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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
worridmum · 20/02/2018 18:07

I am a parent of a teenager and my sanctions for molding behaviour are pretty strict phone is taken, replacement phone is taken all her access to money is taken AND i would be getting the rest of the family involved aka if grandma was giving her money i would tell her to stop.

You remove the things they like most for most teenagers its internet, phone , lifts etc you make it as bad as possible on a sliding scale until they get the message that their behaviour is not on and you are running out of time before her misbehavior can have truly long reaching effects on her life (if she tells police to go fuck themselves for example could = criminal record).

You are not her friend you cannot be one you need to parent and if that means you have to be near drill Sargent strictness so be it being a parent is hard.

Standardpubquizname · 20/02/2018 18:09

I'm not a parent of teenagers but this website does seem to have some useful advice, stories from those who have been there and access to counselors Relate

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 20/02/2018 18:10

I thoroughly sympathise with you having been there myself. The only thing I can add is that you might be able to improve your communication with her and get a bit more out of her. It's terrifying for you not to know what she's up to. I real How to Talk to Teenagers so they Listen and Listen so they Talk and it was a bit of a turning point for us. Conversations that usually ended in arguments and screeching suddenly yielded information and new options. It's a short skim read but I do recommend it.

Also, look after yourself. I used to inhabit the teenagers board here, not sure how busy it is these days.

Sirzy · 20/02/2018 18:11

I think it’s is pretty obvious from the updates that this goes beyond normal 15 year old behaviour

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/02/2018 18:12

So many posters missing the actual problem and going for the teacher.

kevstep · 20/02/2018 18:13

I wonder what the tone of voice sounded like to the teacher? Could possibly be that she got a message from it that you were indifferent and not bothered. Did the teacher know you were struggling with parenting your daughter? Had you informed the school of this? If the school knew then i am sure they would take note and even record that she is 'vulnerable' and in need of 'special' support in school. To be fair, teachers are human and are not, as some see them , absolute specialists in child psychology and behaviour! And as they are human they can and do get pissed off with the children they teach! Wish i had a quid for every time a kid says they don't like a teacher as an excuse to be beligerent and uncooperative in lessons. BTW if a teacher is regularly not receiving homework but does nowt about it then they may cop it in appraisal. It is not always a minor issue that you seem to imply.

lilcolibri · 20/02/2018 18:13

You can clearly tell who has absolutely zero experience of having a difficult teenager.

You'd put her "out on her arse with no phone"? Ahh yes, and what will you be doing when she's sleeping in a crack house and extremely vulnerable? When it's your own DC, it's not as easy as "put them out on their arse."

Pure ignorance, presumably from people who have naughty toddlers they can put on the naughty step and have done with it.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 18:15

@Fairenuff

All the usual

You sound so glib!

Do you think it sounds like the OP hasn't tried them? She has quite clearly stated that sh'es tried "all the usual" - grounding, phone, wifi etc etc

Once you get into this loop with a teenager they do not give a damn about any sanction you can think of, even if it's possible to enforce them eg grounding...they just don't come home. And even if they do give a damn, they will argue till they're blue in the face that they don't care.

It is a thankless task parenting a kid like this. It really is

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 18:15

what will you be doing when she's sleeping in a crack house and extremely vulnerable

OPs daughter may already be doing that, she has no idea where she goes or where she’s getting her money

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:15

forbidden

You speak sense!

I had some great advice from maryz on the teens board back in the day

Originalfoogirl · 20/02/2018 18:16

If I am confrontational and tell her off and discipline her, she storms off. If I keep things calm she stays.

So she manipulates you to get her own way? Fine if remaining calm was actually achieving something, but clearly it isn't. And when she tells you to go fuck yourself, what do you do?

You keep talking about limitations but they seem to end at being able to effectively parent your teenager.

Steeley113 · 20/02/2018 18:17

I have been that teenager, I could have easily ended up like that but my parents consistency stopped me pushing over the edge. This fear people have of their own teens is ridiculous and doing them no favours. You can’t just give in because you’re scared she’ll leave.

C0untDucku1a · 20/02/2018 18:18

Well, your daughter is completely put of control op and while you know she will explode if you tackle her, it needs to be done. Loads of solutions upthread but the phone would be gone first of all, wifi off, phone cut off too. People who said you need it to contact her if she is out, and by god should she be grounded, would she likely answer it anyway?

