shock) and it was my idea to do the meal.

Notcontent · 20/03/2018 13:33

Who is paying for the lunch by the way? Is BIL paying for everyone?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 13:34

A hotel I used to work I gave copies of these pens to guests, bulk buying them cost literally pennies per unit.
They were indistinguishable from the real thing to pretty much everybody.

LagunaBubbles · 20/03/2018 13:34

£600 for a pen?? Oh my god thats obscene.

MrsLupo · 20/03/2018 13:35

Just no to the pen. Buy your own gift, which doesn't need to be expensive to be thoughtful. But I think you should celebrate your birthday on a different day so your DH plus/minus you can go to the lunch - unless that's out of the question financially too, in which case there's no dilemma really. And assuming that he wants to, of course - perhaps he'd rather spend the time and money on you.

God knows why people do such extravagant things for birthdays just because they have a '0' on the end, especially when they must know they're going to cause hardship and bad feeling.

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