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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:57

Earn diff amounts,and to date it’s not been problematic
As with all couples negotiate holiday destinations etc

mywayalltheway · 23/02/2018 17:00

We have everything all joint and if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't do it again.

When we first met we had separate A/Cs and both put equal amount into a joint A/C for bills but because DH earned a lot more the me he quite often paid for things towards the end of a month so convinced me to put it all in the one pot to make it easier and whilst it isn't a bad situation I wish I'd stayed separate.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 17:00

@soapboxqueens
Lol no 😂 just crap at getting my point across in writing 🙈

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 23/02/2018 17:00

Me and DH have separate finances but we earn roughly the same. I think trying to split everything 50\50 when there is income disparity is unwise and foolhardy. Why leave yourself short or missing out on things just because you can't afford to pay your half seems like splitting hairs and serves no real purpose. Bills, utilities, food, mortgage or rent are divided up according to income so both parties have enough free spends at the end of the month

MaryShelley1818 · 23/02/2018 17:10

Me and DP have separate finances. We also have a 2mth old baby.

We have a joint account, a joint savings account, and individual accounts. As I’m currently on maternity, DP pays mortgage, all bills, food etc
I pay for a personal loan (from before we were together) my car, mobile phone, netflix and baby groups. When I’m back at work we’ll reevaluate. We both enjoy treating each other so it’s nice to have separate money too - he likes buying gadgets, I buy make up and eat cake with friends!
He earns more but would give me and our son his last penny, as would I to him. If baby needs anything we both just buy it depending on how much and who has money at the time.

Me and ex-husband had all money as joint and the only negative was you couldn’t surprise each other which me and DP do a lot.
Both ways worked totally fine. Never had an argument with either about money.

Beetlejizz · 23/02/2018 17:43

So you have less savings, a smaller pension pot, and have delayed your career in order to look after the children. That's not being an 'independent woman', that's being naive at best and a mug at worst. If you and your partner split up you will be significantly worse off financially than he will be.

You call it being a 'trophy housewife' (), I call it being appropriately recompensed for the sacrifices you have made to raise your (and his!) children.

Yeah, all of this.

I couldn't possibly be arsed with a setup like lipstick's, for example. Life is far too short. However, there is at least a logic to such an extremely separate approach when both partners are working full time and neither has compromised their income in order to care for the family. For me, life's far too short for that, but I get it. That logic completely evaporates when one of the parties is taking on more than an equal share of childcare and compromising their earnings to do it. That's not independence, it's stupidity.

Beetlejizz · 23/02/2018 17:45

So you have less savings, a smaller pension pot, and have delayed your career in order to look after the children. That's not being an 'independent woman', that's being naive at best and a mug at worst. If you and your partner split up you will be significantly worse off financially than he will be.

You call it being a 'trophy housewife' (), I call it being appropriately recompensed for the sacrifices you have made to raise your (and his!) children.

Yeah, all of this.

I couldn't possibly be arsed with a setup like lipstick's, for example. Life is far too short. However, there is at least a logic to such an extremely separate approach when both partners are working full time and neither has compromised their income in order to care for the family. For me, life's far too short for that, but I get it.

That logic completely evaporates when one of the parties is taking on more than an equal share of childcare and compromising their earnings to do it. That's not independence, it's enabling the other partner to take a less than equal share in childcare whilst fucking yourself over to do it- basically, stupidity. It's a good thing the DP here is a decent one. I quite understand why he's not happy about it.

G5000 · 23/02/2018 17:47

the tradition I’ve grown up with

You always wonder how in those types of threads some traditions are great and worth following, like giving babies their dad's name ( although in Switzerland traditionally children of unmarried mothers would get their mum's name). Some not, like marriage and joint finances. It's also quite fascinating that the ones worthy - more often than not - tend to benefit men..

mydogisthebest · 23/02/2018 17:53

Surely splitting a restaurant bill among friends is a lot different to splitting with your husband/wife? Even more so if it's not being split 50/50.