Only you know your dd and what hobbies / interests / events coming up she has.

Make-up etc? Gone to the loft until her attitude towards you improves.
And i assume the school’s behavioir polocy is pretty fucking poor too if a teacher knows they have to phone the parent to get the child to a detention because if the child doesnt show up theres no follow up by middle / senior management.

Qvar · 20/02/2018 18:18

You can clearly tell who has absolutely zero experience of having a difficult teenager.

I have a 15 year ald with ADHD and ASD. I say OP needs to be less wooly

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 18:18

Christ I know I sound like a broken record but the OP has taken phone, money, grounded, tried all the things. It's not worked.

OP I strongly suspect that the problem lies with the boyfriend. Do you know him? You must be at your wits' end

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:19

kev

I wonder what the tone of voice sounded like to the teacher?

It's not the teachers place to judge the parent. They are equal. Who the hell speaks to other adults that way and expects to get away with it

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 18:20

Bitoutofpractice

OP already said she doesn’t know is she has one or not. I asked.

C0untDucku1a · 20/02/2018 18:21

THE key thing here op is your daughter’s behaviour and dealing with it. Dont waste your time being mad at the teacher for being mad at your out of control daughter.

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 20/02/2018 18:21

LondonHereICome

Yes!! Maybe the thread should have a disclaimer telling non teenage owning posters to smug off to the far side of smug!

FitBitFanClub · 20/02/2018 18:23

So, you have a major, major problem with your daughter, and yet you're fixating on the teacher's turn of phrase to you?

Priorities!

Bekabeech · 20/02/2018 18:24

Process you have my sympathy. I would probably talk to the HOY or whoever you deal with pastorally and see if they can liaise with the teacher and sort something for your DD. Is your DD seeing CAMHS or SS?

And for all the experts here who do not have an out of control teenager : YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
Failing GCSEs is not the end of the world.
Take away a phone and not only is the DC uncontactable but if determined could be doing something risky/illegal to get a new one.
If they have a secret boyfriend - he could be any age, and trying to alientate a vulnerable girl from her family. Becoming heavy handed is the worst thing to do.

Often the very parent you criticise for being passive is doing the most to keep communication open in very difficult situations.

Standardpubquizname · 20/02/2018 18:24

To be fair even non-teenage owning posters were once teenagers themselves so may have something useful to say from that perspective

motherhen71 · 20/02/2018 18:24

Does the school have a policy of writing to parents about upcoming detentions? If so, that would give you the opportunity of having a sanction ready if your DD refused to go. I work in a school (not a teacher) and am a parent of a teen so I can see both sides but as a parent, I would be upset if a teacher was rude to me. We all know that teenagers are quite hard to control and even the most amazing parenting can't stop them being stubborn so firstly, don't beat yourself up about it. Secondly, I agree that you need to work with the school to sort it out - maybe a meeting with year head, house head, DD and yourself so they know you are supporting and can see that it's not always that easy to tell a teenager what to do and definitely you can't 'make' them physically. Really tough one - teachers don't hand out detentions for nothing but sometimes enforcing them, both by teachers and parents, is harder work than any other sanction. Good luck..

Blackteadrinker77 · 20/02/2018 18:25

OP I strongly suspect that the problem lies with the boyfriend

The OP said she doesn't even know if she has a boy friend.

I feel for you OP, we went through a terrible two years with our youngest daughter when she was 15-17.
She even kicked my husband when he tried to bring her back in one time.

If it makes you feel better she is now back to her lovely self, doing very well and in her 20s. I think she just couldn't cope with the teenage years and all that brings.

starbrightnight · 20/02/2018 18:26

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that with the best will in the world and a stable and supportive family with good parenting skills it is still sometimes impossible to discipline a determinedly rebellious 15 year old girl.

There were still dents (filled and decorated over but still visible in an unkind light) in the (brick and plaster) wall when we eventually moved from our family home.

Said impossible nightmare of a 15 year old daughter who refused to attend school at all and went entirely off the rails is now a delightful, well balanced, generous, kind, supportive, compassionate, loyal and all round lovely daughter with an excellent well paid job who is very sorry for her past behaviour and accepts all responsibility for it.

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