To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

^ This wasn't a brag, someone mentioned all married people have to have completely joint finances. Not all of us

We have separate finances. Always have done. We've been together for 25 years, married for 15, 2dc. It works for us.

Not unreasonable at all. The thought of joint finances makes me go cold.

Two salaries and I earn more so I pick up more of the children's extras (classes, music lessons etc.,). Split bills and groceries but that's it.
Whatever works for you is the best way.

Also, I know you can't live your life on whatifs but I've seen too many friends marriages break down and they're stuffed financially until the settlement is arranged.

Not going to happen to me or my children. If we split up, I could take care of them by myself if needs be.

We've always had separate finances but recently got an additional joint account, which is where all family/ house related spending comes from. I'm the higher earner in our relationship and I felt bad that dh never had anything to spend on himself. We pay proportionately for bills, give ourselves a personal allowance (for our respective hobbies or to buy presents for each other) and anything earned over and above all our outgoings goes into a joint account to spend on hols, days out etc, clothes for the kids etc. Seemed the most sensible thing for us to do and works well.

I have less hours because of the kids

Your shared children. Which he is equally responsible for. And does next to no childcare for because you do all of it. The problem is women have been convinced separately:

1. That they should be doing childcare/housework
2. That they should be financially independent
3. That people are 'worth' more if they are paid more

All adds up to women skivvying and earning less while men do nothing around the house and have more disposable income.

Crack on if it makes you happy but I think you're a mug.

Just got back from the school run and catching up on the posts I missed... DP looking over my shoulder says ‘ see even random strangers think you should let me pay for more’ had to laugh 😂
Taking everything in consideration. Maybe I’ll be a tad bit more lenient 😂

The situations of people who do what you do wrt finances but are married, or each work full time with neither having taken an income hit to look after children, or both, are not analagous to you OP. These people are in a more protected position than you are. Their finding it works for them doesn't mean you're being sensible. You're not.

I understand the desire to be an independent woman and contribute your half etc. Much less so your insistence on subbing your DP. Which is what you do when you provide half the money and more than half of the home and family stuff. He sounds bemused by this too.

@thebutterflyofthestorms
I’m not really the mug though if it’s my suggestion. He’d rather give me money but I don’t want to accept. I may be a bit more lenient though after hearing others perspective. But not too much I still have my morals to upkeep 😊
Just an after thought We are not married..... I don’t intend to get married either... it’s not for me.. I’m quite happy how our life is... it works for us and we pretty much have all the markings of a married couple apart from a shar3d surname and apparently a ‘ joint account’.

Me and my DP keep our money separate, we both earn around the same though. We just like it that way, whatever works for people I think. I do think though if your partner earns alot more maybe he should pay a bigger chunk of the bills

my DH that is, we are married but still have separate accounts

You don't have the markings of a married couple, because what those actually amount to are legal and financial implications. Nothing to do with either surnames or joint accounts, both of which can be acquired outside marriage and aren't compulsory in marriage either (married with neither of those here).

If you have children with someone, live with them but aren't going to get married, you need legal advice instead. It sounds from what you say about markings that you've not had any, but if you have then do ignore me. If not though, you both need to see solicitors about wills etc. Maybe let him pay for it...!

He sounds great. I still think it is mug-adjacent behaviour to swallow a bunch of beliefs that don't work together.

'Marriage isn't necessary' plus all your other beliefs adds up to a really risky situation legally. Plus, you're doing the wifework while not benefiting from the household income. If DH is an egalitarian, he can pay you for the childcare and housework he currently gets for free. I'm sure he'd be fine with that. We can act like a mug while no one is treating us like one. Martyr syndrome.

We share all our money, it's a pain cos it means I have to manage everything. DH Just refuses to do any money management at all. 😡

Op I need to disavow you of the statement we pretty much have all the markings of a married couple apart from a shared surname and apparently a ‘ joint account’
You do not have the same legal status as married couple please make sure you understand the difference between cohabitation and marriage
Financially and legally cohabitation is v different to marriage,doesn’t confer same automatic rights
Your home is it in joint names or a sole name?
Have you registered yourself with GP as his NOK for medical decisions (it’s easily done and requires a simple form)

Take advice make sure you understand the finances if he dies and inheritance tax. If your cohabitation partner dies then you could lose out on a lot of money via inheritance tax that you would not be eligible to pay if you had been married.

Make wills

I’m not saying get married. I’m disavowing you of erroneous beliefs only difference is different surname

Well he recently did pay for something, even though I was being a martyr I did apprechiate it no end. My dad is turning 50 in April and we have been invited to attend his party. Unfortunately my DP already had plans with my DS which he booked a while ago so it is just me and my DD going. He went and booked the hotel and train because he wanted to treat me. Even last year when I was very ill for 4 weeks he brought me a present because I’ve been ill. I think it was his way of trying to pay for something and just used it as an excuse. I really apprechiate that he wants to pay because I know many women don’t have that with thiers but it’s just I want to do stuff on my own and not be a trophy housewife that society seems to have stereotyped.

i have a friend who does this with her DP, they have a house, kids, etc.but no joint account. The machinations over who owes what and who's paying for what sounds absolutely tedious. They literally are -I pay for this round but you owe me a fiver from the bus so... YAWN. They're loaded too, maybe that's the problem.

I may be naive but I really don't understand people who have the commitment of a joint mortgage, children, etc deciding not to have the legal protection of being married. Surely ten minutes in a register office and s certificate are worthwhile for the increased security?

Please don't flame me. I genuinely don't understand.

The house,sole or joint names?
Have you made wills
You should register as each other NOK. There’s no automatic process for it to be you
Look up inheritance tax
See a lawyer for wills

Yes, listen to lipstick. There's a world of difference between her position as a separate financing, unmarried, full time high earner, and yours as a separate financing, unmarried, part time low earner.

You need to ensure you're protected in the event of your partners death and with no state bereavement support, for example. This becomes twice as important if your earnings wouldn't be enough to provide for the family.

I’m aware of the laws of cohabitation.

What don’t you understand blue?ive never wanted to get married.
Doesn’t invalidate the relationship or the kids,and I know it’s a quick jog to reg office
I simply have never wanted to be married,ever

Ok op,so you’ll understand it’s not about different surname or sole accounts

And we are both each other’s NOK. We live with my mum ina big house to no worries about names on deeds. I understand everyon3s point of view and thank you all for contributing. I just wanted to see I wasn’t the only one.

If you don’t mind me asking,whose name is on the deeds.its relevant

I know it doesn't validate a relationship. It just seems such a simple, easy way of protecting yourself. I honesty wasn't being provocative or goady. I genuinely don't understand.