To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

My mum and dad do it another way again. His money pays for all the bills and food shopping. My mum's money pays for luxuries .

and he did actually express a thought on the subject - that sharing your worldly goods is part of the wedding vows anyway. Unless you write your own?

Not in a Scottish registery office. There are no mandatory vows for any Scottish marriage ceremony , civil or religious.

Seems strange that you seem proud to be financially disadvantaged due to working fewer hours because of childcare. I could understand your attitude if there were no children, but you do have children and do most of the childcare, thus resulting in fewer paid work hours . Surely as a family, all income becomes family income?

Bluelady - yes of course. The thread is a discussion of differences, perspectives that I don't come across every day, which is why I found it interesting.

Mn perspective is londoncentric, middle class,and can eke 47 dinners out one chicken

I think we live in a society now where we are exp3cted to be sheep and follow the majority otherwise of course you are weirdos for not conforming to the laws of the lastest trends.
I’ve always been a rebel....why stop now 😊

OP, you are entitled to have your finances any way you want but I'm amused at the idea of you being a rebel. You live with a man and work less hours than he does and take home less pay than he does so you can mind your children. I'd wait a while before signing up for #maverickyme.

@pallisers
I am referring to the fact that some posters have acted like I’m from a different universe for even thinking of having separate finances. I’ve never been one to follow the latest trends. I asked for opinions and I got them.... but some people just go over the top with thier judgements like we are suppose to conform to a certain standard to keep up with the ‘jones’ ☺️

OP, my mother was born in 1926 and she had separate accounts. Me too and I am probably older than your mother. It isn't a new thing. What you read on this thread is a slice of people's views. Lots of posters agreed with you and had similar set-ups. Lots don't. There is no one standard.

Not following "the laws of the latest trends" in OP's world is apparently equivalent to "allowing oneself to be financially subjugated and damaged long-term by a man". How radical.

What I find a tad strange is not the separate finances, but rather the "your money is your money, my money is mine" outlook. Why are you so adverse to your partner wanting to treat you occasionally, if he's willing and has the means to? Is it because you don't want to feel as if you owe him anything? Or that you're not equals?

Let's hope you never separate.

Quite impressed that somehow society (patriarchy?!) has got many women to subjugate their long term earning capacity and take more if not full responsibility for shared children emotionally and financially allowing the man to max out his earnings while they are little and hard work. Even better the man can walk away (no protection of marriage for that mother oh no! She is independent remember) on his whim with no responsibility to her notwithstanding the sacrifices she (not he) made to save them both childcare costs and give their children a present parent. And in this arrangement she feels all empowered and proud of herself

And no one cares or is particularly interested in other couples arrangements. It's the glaring inequality that stands out in your set up.

Excuse me, Indig0 is very interested, to the point of obsession.

I do think you make excellent points otherwise.

Exactly Kerala.

OP, I know you think you have your "morals to uphold," but imo they are seriously misguided and holding your children back. Sorry, but there it is.

What are you so scared of fgs?

Your "morals" are depriving your children of opportunities they could otherwise have if you would let their own father fund them.

Your "morals" are depriving your DP of the opportunity to provide for his children in the way he would like to. He must feel like a spare part frankly - living in his MILs house, his partner has a bee in her bonnet about accepting his money, even though she works less hours and earns a lot less. What a boring life for him! He must feel diminished as a father and partner and pushed out - superfluous to requirements because his DP has a chip on her shoulder.

I think you should relax and get over whatever mental block you have. They are his DC as well. Start acting like a team in the interests of your children.

What exactly does being 'financially independent' mean to you OP?

I consider I am an 'independent woman' yet DH and I have a shared bank account. All our money goes into one account.

Both of us have savings, investments and pensions plans in place. Our house is jointly owned.

Neither of us would dream of 'asking permission' to spend from the joint account, we are adults, we can work out how much is in the account before making a large purchase, just as you would if it you had your own personal account.

From what you describe i would consider I am a lot more financially independent than you are.

OP, if you ignore all the weirdos getting het up about bill splitting in restaurants, the responses to this thread have a very common theme.

You have put yourself at a considerable disadvantage and you are in a financially precarious position.

