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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 21/02/2018 20:29

Parents always want to send their children to schools that insist on homework and uniform but in reality they want the rules to apply to other people‘s kids and not their own.

It does feel like this sometimes. But there are a lot of parents out there who are incredibly supportive too.

HeartCurrent · 21/02/2018 20:40

Yanbu. I mean it was a last resort but my mums friend took a week off work when her 15 year old son was skipping lessons and ignoring the schools rules, she used her week off work to come to school with him everyday sit next to him in class and do the work he had to do. I’m not joking. She really did that and I’ll tell you something else his classes picked up his teacher noticed an almost immediate improvement & he finished school with average grades, he was predicted below average.
Now obviously I’m not sayin you should do this I’m saying there are options. Try taking to her and see if something at school is bothering her.

Sostenueto · 21/02/2018 20:46

As i said upthread there is more to this than meets the eye. The relationship between the op and dd is breaking down by the sound of it. I think the op must make a concerted effort to find out what it is that us bothering her DC. You just cannot give up on DC just because there is difficulty in your relationship. You, as the parent will have to work really hard on getting to the bottom of what is really wrong with DC. First step take a long look in mirror to see if you are to blame. Are you showing affection, love and a caring attitude to dd?
Or are you withdrawing all of that because dd being difficult? You need to show more love, affection and s caring attitude the more difficult they become which is a really, really hard thing to do but if you truly love your child you will find the strength to do that.

HopeClearwater · 21/02/2018 21:03

Teachers have become power crazed, parent hating zealots

Who’s got the power in this situation? The daughter. Teacher can’t make her do the detention. Mother can’t make her do the detention. Daughter is doing what the hell she likes.

Anyway it’s back to my power-crazed essay marking in compulsory green (not red!) ink now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2018 22:08

Rabblemum

You are funny, you should take your comedy on the road

WilburIsSomePig · 21/02/2018 22:34

Teachers have become power crazed, parent hating zealots. Why not give your daughter a lunch time detention? If the teachers don’t have enough authority to keep you child behind after school they shouldn’t be putting that on you. Have a meeting and remind teachers of their job, be confident and strong. Good luck.

What a load of utter shite.

manicmij · 21/02/2018 22:47

Certainly seems the teacher is just as frustrated with your DD as you are. Need to have discussion with school about how to manage DD behaviour. Need to apply penalties/restrictions at home for the hassle DD is causing you by not turning up for detention.

hks · 21/02/2018 22:51

Has she missed detention before ? maybe the reason for teacher attitude towards you.

Why did her teacher not meet her before her last class to make sure she went to dentention.

At 15 there is not much you can do to force them to go back. without them kicking off , She will just have to face any consequences when she does go back

caringcarer · 21/02/2018 22:52

Confiscate your dd's phone for a few days and return it when she has completed her detention, and tell the teacher what you have done.

Thecrabbypatty · 21/02/2018 23:07

Why did her teacher not meet her before her last class to make sure she went to dentention

Oh I dunno. Teaching 30 other students / talking to a student after lesson / picking up other detention goers / meeting with parents / bus duty / playground duty / data entry deadline / setting work for absent or excluded student / medical emergency / behavioural emergency / needing a fucking piss after 5 hours teaching? Teachers do not sit around all day waiting to ensure one child attends one detention.

Pengggwn · 21/02/2018 23:24

hks

The teacher is responsible for setting the detention. The student is responsible for going. It's not that hard.

HopeClearwater · 21/02/2018 23:25

Teachers do not sit around all day waiting to ensure one child attends one detention

Too right. There are an awful lot of parents who seem to forget they’ve sent their child to a secondary with literally hundreds of other kids there...

clairedelalune · 21/02/2018 23:26

And whoever thinks we want to spend a single solitary second longer with the child who disrupted the lesson/called us a cow/couldn't be bothered to do the work in the first place is mistaken; detention is most definitely a punishment for the teacher..... Rearranging child care, not eating your lunch, not being able to go to the loo, not being able to get on with marking/prep because you are reteaching.

clairedelalune · 21/02/2018 23:27

Yes rabble, I am definitely on a power trip when I set detentions.

