To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

I earn currently about 4 times as much as DH. He wouldn't even be able to afford going halves on everything and I would not consider it in any way fair to demand it.

Are you working part time because you can't be arsed to do more, or is the free time rather spent on childcare and home?

But Im an independent women, who believes I don’t need a man to pay for everything for me

I couldnt care less how other people work their finances. Im married, share all finances with DH (currently earn more, have earned less in the past) - it has never mattered who has earned what because we are a family with children. Doesnt make me not an "independant" woman.

@indubiousbattle Yeah I have less hours because of the kids. But I work mornings and my mum cares and cared for the kids till they go to school and I watched my lil sister in the afternoon when she worked so it worked out better so we don’t have to pay for childcare.
@parklives I have a pension scheme with my company and also I save so much per month for solely this.
We literally go half on everything. Except he has his car to pay for, as I don’t drive and barely go in it only on a Saturday if we go on up north... he pays solely for that.

No shared monies here. Salaries to individual acc. Joint acc for bills,mortgage,nursery
And that’s it.not shared. Pay individually for holidays,meals,gym
Split grocery bills but who bought what and halves on general stuff milk,soap powder
I’ll never share monies with a partner. It’s my money I earn it. Couldn’t stand to feel financially tied or beholden to a man

Joint finances work well if you both have a similar attitude towards spending. If one of you is more carefree about overdrafts and credit card debts whereas the other is cautious and hates owing anything then pooling all your money will lead to arguments and stress.

We never have arguments in terms of ‘you owe me this’ its More about who’s going to pay. My pay rate is way above minimum wage because I have been with my company for 9 years so I get a fair amount. I forgot to mention tWe get £170 per month from working families and also the standard £130 from child benefits. Which He won’t touch as he says I should have it. But I never use for myself. It’s mostly saved for kids birthdays and Christmas as well as money aside for uniforms etc.

Smug marrieds always bang on that it’s not a proper relationship if you don’t share finances
Like a sole joint acc is the zenith of happy relationship
Apparently seperate account/monies indicates a lack of commitment

It sounds like it works for you, but TBH it seems like a mutually unsatisfying arrangement.

You work part time and have sacrificed income to do childcare.

He works full time and earns well, but can't spend it on family holidays etc because either you 'can't afford' to go halves, or you have to be persuaded to let him pay for your share.

I'm all for retaining financial independence, but not for being a martyr and complicating family life for no tangible benefit. You're part of one household, one family, one long-term relationship. Being so stringent about dividing everything seems more like an arrangement you'd have with housemates.

I get been independent but you're coming across very blinkered about your whole set up.
You work less hours presumably to enhance family life leaving your dp to work full time and earn more money. You're taking a hit financially by doing this and you're not allowing your dp to compensate at all for this. He's earning big money again I'm presuming taking care of his family is a motivator in his working hard and for longer hours but your independence/pride stands in the way of him treating his family to experiences he could and is willing to provide. He also doesn't get the perks of having extra lovely gifts because your rules on money mean you can't treat him.
You're been as unfair to him as all the women you judge living off their partners
He's getting no say and isn't allowed give his family a better quality of life because of your standards.

You are actually undermining what sounds like a very loving generous partner and husband. Your work colleague probably puts himself in your partners shoes and sees how difficult it must be for him.

Most families compensate for each other because they're family and consider each other their nearest and dearest. You can have your independence and contribute both financially and other wise to the family and still accept your dp can fund stuff you can't. You need to learn to compromise on this and listen to your dp and learn to be less rigid in your views.

@havingahorridtime
Well as far as I know he doesn’t have any debts or overdraft. Neither of us have credit cards... except I have one for my mums account in my name for emergencies purely on the fact her credit card has a reward system so she gets vouchers to spend for the house etc (we all live together in a big house)

We’re 50/50 on everything, and I wish he would just once say “no, I’ve got this” 😔

I don't think joint finances are necessary. Whats more important is that you both are on the same page about finances, and you're both aware of the budget.

