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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 23/02/2018 13:52

No, you're not the only one. A few of my friends do this and it seems like a total pain in the arse!

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 13:54

We do the same and it works for us although h earns more so he pays more. That's the only thing I would say about your situation, don't be too independent!

You will get people say that if you are married then everything should be shared but the one thing h and I haven't argued about is money as it works for us.

SundaySalon · 23/02/2018 13:56

Whatever works for you. There’s so many ways to share finances, do you pay equal amounts towards bills or a figure that represents your salary difference? Me and DH put money each month into a joint account, that’s our joint spending money, so food, dinners or petrol. We both pay towards bills and school but I earn a considerable amount less than him so he puts in more. After savings we are both left with the exact same amount ‘personal spending’ money.

I suppose if you’re both happy then it doesn’t really matter?

wowfudge · 23/02/2018 13:56

We have a joint account which all our household expenses are paid from. DP puts in more each month as he earns more. The rest of our salaries is our own. If an unexpected expense comes up or we want to do get or do something that the joint account money won't cover, we discuss and plan how to pay for it. I find this keeps the day-to-day stuff simple.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 23/02/2018 14:00

It's up to you, but I think you're mad. You work a lot less hours (and I'm guessing do a lot more childcare) and you have a lot less money than him. And you're not married? You are in such a precarious position.

I have no idea why adults in a committed relationship would be happy with an arrangement that is so unfair, but its your choice to make.

Bluelady · 23/02/2018 14:01

Our finances are completely separate. He pays some bills, I pay others. It's a swings and roundabouts situation. We've been married for nearly 20 years and it's worked well for us. The thought of a joint account fills me with horror.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 14:02

Not strange at all.

Pre marriage we didn't have joint finances, it's not something I've ever do with just a boyfriend. We simply paid 50/50 of the bills and then anything left over was for personal spending.

We only joined them on marriage as the mortgage company insisted on a joint account so we changed. I'd have been happy either way.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 14:02

Don’t get me wrong there’s a few times he’s paid for me as he’s been adamant that he wants to go somewhere and knows I can’t affo4d it so goes ahead and buys tickets of his own accord. But that happens maybe 3 times a year.
My colleague isn’t the only one that thinks it’s strange, he’s just been more vocal about it.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 23/02/2018 14:04

We have separate finances but much fairer than your system. We have an account for all bills (it's in my name) so dh pays x percentage of his wages in and I pay lot less in as I earn less. We are both left with same amount of spending money and what's left I'm in bill account at the end of the month is divided into two savings accounts - one in his name and one in mine

SundaySalon · 23/02/2018 14:04

If you were to go to the theatre or even cinema do you pay for your half and he pay for his? What do you do if the DC need something?

Youshallnotpass · 23/02/2018 14:04

We have a joint bank account which we both pay our share of the bills into, every bill comes out of that.

Otherwise we keep our own money in our own accounts.

We do have a "Kitty" which is in the joint account too for joint days out and what have you.

InDubiousBattle · 23/02/2018 14:06

What would/will happen of your dc want something you can't afford to go halves on but your dp can afford to pay for? Some music lessons, a big school trip etc?

SundaySalon · 23/02/2018 14:06

Sorry just re-read your OP. That’s seems a lot of hassle, my DH is so bad at admin if I paid for school shoes out of my own money and expected half I would be chasing him for months!

PaperdollCartoon · 23/02/2018 14:07

You should do what’s right for you, but I don’t think it’s a fair for two people in a partnership to have very different amounts of spending money, it should be equal, and equality doesn’t always mean 50/50

parklives · 23/02/2018 14:07

I would be worried about the future in your position, will you personally have enough money to retire?

InDubiousBattle · 23/02/2018 14:08

Did you cut your hours to take on more of the childcare?

DeliberatelyAwkward · 23/02/2018 14:10

How do you split the mortgage/household bills/groceries?

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 14:12

I feel better that We are not the only ones. If my DP had his way he would pay for most things. But Im an independent women, who believes I don’t need a man to pay for everything for me. I have been since I was 16. He’s currently saving so we can take the kids to Disneyland Paris... his idea, I’m a bit dubious as I can’t contribute but he told me to get over it and it’s happening wether I like it or not.
I know a few women who live off thier DH money. I just don’t feel right about using someone else’s hard earned cash to pay for something personal.

OP posts:
desperatesux · 23/02/2018 14:14

Don't do this !! I was exactly like you and he earned WAY more than me. He of course over time got used to it and now sees things as "his" money and while he has millions I have relatively little despite the fact I contributed hugely to his wealth ( I work for him) . I believed it was one pot so what did it matter but it means he can now give up working (something he has talked about and just investing etc) if he wants but I'll have to work until old age. I was too independent and didn't want to be seen as any way of a gold diggger, stupid as it sounds now. We are together almost 19 years and I want to ease off on the working FT but I can't.

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 14:14

I do think you need to get your head round holidays and big purchases though. Like I said I am similar to your self but h pays for holidays etc. That benefits the whole family.

Zhaoli · 23/02/2018 14:15

We used to do seperate but in last couple of months we’ve moved to joint, been together 7 years and was just becoming a faff to deal with the finances when joint is easier.

soapboxqueen · 23/02/2018 14:16

It isn't weird in that more and more people are dealing with their finances in this way.

I personally think it's weird because the alternative seems like a complete pain in the arse and probably unfair on somebody in the long run.

dejectedharry · 23/02/2018 14:16

In our house we put 80% of our wages into a joint account and keep 20% for ourselves.

We can do what we like with our 20% but the 80% covers all our bills and then there is extra in there for doing things together.

I earn a bit less than my DP, but with this method we've never argued over money and I don't feel like I'm taking 'more than my share'. I think it's a really fair way to level the playing field when you're on unequal salaries. As a PP said 50:50 is not equal if it is leaving you struggling.

mumofmunchkin · 23/02/2018 14:17

Did you cut your working ours to look after the kids? If so, have you thought about him compensating you somewhat for that - kind of like paying for childcare. He is able to work the hours he does and earn what he does because you work less and do more kid stuff - if your finances are separate then I feel like this should be reflected in that.

silveline · 23/02/2018 14:21

I think you should do what's right for you. DH and I have separate bank accounts, I prefer to keep my own account and it's better for DH's taxes too. But we do share our money - DH earns more than me so he pays all the bills and everything when we go out together. I'd find it too much hassle to split bills and costs all the time, it just seems like far too much admin. I just pay for my personal things out of my account, and generally pay for dc's costs as I'm the one who tends to deal with that side of things, but I also have access to DH's credit card as an additional cardholder, which he pays off every month, so I put most family costs on that. I like it this way as we don't have to check with each other before spending anything. It works pretty well for us and we never argue over money.