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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
Rewn7 · 20/02/2018 17:46

I’m sorry but it sounds to me as if you’re that scared of her walking out that you won’t confront or tackle her.

I know it’s scary but your DD has you under her thumb here and she’s fully aware of the power she has over you.

You need to not be scared of tackling the issues. Even if she walks out she’ll realise that it’s scary out there and come back. But the alternative is that she has no boundaries, does what the hell she likes and rules the roost.

You’re doing her no favours.

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 17:46

I do wonder what the teacher meant by that threat. That was out of order.

We actually don't know that the OP did know about the detention beforehand, teenagers that age are very good at lying. I confess that I was back then.

steff13 · 20/02/2018 17:47

At what point did things start to go off the rails with her? Would it be helpful to think about what might have happened at that time? This sounds like it's beyond typical teenage angst. I have two teenagers myself, ages 19 and 16, and they can be moody and sassy at times, but they don't do any of the behaviors you describe.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 17:47

Well the teacher needs to stop "inferring" and start being listening to what the OP said. She said that she doubted she'd be able to get her DD there because short of bundling her physically into the car and man handling her into the school, it's not going to happen.

My DD is 14 and 6' tall. If she refused to go somewhere, how do you propose I get her there?

Mistressiggi · 20/02/2018 17:47

You sound quite scared of her OP.
I don't see how she can live under your roof if you have zero you can control her behaviour with. Go in to see the school and get a team approach going on before something worse happens.

BishBoshBashBop · 20/02/2018 17:48

But escalating a situation with "DD, give me your phone" doesn't work. She'd tell me to go and fuck myself sad and walk off.

You need to work with the school.

If she is saying that to you with no consequence it won't be long before she is saying the same to teachers too.

It isn't acceptable.

LearnFromThePast · 20/02/2018 17:51

If this was sudden then my biggest concern right now would be figuring out what had caused this. I am not saying this has happened here but a friend of mine was groomed and sexually assaulted by an older man and she went majorly off the rails. She was the absolute worst with her mother who she blamed for failing to protect her. She was just so angry all the time.

Can you think if there was a series of events that triggered this behaviour?

I think the teacher was probably frustrated but they were unprofessional. I think in their shoes I would be arranging a meeting with a parent to try and find a way forward together.

ScipioAfricanus · 20/02/2018 17:51

There’s no need to be snoopy about “inferring”. Teachers have to infer as we have many pupils and their needs and varying ability to communicate to juggle. I have not said I believe the teacher was justified in her response, but I do believe she was justified in her frustration.

Obviously physical coercion is not going to work with most sizes of children and unlikely to be what a teacher meant. I would hope a parent could persuade their child to respect school rules by any number of parenting strategies and skills, including taking privileges away. I have already said I do not believe all children could be coerced in this way. Many however can and are very day, luckily.

Mistressiggi · 20/02/2018 17:52

Who pays for her phone, and other things she wants? I still believe the teacher was rude but you're now describing an out of control teen who doesn't give a fuck about authority. If a parent can't get good behaviour how do you expect a teacher to? Hope you get the support you need Op but you have to do something or exclusion is the obvious next step.

Notevilstepmother · 20/02/2018 17:52

This is a real worry. I appreciate the teacher could have been more tactful, but really, you can’t control your 15 year old, how do you expect the teachers to?

It sounds to me like you are actually too scared to parent her. This is a serious concern.

You have a 15 year old girl with enough money for a new phone, a boyfriend you don’t know about, maybe, and she goes where she pleases and comes back when she wants.

I’d call the police and tell them you are worried about CSE. Where else is she getting money from?

Every time she storms off, report her missing. She is a child and you don’t know if she is safe.

Stop being offended by a teacher at the end of their tether with your little madam and get yourself on a parenting course.

ScipioAfricanus · 20/02/2018 17:53

I believe the teacher wouldn’t have expected that the mother was incapable of persuading her child by any other means. Most children could be.

WowOoo · 20/02/2018 17:53

Could you ask her what she thinks should be the outcome?

