To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

@lipstickhandbagcoffee
Yeah I understand..that was just a general consensus on marriage, I’m aware there is more to it than that. I just don’t think security justifies getting married either. I have no issue with others getting married it’s ju#t not for us.

"trophy housewife"?

Not for me either. And I don’t understand why long term cohabitation vexes people
Blue, I’m happy to elaborate ask away I don’t think you're goody just curious?

@lipstickhandbagcoffee
It’s my mums house, we have the biggest room which we’ve split with partitions. We all live together me,DP, kids my mum, my Nan and my brother and sister. It works well for us and everyone gets on. But it’s mostly me, Mum, n@n and kids that are usually at home most.

So you have less savings, a smaller pension pot, and have delayed your career in order to look after the children. That's not being an 'independent woman', that's being naive at best and a mug at worst. If you and your partner split up you will be significantly worse off financially than he will be.

You call it being a 'trophy housewife' (), I call it being appropriately recompensed for the sacrifices you have made to raise your (and his!) children.

That’s a nice set up, great for the kids to be close to granny

Doesn't vex me at all. Marriage carries so many benefits I just wonder why people who have made huge commitments to each other balk at a piece of paper to formalise it.

I wouldn’t ever have joint finances.
Works fine for us though!

Do you pay market rent for the space at mum's house?

I don’t baulk at marriage.im not avoiding it.ive never wanted to be married
And no it’s not just a bit of paper,marriage has financial/legal implications
It’s not just paper it’s a whole societal expectation(conscious & unconscious)
I have never wanted to be anyone wife

Thanks for explaining. I appreciate it.

We have separate finances BUT don't split any bills. We just pay for different things in our lives - he pays the mortgage and main bills, I pay food, holidays and a few other bills. And if he can't afford something we want but I can, I'll pay for it, and vice versa. May be weird but works for us with no difficulty at all.

Sorry, should have said, so I think your arrangement is fine EXCEPT at the point you don't allow him to pay for stuff you cannot afford.

You're welcome!it really is as simple as that.i never envisioned myself married
I’m a great wedding guest,I smile,don’t gripe about menu,mingle. Oh and cry too
Love a good wedding

I personally would find this kind of setup strange, but each to their own if it works for you. I am curious to know how this works with children, I mean how do you decide who pays for the ice creams or lunch out? What about paying the kids into the theme park?

For us everything is joint, there's no this is mine and that's yours, it's been like this since we bought our house 3 years ago. Even before then we were saving up together so thought of our money as shared.

I've had two lots of maternity leave in the last 2 years so I don't see how it would work? He isn't subbing me and equally when I go back to work I'm not subbing him (I earn more). Maybe I'd look at it differently if either of us had debts or spent lots, but we don't so there's no real reason to keep separate money. We are married though I don't know if that makes any difference?

DH and I have completely separate bank accounts and quite frankly I've read enough horror stories on MN that hsve persuaded me to never have joint accounts.

We split everything down the middle as we roughly earn the same but we did get married not because we obviously love each other but so we'd both be legally protected.

I enjoy been married to dh for 18 years and we got a joint account once we'd moved out of my flat and into our house. That was six months before we got engaged. I gave up work very early in my first pregnancy and I've stayed at home ever since. For nearly 18 years dh has paid for everything. I'm not dependent. I'm not a trophy wife. We are a team. It feels a bit too try hard reading your set up.

OP - Lots of couples have separate finances, but TBH just couldn’t be bothered with the issues you and your DP are facing, as you don’t seem to be on the same page (he wants to pay more and you won’t accept), and also keeping track of splitting everything in half. If he’s not always happy maybe you need to change something.

DH and I pool finances - we have separate accounts but it makes no difference at all who pays for what and we’ll move money across the two to balance cash flow but that’s all - both accounts are our money. I’m more of a shopper than DH so I do spend more, but it’s not an issue and we don’t argue about/discuss money, unless it’s if we can afford a bigger purchase. We did this for 5 years before we got married too.

*The problem is women have been convinced separately:

1. That they should be doing childcare/housework
2. That they should be financially independent*

This. If you're losing out on earning power because you're taking care of joint children then how is this fair? Either the earning and childcare are both shared equally, or the expenses are paid proportionally.

I'm always amazed at these threads because everything seems so complicated. You pay this % he pays that %, go halves on stuff, each have monthly spends...

I like my life simple. Our money goes into one account, all the bills go out on the 1st, what's left we spend.

And I’m amazed folk are so amazed.its not hard in The least
You each have own sole account, set up joint for shared thats it
Go out for meal,cinema split the cost. Bill arrives pay your share
Go grocery shopping get your food,pay your own
Do a shop for shared stuff,bills pay that from joint acc
As easy as that

Smug marrieds always bang on that it’s not a proper relationship if you don’t share finances

Really? I can't imagine a man ever saying anything like that. Women, in particular a lower earning partner, yes.

we pretty much have all the markings of a married couple apart from a shar3d surname

just wondering, whose surname did you give your DC?

Well it’s said plenty on mn. Seperate monies is equated to being flatmates or uncommitted

I'm always amazed at these threads because everything seems so complicated.

Its not really complicated at all, it's just a personal preference, we both like having our own accounts and managing our own money, not that we don't trust eachother, it's just what we like to do (it makes it easier though that we do earn around the same)