Greyponcho · 23/02/2018 17:57

My DBro and his wife had all their bank account/mortgage in the same bank. When defrauded, all access to all their money was stopped.
DH and I have seperate banks. If something happened to one of us, the other would be able to bail them out until it’s sorted.
I just don’t trust banks enough to put all of our eggs in one basket

Beetlejizz · 23/02/2018 17:58

Isn't it just G5000!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 23/02/2018 18:08

My husband and I have been together 13 yrs, married 6. We have a joint account that we put equal amts into each month and the rest is in our own account to do what we please with. It works and I couldn't ever think of a time where we pool all of our money. I like to have my own money so as not to have to account for anything

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:09

Given we have two sole accs of course we pay for items individually
The joint acc is bills,mortgage,nursery
Being partners doesn’t mean we are financially joined at the hips

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:12

The observation on surnames is spot on,it’s usually the fathers.not the mum
We chose double barrelled

YoloSwaggins · 23/02/2018 18:19

Me and my fiance have our own bank accounts, go 50/50 on rent and bills and I intend to keep it that way. Not weird at all!

I wouldn't want to pool our cash then get annoyed he spends £100 of "our money" buying rounds for his mates, or I spend £300 on a weekend abroad. This way we can buy/save what we want because it's our own money!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:26

My money is mine,not ours mine. I don’t want a joint account
I don’t need to discuss or justify expenditure as it’s my money
There’s no we in me when it comes to my money

pinkpeter · 23/02/2018 18:30

What laws of Co habitation? You know there is no such thing as common law anymore
Do you have wills? If not, if he dies, you will not be next of kin nor get his money. Who owns your house? Your mum or you all together?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:33

Oh do keep,up I know there’s no such thing as common law,to extent I asked op to check out cohabitation legalities
The law regard inheritance tax directly relates to cohabitation
Saw a solicitor years ago
Wills, joint tenants etc
As I said fully conversant with were I stand re cohabitation

mydogisthebest · 23/02/2018 18:36

All of you that have separate accounts what happens if one of you, for whatever reason, stops working?

As I said, I can't work because of ill health but am not entitled to any benefits. Even if we had had separate accounts that would not be possible now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:41

There’s water in the tap?fend for yourself?use own monies!
What you think would happen? We’d naturally support each other in hard times
That’s what you do when you love someone,you share a burden

Idontevencareanymore · 23/02/2018 18:41

I don't think your situation strange, your attitude on the other hand? Belittling and off.

You're not more of an independent woman because you "pay your way" and I'm not a scrounger because I earn less than my husband and he "keeps" me.
He doesn't. I keep the house, I keep the children and I work part time.
Fwiw we've always had a joint account, I've always earned less than him,and he's never once thrown it back at me as an insult. We've been together 17 years. Works for us.

I do keep child benefit separate from the joint account though, purely so it goes on the children/saved for summer holiday days out.

Just do whatever makes you happy and stop worrying about what peopl4 think.

DalekDalekDalek · 23/02/2018 18:48

I've always found couples with kids having separate finances very strange. Surely you're a family so everything should be together.
But a lot of people do do it like this now so I guess it must work for them.

My friend has recently got married and I think they do it quite nicely - they have a joint account which all their pay goes into and all house bills, mortgage, food shopping etc comes out off. They also have a separate account each which they put a fixed amount into each month - this is they're individual spending money which they use for hobbies that they do separately etc. This way everything is basically shared but they also have money that they can chose to "waste" on whatever they want. If they are given gifts of money individually (birthdays etc) then that goes into their own "separate" account.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 18:51

Why do you find individual monies strange,why does it not equal family to you?
Our kids are loved,the fridge is full,they’re held in regard.how their parents manage their own salaries doesn’t affect us as family
In what way is a family with wholly shared monies more family or better served?

Beetlejizz · 23/02/2018 18:54

Whatever else OPs situation is, it isn't strange. It's sadly common. There are many threads from women in this position, usually not married. Although the DP who thinks she's being ridiculous rather than wanting to have his 50/50 cake with finances and eat it when it comes to childcare is a nice change to the usual setup.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/02/2018 19:05

We used to have separate finances before we got married. Worked fine - i paid for some stuff, he paid for some. Earned about the same, no problems.
But after we got married, DH has been between jobs, self-employed with variable income and also a SAHD. I didn't feel comfortable giving him an allowance and housekeeping. Was way easier just to get joint accounts so everything necessary is paid no matter who exactly earns what.