BIL birthday - OTT?

[chorltonwheelies]

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

I clearly didn’t rtft I assumed the lunch was being paid for by bil and you had to pay the train fare.

If you also have to pay £100 plus for lunch for dh only don’t and spend what you can on your child.

Agree with others he is 50 and should be accepting of it .... like an adult would be!!

Outrageous! If you host a party/lunch you pay! You should be able to chose the gift you give and can afford.

Ok chorltonwheelies - in which case, I'd go with my first reaction and probably tell them to F-off.

The reason I mentioned it is that I do have friends whose ILs will NEVER compromise - their kids always come first and all events are being planned around their needs. It's almost like it becomes a bit of a standoff with normally reasonable people becoming increasingly unreasonable when they feel their needs are not being met.

But this isn't the case here, I see.

What a set of selfish idiots including your DH who seems happy to go tp all this family gatherings without his family.
He should say no because you cannot afford these ridiculous OTT family gatherings.
No wonder you're skint if DH is spending money you don't have to keep the selfish idiots happy.

DH needs to put his own DW and DCs first.

Anyone who spends that much on a bloody pen is ridiculous. What is wrong with a Bic?! Honestly, if someone got me a pen worth hundreds of pounds for my birthday I would be horrified, what a vulgar waste of money.
Just tell the truth. You can't afford it. Any reasonable person would understand that. Invite them over for cake and a get together at some point instead.

Fair compromise sounds like getting your folks to watch the kids and going for lunch but getting your own present.

Just seen the link to one of these "special" pens upthread... £290 for what looks like a £3 rollerball with a plastic top . Holy shit. I'm actually quite stunned.

This blows my mind. SIL wants a designer pen which she can't afford so wants others to pay up. That's insane.
Lunch planned for where he was born wtf does that? At 50 you'd have thought people had learnt that greed is very unbecoming and stop wanting trinkets way beyond their means.
As it's your birthday too it's absolutely your choice as you have a family which includes children who want to be with their mum on her birthday.
Also they expect you to let your daughter miss out too as it's more important pretentious SIL and greedy BIL are prioritisd.
Who does that? No one!

Your DH is not putting his family first in any of this. Bastard!
Hope your dh stops being a mug and apologises to you and tells his greedy grabby siblings to fuck off as his wife and children are more important .

May be just me but I hate it when adults make a massive fuss over their own birthday, I find it very childish. If the ridiculously expensive pen is what SIL want to buy her own husband then that's fine but she shouldn't expect others to contribute. Just explain that the contribution and meal are out of your budget, especially if they know money is tight for you anyway. They sound ridiculous, YANBU!

So your in laws want you to cough up £350+ to celebrate your bil’s 50th and eat lunch with them in a swanky restaurant on your birthday. They know it’s your birthday. Yet this fact is being ignored.

If the evidently more well to do in laws really wanted your presence not your presents, they would be firstly offering to pay and secondly doing it on mutually convenient day. This isn't the case, so why would you even be contemplating this??

They don’t seem to respect you and your family in the least. My dd would be really upset if she had to stay home while her parents went out to celebrate someone else’s birthday. My birthday is really important to her. So we always have cake and a nice meal either at home or in a restaurant as a family - we are thus showing dd our nuclear family is the more important than those on the periphery or those, who treat us unkindly.

As for your dh, I would hope that he’d want to spend the time with you and not fritter money away you don’t have through the pressure they exert on him.

Having seen your update OP I agree with this: They don’t seem to respect you and your family in the least.

I suspect they think it's a pain your DH isn't available the way he was to them because of his family commitments. Not enough disposable cash and flexibility that they would like but they're going to keep pretending this isn't the case and keep planning events that suit them regardless.

For this reason alone YANBU. It's not even about whether it's wanky to plan a big birthday or whose birthday is more important TBH.

Just stop dancing to their tune.

As said, stop allowing them to treat you so badly.

I'm 50 soon. I've chosen a nice present that works out about £25 per person, its still a treat item.

I've chosen an activity that suits everyone, think Aquarium type place and we are all taking a picnic.

In previous years I've then had a weekend away etc with friends. I wouldn't want family to struggle to join in. If I wanted something as expensive as the pen, I'd ask for those getting me something to put towards it and I'd count the rest as a present to myself.

I was given a lovely and very expensive pen years ago as a corporate thank you gift ( client gave them to an entire team of six) . It is an object of elegant beauty and it has a nice weight for writing but the refills ( ballpoint) cost about £8 each so it's not exactly in constant use.

Sorry, but I think your DH owes you his time and effort on YOUR birthday. Decade birthdays have gone the same way as stag/hen dos - totally OTT. Have some nice thank you cards or writing paper printed - for his new pen. Plenty on notonhehighstreet.com Remind your DH of the two weddings and plenty of adult only events that he has been too. He needs to get his priorities straight -your birthday all the way.

Your DH needs to grow a pair of balls and stand up for himself.

Ridiculously OTT. I'm all for a big party for 40th or 50th birthdays, DH and I had great 40th parties. But they know you're struggling financially, so expecting you to contribute £150 towards the cost of a ridiculously expensive present (a PEN???) is very entitled.

Your DH should put you first on this occasion as it is your birthday. Just buy your own present for BIL (one you can afford) and send it to him.

Thank you for responses. We are all supposed to be chipping in for lunch.

The hotel which was the hospital seems a bit narcissistic TBH. Or definitely weird.

It reminds me of driving past the hospital one of the DC was born in & she asked if all the nurses would be outside waving. But she was 5.

OP is it The Lanesborough!!!??

'We are all supposed to be chipping in for lunch.'

Of course you are, including for himself because he's the big I AM. FFS. Plenty of my friends are turning 50, I'm nearly there myself. Been to a few parties, you bought your own drinks and everything else was supplied. Only one of us could go as DS has autism and can't get a sitter for him but hey, totally reasonable, a few drinks, whatever we could afford in a car and a taxi home. None of this 'give me this' and 'buy me that' bollocks.

Yes it’s the Lanesborough. Which I have never heard of, apart from it being the name of a school in Guildford.

All sprung on me this morning.

Your h needs to grow a pair. I'd be unimpressed with him, tbh.

Others decided to go away with their other half or with family.

Not a single one has demanded a particular gift everyone is required to chip in for or a meal in a swanky restaurant you need to buy, too.

Oh blimey. I only just looked at the menu, £48 for a main course!!

DH loves his Brother & it’s rare the entire family get together because of where they all live, so he really wants to go, which I get but

'DH loves his Brother & it’s rare the entire family get together because of where they all live, so he really wants to go, which I get but shock'

Oh, FFS! Yeah, I love my family, too, but you know, my kids come first and so do theirs. They know that. With train fares, he's looking at spunking the better part of 100 quid on this fucking lunch, more if, as I suspect, he's expected to also pay for his brother's share. When he's skint and it's his 7-year-old daughter's birthday. I'd go fucking spare, OP.

The pen is clearly ridiculous. So is the lunch. My husband wanted an expensive dinner with 12 guests to celebrate his 60th. I paid the bill - they were his GUESTS. But that dinner was his birthday present from me. If you want an expensive meal, you foot the bill.