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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 20/02/2018 17:23

Did you not ask your DD why she was home then, when you both knew she should be at detention?

Sorry to keep asking but it sounds like your DD needs you both to be working together. If you are the weak link the school are limited in trying to give your DD an education.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:24

Well, what solutions are there? Because I can't pick up DD and carry her back into school. She isn't really all that bad at school: detentions tend to be for missing homework and the like rather than serious transgressions but with me she's beyond hideous Sad

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 20/02/2018 17:27

The teacher was inappropriate whether they are always
Iike that or at end of tether with the pupil I can't tell!
I think OP you need to have a clear sanction at home if your dd doesn't do the detention. She has a lot of time at school left and has to follow the basic rules.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:28

Well, we've gone a bit beyond clear sanctions, but thanks.

OP posts:
PerfumeIsAMessage · 20/02/2018 17:29

What sanctions do you usually put into place? Do you ground her? Check her homework is being done? Go and speak to teachers?

Mistressiggi · 20/02/2018 17:29

Solutions - "no I can't bring her back in but I have removed her phone until the detention is completed"

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2018 17:29

Yanbu. The teacher was rude and unprofessional. Even if she was pissed if she is paid to be there and that makes it her job to remain polite.
You presumably wouldn’t call the school and expect them to come pick up your daughter on a Saturday night and deal with her drama the , so why is it your responsibility for a misdemeanour at school?

I would just let it go this time and maybe ask your DD what she thinks the solution to all this trouble is. What does she want? As I doubt many children, teens or even adults actually want a life filled with arguing and aggro.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:31

Theoretically you can ground but she just goes out anyway. I've removed her phone but she got another one.

OP posts:
lilcolibri · 20/02/2018 17:31

Is she generally unhappy at school? I wouldn't be putting up with a teacher talking to me like that at all, I can't imagine how she talks to your DD...

I'd be looking to move schools if DD would like that. A better school environment, even if it is in the middle of her GCSE's.

AJPTaylor · 20/02/2018 17:31

I had a dd like that (she is 20 now and lovely, employed her own home)
I fully supported the school. But you cannot make some 15 year olds do anything. The magical switching off of the internet does not work if they are not there or dont care. Trust me, oldest one was easy. Second dd was impossible. Rude, angry, dismissive and bigger than me.
I would go to head of year and say you do not appreciate the way you were spoken to. Ask for solutions. Make it clear that if she leaves school you cannot make her return.
As an adult dd was diagnosed as having adhd.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 17:32

Oh OP it sounds like you're having a really tough time. What a nightmare Sad

I wonder what the teacher actually expected you to do? Drag her there? The PP's calling you the weak link need to have a think about what the hell they would do in your shoes

It seems like they expect you to work with them, but not for them to work with you.

I don't know what to suggest OP but I wanted you to know that I hear you when you say you're doing your best.

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:32

Where did she get the money for another phone?

HeartOfSass · 20/02/2018 17:33

OP - what punishments do you give her when she's hideous with you?

At 15 it's not about "picking her up and carrying her" is it. That's what you do with developing communication skills toddlers. At 15, it's way beyond physically moving her, it's about communicating along with threat of privileges removed as consequences to her negative behaviour, which usually develops along the way during childhood.

If you have not got any boundaries or punishments in place at 15 then it's unlikely to happen overnight, clearly your DD does not have boundaries and has respect issues.

If I were you, I would buy some books on dealing with this sort of thing, educate yourself as to the various meaningful consequences or punishments for a 15 year old (as well as rewards and positive reinforcement) and start afresh with some firm boundaries.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 17:33

Are you saying that you have no control over your 15 year old dd at all? That she can just come and go from your house as she pleases? Does this not worry you?

Pengggwn · 20/02/2018 17:33

I don't think the teacher was helpful, but it is odd that that is the focus of your concern, not your rude and un-cooperative child. She's your problem, not the teacher.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:33

Thank you! She was a lovely little girl but she's just turned hideous ... I'm trying to keep things calm as much as possible. Taking her phone off her enrages her and the worry then is she storms off and ends up who knows where!

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/02/2018 17:34

Maybe you could suggest a week's worth of lunchtime detentions if she doesnt attend an after school one?

Yeah, god forbid we should have 40 minutes in which to have a wee, drink a cup of coffee and eat a sandwich. Maybe even t mi ties with a colleague to discuss issues pertinent to your child’s education. We should just give up all our time to deal with badly behaved children. Is it too much to ask for parental support?

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:34

Of course it worries me, Fairenuff

Of course it worries me. She is out of control, she is a nightmare. I fully agree with that. But we're a bit past confiscating phones.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 17:35

How did she have the money for a new one???

Original poster
processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:36

I have no idea. Another worry. Boyfriend, probably Sad or possibly her grandmother.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 17:36

Why are you past confiscating phones? You are just giving up on her.

Pearlsaringer · 20/02/2018 17:37

Very very rude of the teacher, irrespective of the circumstances. You are not one of her students so she does not get to address you like one. It won’t be helpful to point this out to her, so you’ll just have to suck it up, I’m afraid!

SEsofty · 20/02/2018 17:37

Does sound rather like you are overwhelmed by the situation and that might be coming across to the school as not caring.

Eg if she is grounded, lock the door and stop her leaving the house. How did she get the money for a new phone etc

MrsDustyBusty · 20/02/2018 17:37

You haven't mentioned her Dad - is he supportive?

Qvar · 20/02/2018 17:37

Where did she get another phone from? Take that one too!

I’d be cracking a LOT harder. Take all her make up away. Lock it up and tell her she will get her privileges back when she has done her detention and when she is reasonable to you.

Children own NOTHING that parents cannot take.