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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
Rewn7 · 20/02/2018 17:06

How old is your DD?

Perendinate · 20/02/2018 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 20/02/2018 17:06

Well the teacher was hardly going to say it doesn’t matter was she?

I would have thought taking her back would (if logistics allowed) be a good way of showing School and you working together

Daddystepdaddy · 20/02/2018 17:09

I'd be getting you DD to the detention and deciding on an appropriate additional punishment at home for missing it.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:10

She is 15.

There are a number of options that aren't "it doesn't matter" or "sorry isn't good enough."

OP posts:
ineedamoreadultieradult · 20/02/2018 17:10

I would request a meeting with the teachers to discuss effective strategies moving forwards. Detentions that she doesn't turn up to and you can't make her go to are not helping anyone. Always best to try to work together for a solution.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:11

How, Daddy? I can't really pick her up and carry her.

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 20/02/2018 17:11

Had your DD come home? Did you know she was supposed o be in detention?

TheFallenMadonna · 20/02/2018 17:11

A week of lunchtime detentions is quite a punishment for the teacher...

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:13

Yes, she knew, but she is just rude, I'm afraid, and won't go because she dislikes the teacher.

My AIBU is not about whether DD's behaviour is appropriate or not, it's not, I just feel that to be rude to me because of it isn't very professional.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 20/02/2018 17:14

At 15 you quite possibly can't physically make her return to school, and the school needs to work with you to ensure effective means of enforcing detentions in the future. Simply telling you "you'd better" is pretty poor. What does the teacher expect you to do? Wrestle a disgruntled teenager out of the door and into a car?

I would request a meeting with school and ask them for advice. And don't be fobbed off with "it's your problem/responsibility". Yes it is, but equally there isn't a lot you can do if your teenager refuses to listen or legs it out of the door.

MrsDustyBusty · 20/02/2018 17:15

It sounds like the teacher is nearing the end of her tether here. Is there any chance she's having problems with her management if students don't turn up?

RatherBeRiding · 20/02/2018 17:16

To answer you AIBU - the teacher's response was both unprofessional and unhelpful. Might be worth pointing that out when you contact the school.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:16

That's the issue, Riding - I am so sympathetic to the teachers, she is foul to me as well, but threatening me is not the way forwards!

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/02/2018 17:17

I imagine the teacher felt that your response - that you doubted you'd be able to get your DD to the detention - sounded perhaps as if you didn't support the teacher/school/punishment, or weren't really that fussed whether she went or not.

BarbarianMum · 20/02/2018 17:18

But your dd's behaviour is a big part of this. Teacher might not be being very polite about it but youre not exactly being "professional " about being a mum if you duck out of your responsibilities here. Why not meet with the school and agree a way forward - maybe an internal suspension?

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 17:18

Some teachers really do cross the line.

If that's the teachers attitude to you, then I'm not surprised your DD refused to go!

Get her side of the story

Daddystepdaddy · 20/02/2018 17:19

Make it more attractive than the alternative. You have more power here than think.

Cutting off access to the internet is always a good opening gambit to focus the mind of a 15 year old.

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 17:19

That's the thing, why is the teacher threatening a parent when the parent herself is struggling and isn't disagreeing with her? And what exactly can she do anyway?? It's a ridiculous threat and is creating an antagonism that it doesn't need to.

And no, at 15 you can hardly make her go back to school!

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 17:20

My her response to her 'you'd better' would be 'or else'?

What does she think she can do?

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:21

I was very clear that I supported the school but that there was no way I'd be able to get DD back.

Barbarian I have and they know I would support them to the hilt. It's not about ducking out of my responsibilities, just that recognising my own limitations in the matter.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 17:21

The OP has said she's willing to work with the school. It's just a bit late now, though there should be a penalty agreed between the school and the parents.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 20/02/2018 17:22

I think you need to arrange a meeting with the head and work out how your daughter's behaviour will be managed from both sides.

Will there be a more serious disciplinary procedure now she's not turned up?

Did you know she should have had detention? Did you know where she was when she wasn't at school? I guess the teacher is duty bound to inform the parents when the student has effectively gone awol.

Rewn7 · 20/02/2018 17:22

The teacher sounded pissed off so possibly not the height of politeness. But really is the teachers level of manners the important thing to focus on here?

You need to work with the school to do everything possible to support them in addressing the issues with your DD’s behaviour. By saying you doubted you could help you weren’t offering any ideas of a solution. I’m sure that’s why the teacher lost patience.

Esker · 20/02/2018 17:23

Not professional of the teacher. I teach Year 11s and never speak to parents like that, no matter how trying their child. Its counterproductive to have a bad relationship with the parent as well as the child! Teacher hasn't done themselves any favours here.