She's going to have to take a detention at some point. Keep telling her that sometimes life isn't fair, we don't get on with everyone and we have to suck it up.
Is her dad around or another trusted adult who can talk to her?

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:54

Oh ok, you said you thought she got money from boyfriend or grandma so I assumed she had one.

Can you not as the grandma if she gave her the money? Because if she didn’t, and you don’t know where this money is coming from, I’d be speaking with my local PCSO as she’s possibly involved in something she shouldn’t be or is being exploited and needs help.

Either way you NEED to deal with it, not just appease her in the hope that she’ll settle down. She won’t. She’ll just go further and further off the rails and potentially end up in some god awful situations.

You said her safety is your priority - so you need to take control and get advice from outside agencies where necessary and work with them. You can’t just leave her to get on with it. She’s 15.

usualGubbins · 20/02/2018 17:54

Ok OP, so you can't carry her back to school, and you can't take her phone off her, but what can you do? Yes, the teacher was rude, but she's probably at the end of her tether with your daughter too - and it's not her child.

You do need to work with the school and if you can't control her behaviour maybe with social services too. Where is her father in all this?

Notevilstepmother · 20/02/2018 17:55

Oh, and I’d not be worried about a teacher being rude if my DD thought it was fine to tell me to “go fuck yourself”. Seriously, you don’t think this is an issue?

worridmum · 20/02/2018 17:57

How would you deal with it if the school decides to exclude her as that is the next step in most discipline chains , first lunch time detention . then after school then tempery exclusion and at the end could permanent exclusion and if shes 15 its GCSE years and let me say moving schools during those 2 years does not equal the best results and remeber if your DD is disrupting the other people in her class they may well come down harder aka spend up the time scale as she will be effecting the rest of the class.

Standardpubquizname · 20/02/2018 18:00

The teacher was unnecessarily blunt and rude but as others have pointed out there are bigger issues here. You need to meet with the school, head of year/form tutor/pastoral care team, which ever is most appropriate for setting and try and work out the best way forward. You also need to work out where the money is coming from. You have my sympathy though it sounds like a very difficult situation but working with the school should make things better.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:01

Jeez you can tell there aren't many parents of teenagers on here!!!

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 18:02

I think that the teacher was expecting you to come up with a solution, you being her mother with more in your arsenal when it comes to sanctions. I agree she was probably at the end of her tether, and as someone else said has more than just your daughter to deal with. A phone and moan might make you feel better but it's not going to help your daughter or the teacher at the end of the day. It's boiling down to you. School is not police station or social services provider. Its expected that you enforce yours and the schools rules. I do sympathise though, I think you need to get creative with sanctions. Find out what IS important to her and exploit it.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:02

usualgubbins

Social services??! Are you having a laugh?

claraschu · 20/02/2018 18:03

Dear OP, There are a lot of people making unhelpful replies who don't have a clue what it is like to have a stubborn, obstreperous 15 year old.

Honestly, you people telling the OP she doesn't realise that her daughter isn't behaving well, or saying she should control her daughter, the OP is obviously trying to survive and keep some semblance of a decent relationship with her beloved daughter while she weathers these tempestuous few years.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 18:04

|I think you're right London

So those of you saying she needs "sanctions" - what should they be?

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 18:06

So those of you saying she needs "sanctions" - what should they be?

All the usual.

Or, we could just tell OP to do nothing and carry on as she is and her dd will become even more embedded in this behaviour.

Mishappening · 20/02/2018 18:06

One might think that she wAS TALKING TO YOU AS THOUGH YOU WERE A CHILD; BUT i DON'T THINK THAT CHILDREN SHOULD BE SPOKEN TO IN THAT WAY EITHER. Cheeky cow!

Oh dear - caps lock stuck!

Steeley113 · 20/02/2018 18:06

You pussy foot around a 15 year old so you know where she is? That’s ridiculous. TBH if I told my mum to go fuck herself I’d be out on my arse with no phone.