Kim1010 · 22/02/2018 01:40

Well if that's how this teacher speaks to you, a parent! I'm not surprised your daughter has no respect and dislikes her! That teachers attitude brings out the worst in others!!! ... teacher needs a lesson in social skills!!!

CosyLulu · 22/02/2018 06:13

Jesus, there are some horribly sanctimonius self-congratulatory people on this thread.

OP, I have a 15-year-old who is really struggling emotionally at the moment. It’s been very difficult to adjust to this ‘new dd’ as a parent because our relationship up to now was so strong - dd was thoughtful, loving and polite. Now she is closed off, self-harming, deeply depressed and angry at the world. I’m doing all I can to help - CAMHS involvement, school counsellor, you name it. But she’s locked in at the moment. I totally get why you are keeping things calm with dd, I do the same. I’ve been through all the punishments etc but all it does is alienate your kids when they are at this point.

So YANBU - teachers should know better than to speak to a struggling parent like this. It’s belittling and inconsiderate.

I hope things improvewith your dd and well done for surviving so far.

CosyLulu · 22/02/2018 06:15

Kim1010 totally agree.

Sostenueto · 22/02/2018 06:33

Those complaining about teachers should try being one for a day or two and see how you all cope..............

CosyLulu · 22/02/2018 07:15

I am a teacher.

CosyLulu · 22/02/2018 07:22

And likewise, those who have never had a teenager with problems should try having one for a day!

Sostenueto · 22/02/2018 08:15

Let me see....I bought up 2 teens a year apart on my own and now I practically bring up my dgd aged 16. Think you can say been there, bought the t- shirt..........

mumindoghouse · 22/02/2018 09:13

I agree with suggestions to email school tutor and HOY.
I too have a tricky teen and have received a snarky reply to an email in the past. I am quite sure this teacher dislikes DS although I think she tries to be professional.
However I don’t blame her as a chat with DS revealed that he talks too much in class and I expect he is very irritating. So I have pointed out the facts of life to him-actions (disruptive showing off) have consequences (detentions /lower grades/ disappointed parents). Of course I couldn’t have this conversation when detention given out. It needed to be later when there was a chance he’d be more receptive. So far there is a more mature response from him in that subject but am sure he’ll backslide. He’s a kid that’s his job. We have in the past elicited the support of his HOYr and Head of Key Stage who were very effective whilst leaving his self respect in tact.
Feel for you OP but please seek support from school. They can be very helpful.

kevstep · 22/02/2018 18:20

CosyLulu
"So YANBU - teachers should know better than to speak to a struggling parent like this. It’s belittling and inconsiderate."

As I suggested early on this discussion, did the parent actually have the sense to inform the school of her daughter's behaviour/attitude when at home? Why has she not alerted the school? Has she done so yet?

CosyLulu · 23/02/2018 10:16

kevstep - you'd have to ask the OP that but as she sounds like a caring mother who's doing her best in a difficult situation, I'm sure she probably has.

There are hardly any of the kids that I teach who have what I'd call 'bad' or 'ineffective' parenting. Mostly the parents care a lot and are at a loss to know what to do when things go wrong with their child. All kids are different, some may respond to the 'tough love' measures that some people are lauding on this thread. With others, it might tip them over the edge. Personally I think bagging somebody's possessions into a bin liner and threatening to chuck it away is awful and I would never want to celebrate having that kind of power position over my child. I'm waiting for someone to say 'bring back National Service!'

My own experience, with my dd, has been pretty devastating. As the teens hit, she changed from being an absolutely wonderful child - polite, funny, happy, to someone very troubled and hard to reach through kind or harsh measures. It's the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with, bar the death of my father when I was 17. So I have a lot of sympathy for parents struggling with kids who are not coping well, as well as for the kids. As a teacher, it's part of my job to deal with this but most schools do have a good counselling service if you feel as a teacher that you can't cope any more and have to resort to being rude to parents.

My brother's an A&E nurse and he has it way worse! He'd be in serious trouble if he spoke rudely to a patient, despite what they throw at him.

CosyLulu · 23/02/2018 10:36

Loobylu44
Anyway weak parents absolutely are spoiling schools up and down this country.

Do you have written evidence for this claim? It seems rather an oxymoron - how do the 'weak' manage to have so much power? Confused