You are allowing your husband to benefit from the fact that he lives in your mum’s house, you do the childcare (at the expense of being able to earn more yourself) and you pay 50% of everything. If he dies or your relationship breaks down, you are going to be in a very difficult situation.

There’s nothing wrong with accepting some form of financial interdependence with your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to have a joint account.

But if the two of you had a mortgage or rent to pay, or if you decided to work full-time and had to pay for more childcare, your partner would have to pay for half your housing costs and half the childcare.

He doesn’t have to pay for those things because of the choices you have made as a family. He has more disposable income as a result. So why not let him pay a fairer share of your joint expenses? (Given your situation, a fairer share would clearly be more than 50%.)

Your kids are missing out so you can do some Beyoncé "independent woman" thing in your own head.

Your set up is frankly only fair if the kids aren't his which is not the case. What happens as they get older? Just shelled out £500 for an overseas school trip dd desperate to go on. Would you deny your child that opportunity if you couldn't self fund?

Personally advise a mind shift.

I am referring to the fact that some posters have acted like I’m from a different universe for even thinking of having separate finances. I’ve never been one to follow the latest trends. I asked for opinions and I got them.... but some people just go over the top with thier judgements like we are suppose to conform to a certain standard to keep up with the ‘jones’

They have OP, and the restaurant bill payment discussion quickly became ridiculous- credit to you for still reading after all that. But honestly, in your shoes I'd pay more attention to two things.

One, the fact that most people have pointed out that you're choosing to put yourself in a financially precarious position, which is especially important considering your health issues. And two, that the posters who successfully have separate finances and a 50/50 split that they're happy with all seem to have very different setups to you. They're high earners, not working less than their partners in order to look after children and in some cases they're married too. They're getting their security elsewhere, and security isn't a dirty word. You deserve it as much as anyone else does.

I understand what you guys are saying totally, and I’m re- evaluating my morals. Which I’ve already menTioned. But let’s get one thing perfectly clear. My kids are not missing out on anything. In fact they probably have more than most kids. If I don’t go somewhere with them they are perfectly able to go with thier father. There’s only been a few instances where I have not been able to afford to participate. We go on holiday for 2 weeks every year. Have 3 extra trips to the midlands to see family where we visit many different places. My kids are happy and that’s all that i wish for. Soo they are absolutley not missing out on anything.

You don't think they might like you to be there at these trips too?

I reckon your DP does. That's why he isn't taking no for an answer about paying for you all for Disney.

Yes he does, although it wouldn’t harm for him to spend some time on his own with them. Most of the time they are with me.

Great OP. So if your DH wants to take you all to Disney, the only words you need are, "Sure thanks." If your mentality blocks you from doing something like that as a family (and your kids will want YOU there), then really what is the point of anything? There will be thousands of families there and believe me, very few of them will have wrangled over who pays for what.

As for the "trophy wife" comment, maybe give that a little more thought. Where I grew up, we were mainly self-sufficient food-wise because that was how it was. So when my dad brought certain supplies home, did my mother say, "No DH, I'm not taking any of that meat / crop because I am an independent woman and don't need to be provided for. Ok, I can't be working outdoors as you do for 12 hours a day because of OUR children, but no matter! I can still get eggs my own eggs and make my own bread and I will survive by my own means. I am independent. Be off with you DH!"

Your working hours are also restricted by having had children, in a way that your DH's have not been. Ok, so he's bringing in money, not supplies, but it's the same thing really. You are in an unusual position in that you have your mum living with you to look after the DC while you work for your 20-odd hours. Most women don't have that option. What do they do?

I hate to see women put themselves down as "lesser" because of the reality of raising children and their earning potential taking a hit. Why would you think for one second, you are any less worthy in terms of family finances?

What matters is mutual respect. Co-dependency is a strength if there is mutual respect. My mother was one of the strongest women I have ever known. She knew who she was and what she was about and she had nothing to prove. She's my role model actually.

Your money does not define you -it's irrelevant. Let your DH support you if he wants to - you are the mother if his kids, first and foremost and above all else. What is more important than that?

I’ve already agreed to Disneyland. I just said I have my reservations, but I’ve bit the bullet and allowed him to pay.

Good for you. Relax and enjoy your family because these years will fly by. Respect each other's differing roles. It's ok to depend on each other in different ways. That's what binds families together and keeps them strong.