DP and I have separate finances, but we have an extensive budget in which ive budgeted for EVERYTHING. I've worked it out so that we both have the same amount to spend after all bills. I am the higher earner, so I usually transfer money to him at the beginning of the month. If there are any big purchases, we discuss them together and it goes on a credit card, which we the pay off over the next couple of months.

We do something in between - have a joint account for bills and kid stuff (a set each months and paid based on a % of our income, as DH earns massively more than me). We then keep the rest in separate accounts.

I don't really understand couples who get their wages paid in to a joint account, I think I'd get really pissed off by how much DH spends on electronics!

We have both joint and separate finances.

Smug marrieds always bang on that it’s not a proper relationship if you don’t share finances

Jealous much?

I agree with Lonesurvivor.

Always had separate finances. I had all the direct debits coming out of mine and we did shopping etc from his. Always worked ok for us. Of all the things we did argue about money was never one of them.

Wage 1 + wage 2. Take away joint bills. Leftovers split equally into separate accounts to spend on whatever.

Pooling disposable income into a joint account seems crazy to me.

It boggles my mind that couples who marry and have children together, keep money separate. We chuck it all in one pot, bills come out, then 'spending' money goes into another account to cover fuel, food, day to day expenses. If I want something, within reason I buy it and DH does the same.

You don't need to share finances, but as PP have said, you probably could do with dropping the attitude that he can't pay for things for 'you'. You work fewer hours to support your joint children. He wants things for you as a family, that you veto because you can't financially contribute half.

To me, you're taking the independent woman thing to impractical, inhuman levels (and I insisted I wanted to be independent aged three when I made someone read it out to me and explained what it meant).

Having a joint acc isn’t benchmark of happy relationship op,
I completely get that you value your money. Your independence
not the our money mantra oft touted as signifying committed couple as opposed to flatmate

That should say we have both joint and separate savings!

Well, if it works for you it works for you.

I don't think it's odd to have separate finances. I do think it is odd to split mutual expenses 50/50 if you aren't earning equally, especially if the reason you aren't earning equally is because one of you is contributing in a non-financial way (eg. providing childcare). Personally I think it would be more fair to split mutual expenses in proportion to your income (so if X earned twice what Y earns, X would pay 66.6% of bills, Y would pay 33.3% of bills)

From what you've said though it sounds as though your mum lives you as well? If so then how split finances "fairly" may be more complicated

DH and I have separate finances, we have a DD on the way and have no plans to do anything differently when she gets here. I dont think it's weird to be joint a separate what matters is that both parties are happy with the arrangement.

My issue with joint finances is watching my parents never spending anything on themselves when we were kids because they felt guilty and then it making them miserable.

DH and I pay into a hpusehold account to cover pur monthly bills then tend to spend about the same amount on ourselves each month (on whatever we want without feeling guilty or having to justify it to the other) then keep the remainder in our own savings account. when we want a bigger item like a holiday or doing up bits of the house we raid whoever has the most savings which is usually me as I earn twice as much as DH. I hate the idea of having to think about everything I buy and worrying if I can buy a new coat if DH might be at the other end of town buying an Xbox. I can however understand that our set up would seem unworkable for other people. The problem is if the set up causes misery and resentment like it did with my (now long since divorced) parents.

If it works for you then fine but it seems odd to me when you are happy to share a bed with a man but not finances ? And a bit ridiculous to limit family holidays etc to what you can afford. How would you feel if he took the children away to Disney Land without you as you couldn't 'pay your share' - would you prefer to sit alone at home in the interests of 'equality' or would you like to enjoy a family holiday together?

My DH earns far more than me but everything is shared, I don't feel 'beholden' to him, I don't 'ask' him if I need anything, I have access to the joint account; We both have savings, investments and pension but our money is 'joint money' for the benefit of our family life.

For the record we are married, have a child AND our own home.

We still do what the OP does as described in my above post