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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
ScipioAfricanus · 20/02/2018 17:38

Inappropriate wording of the teacher but I can see why she was so frustrated. Teachers have limited sanctions at their disposal - parents can take away money, phones, privileges. So it must have felt very frustrating to feel you weren’t prepared to actually issue one of the sanctions you have at your disposal.

Kids are all different and I appreciate different sanctions would have different effects, but I would imagine enraging someone by taking their phone sounds like it is at least a punishment that they take seriously. I was normally enraged by my punishments as a child/teen but my parents still punished me. However, easy for me to say I know as I haven’t got my own teenager yet.

Sirzy · 20/02/2018 17:38

It sounds like she may need more help and support? What’s the pastoral side like at her school? I would be seeing if they can help her

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:39

So she goes out and you don’t know where and with whom and has access to apparently largish amounts of money but you don’t know where from and she has some pretty bad behaviour problems - has it occurred to you that she may be being groomed or exploited in some way?

What are you doing to find out what is going on?

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:39

I'm not giving up on her at all. As if Confused I love her more than I could ever say, even though she's horrible at the moment.

But escalating a situation with "DD, give me your phone" doesn't work. She'd tell me to go and fuck myself Sad and walk off.

I can't just lock her in. She'd physically get out some way. It's best to keep things as calm as possible - not always easy.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 17:39

Oh process yous ound just ground down by it all

@ohreallyohreallyoh so what do you suggest OP does? In practical terms. Exactly what do you suggest. Not "strategies" but actual actions she can take. Please do tell because it sounds like the OP is doing her best and she is trying to give the school her support. But go on, tell us what she should do

Curtainshopping · 20/02/2018 17:40

The teacher was rude and unprofessional and it maybe goes some way to show why your DD doesn’t like her.

I can imagine that when dealing with a difficult teenager and feeling like you’re failing all the time, having a teacher speak to you like that is the last thing you need.

Keep plodding on OP, do your best and she will come out the other side of it eventually.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 17:40

It sounds like you've given up OP Sad

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:40

Rino yes it has.

I don't think she is, but I cannot say for sure.

It is a pretty difficult situation. If I am confrontational and tell her off and discipline her, she storms off. If I keep things calm she stays.

So obviously I go for the latter as then I know she is safe.

OP posts:
Twofishfingers · 20/02/2018 17:40

Your 15 year old has the better of you and instead of working with the school to try and manage her behaviour, you find ways to discredit the school and the teacher. I hope you daughter didn't hear you talking to them. If you as a parent can't work with the school and don't respect them, what do you expect your daughter to do?

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:41

I haven't given up at all. I am in a sense waiting for her to come back but it doesn't mean I've given up.

My priority is always her safety.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 17:41

So it must have felt very frustrating to feel you weren’t prepared to actually issue one of the sanctions you have at your disposal.

Where does the OP say she hasn't done all those things?

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:41

This hasn’t just got to this point overnight though

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:41

two if DD had heard me she would have heard me being very polite, apologising for her not turning up.

OP posts:
Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:42

No it hasn't Rino but it was very sudden. And I am working on all that and I love her more than I can tell you but I have to recognise my limitations too.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 17:42

Children own NOTHING that parents cannot take

Have you ever dealt with a teenager who literally does not give a single shit what you threaten to take or indeed take?

k2p2k2tog · 20/02/2018 17:43

Sounds like the teacher is sick to the back teeth of your DD's attitude and with good reason.

And when the teacher phones home, the message she gets (irrespective of whether that's what the OP was trying to convey) is "What do you expect me to do about it?"

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:43

Have you met her boyfriend/know who he is?

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 17:43

Taking phones away from teens is counter productive and won't work. It just alienates them further and means you have no form of contact when they inevitably storm out and go missing for hours

Pick your battles

Teen years are difficult enough

ScipioAfricanus · 20/02/2018 17:44

Bit when the OP told the teacher she didn't think she’d be able to get her daughter to go to the detention, I can see a teacher inferring that the OP was either unwilling or unable to persuade her daughter to go by means of those or any sanctions. And everything the OP has said since suggests that this is the case.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:44

I don't even know if she has one or not rino

OP posts:
LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 17:44

It does not not sound like she's 'given up' at all Hmm

KriticalSoul · 20/02/2018 17:44

Honestly, I appreciate your DD must be frustrating, but the teacher was out of line.

I'd be phoning the Head Teacher and complaining about how she spoke to you. Your DD not showing up doesn't give the teacher the right to be rude, or to threaten you.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/02/2018 17:45

My response wasn’t in response to anything the OP said but someone who suggested the answer was to put further on the teacher.

Eolian · 20/02/2018 17:45

The thing is, the teacher is probably at the end of her tether too, and she has a hell of a lot more teenagers to deal with than you do. Imagine a class where 10 or more of them are like your dd. It's all very well to say she should remain professional. Do you remain calm and polite at all times when dealing with your dd? Teachers are only human and doing a difficult and stressful job. She is being professional by doing her job and giving sanctions to improve students' work and behaviour. It's frustrating when parents will not or cannot back teachers up on this.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 17:46

She won't just 'come back' OP. If she's not doing homework, not following school rules and not having any rules at home it's more probable that she will fall behind with schoolwork and not bother to revise for exams. That will mean that she will fail her GCSEs and feel even worse about herself.

The message she is getting from you right now is that you don't care enough about her to parent her. That is not going to change unless you do something about it.

Which you have already said you won't so, yes, you have given up on her. And she knows it Sad