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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 23/02/2018 16:26

Lipstick how does that work if one partner is a SAHP without income or works reduced hours because of childcare?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:28

We both work FT so not applicable in our situation, and split nursery costs

Bluelady · 23/02/2018 16:29

Horses for courses innit? I'd always be carping about what he spends on gadgets and he'd throw a fit about my clothes expenditure. With separate finances ignorance is bliss.

mydogisthebest · 23/02/2018 16:29

When we got married almost 40 years ago we both closed our single accounts and opened a joint one.

Over the years we have both earned quite differing amounts. I earned a lot more for quite a few years, then DH earned a lot more. I know can't work because of ill health so the only money coming in is what DH earns. It is though OUR money. All money coming into the house for all our married life has been OUR money.

Of course, couples have other ways of managing their money but we just could not be bothered with the working out of who pays what and when. We have friends with separate accounts and one will pay for something and then say to their partner "You owe me XX amount". Far too much hassle for us.

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 16:30

@LipstickHandbagCoffee i am amazed to be honest that a couple in a long term relationship or married would split the cost of cinema tickets or a meal 50/50 rather than one just paying for it. I don’t think I know any couples who would actually have separate finances that extreme in real life

Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 16:32

we have friends with separate accounts and one will pay for something and then say to their partner "You owe me XX amount". Far too much hassle for us.

Do they really say that? lol Me and my DH are always fighting to pay for stuff but generally if we go out for dinner and he pays, I'd just probably get the next one or whatever. It is still really "our" money, we just prefer to manage our own accounts and keep a joint for bills

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:32

It’s not extreme in least,if we go cinema we each pay can’t see the extremity in that
Bill arrives we divvy it up. He eats meat,I’m veggie so if he ordered a steak he pays his portion

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 16:34

Wow, interesting - so the bill isn’t even 50/50, you pay for exactly what you ate?

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 16:35

I suppose it’s just a completely different outlook, I just don’t know anyone in real life that does this.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:35

Yes,unless we ate exactly the same of course. I’m struggling to see how it’s notable

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:36

I go out with friends we all split bill according to individual cost
Unless a fixed price menu

danTDM · 23/02/2018 16:37

As you are not married and have DC's I really hope you have a living will. Whole ting seems ridiculous to me.

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 16:37

It obviously works for you as a couple then great. Out of interest, do you know lots of other couples that do this too?

Beetlejizz · 23/02/2018 16:39

Have you got wills OP?

Inertia · 23/02/2018 16:39

Your salary and pension are taking a hit because you have reduced your hours to provide childcare for the children. If we had separate finances I would expect to be recompensed for the childcare costs that the children's father did not have to pay to a professional.

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 16:39

I go out with friends we all split bill according to individual cost
Unless a fixed price menu

That’s another thing that gets debated regularly! I’m of the CBA/split equally regardless. Or one person just pays the lot on the loose understanding that sometime else will next time

Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 16:40

That’s another thing that gets debated regularly! I’m of the CBA/split equally regardless. Or one person just pays the lot on the loose understanding that sometime else will next time

Oh Yeah same here

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:41

Mixed some cohabitees have joint acc,no sole monies
Slme cohabitees have have joint acc,no sole monies
Some Marrieds have have joint acc,no sole monies
Some marrieds have no shared monies

I’m fully conversant with law of cohabitation, hence I queried ops just the same statement

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 16:43

I don’t drink really so no I shouldn’t have to contribute to a bill for multiple wines
And if I ordered an expensive item I’d not expect it cost to be shared in group

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 23/02/2018 16:43

It's a neat trick.

Convince women they need to be financially independent before you sort out the wage gap. And still expect women to do the majority of the childcare and housework. Genius really.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 16:44

@g5000
They have his surname, which is the tradition I’ve grown up with, I have my dads etc. Tbh I hate his surname as does he but he won’t change it. It’s hard to pronounce as it’s swiss.
Both DC are aware that I don’t have the same surname and never even questioned why, I’m still thier mummy whatever happens. tBH they ain’t really bothered, the same as my mum having a different surname to me and my brother. I know it’s harder to go on holiday with the kids as I need proof of identity however DP doesn’t fly so all our holidays are in the uk so no need for passports. When we do go to Paris it will be on train.

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 23/02/2018 16:45

You still need a passport to get to France on the train

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 16:49

@soapboxqueen
I know, but DP will be with us so it’s not gonna get questioned. I just mentioned it in adjacent to a previous post. My partner do3snt fly so we always have our holidays usually in uk. Just thought I’d make a statement about the different surnames and leaving the country before someone else brung it up

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 23/02/2018 16:52

OK sorry . Just the way you worded it sounded like you thought passports weren't needed on trains 😂

InDubiousBattle · 23/02/2018 16:53

Do you both earn around the same amount lipstick? I suppose the reason I find it odd is I can't imagine one partner being able to afford something extravagant whilst the other has to do without, so having one poor partner so to speak. A friend of mine has a similar set up and her partner could really benefit from some counselling but she says 'she just can't afford it', I find that inconceivable. How would you manage things if one of you became too ill to work? I always think it's a set up where both work ft, earn around the same and both earn quite a lot.

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