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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 20/02/2018 18:26

Regardless of OP's tone of voice, the teacher was unprofessional.

You've got two different issues here, OP. One is the teacher's attitude to a parent which I think is worth raising. Presumably if it was easy to make teenagers do stuff then teenagers would never need detention in the first place Hmm

The other is your DD's behaviour. Are there any other close adults that she listens to eg dad, gran, aunt? It sounds as though she is well aware that your need to keep her safe can be exploited for her own ends. She needs perspective on how appalling her behaviour has become.

Okadas · 20/02/2018 18:27

Omg this thread.

I am not the mother of a teenager but even I can see the OP has no power over her daughter.

All the people saying take power back/be less wooly/punish her...HOW? I would like to know how you suggest she does this cos I'm obviously missing something.

Bekabeech · 20/02/2018 18:27

I have a 15 year ald with ADHD and ASD. I say OP needs to be less wooly

I have to say my DD with ASD is far easier to deal with then her elder sister who is supposedly NT but has mental health issues. And neither are really difficult - I know it could be far worse.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 18:27

Do you think it sounds like the OP hasn't tried them? She has quite clearly stated that sh'es tried "all the usual" - grounding, phone, wifi etc etc

No, OP has not clearly stated what she has tried.

In fact she has done the opposite and clearly stated that she does not try to discipline her dd because she is worried that her dd will just tell her to fuck off and walk away.

Honestly? No I don't think OP has tried hard enough. She took her phone off her dd and her dd just got another one. So OP just shrugs and says that didn't work. What OP should have done is take that one off her as well. And any more that she gets hold of.

There have been loads of suggestions on here. OP should work with the school because they can help her get a plan of action up and running. She should enrol in a parenting class and read other websites/forums.

OP has no idea where her child is when she takes it upon herself to go our, or who she is with or what she is doing. Saying that she has tried just isn't good enough.

starbrightnight · 20/02/2018 18:30

Enrol in parenting classes ... Biscuit

C0untDucku1a · 20/02/2018 18:34

winnie the dt was for not doing homework. At home. With the parent. Not for
Not doing classwork on school with the teacher!

Okadas · 20/02/2018 18:35

OP: "Where are you going?"
DD: "None of your business."
OP: "Who will you be with."
DD: "Fuck off."
OP: "Give me your phone."
DD: "No."
OP: "You're grounded."
DD: "Lol"

Rinoachicken · 20/02/2018 18:39

OP when did this behaviour start? Was it quite sudden or has it been gradually worsening?

Dermymc · 20/02/2018 18:39

The damage is done, your dd did not get to this point overnight. Yes it might have been fast but OP you haven't brought in necessary boundaries when you needed to and now you have a monster on your hands.

The teacher, like you, is at the end of her tether. It's so difficult to manage the behaviour of teenagers who have no consequences at home.

Ruffian · 20/02/2018 18:41

OP should work with the school because they can help her get a plan of action up and running

Posters keep saying work with the school - what do they expect the school to do given that the teacher was phoning the first place because the dd hadn't turned up for detention? The school doesn't have any secret formula for dealing with a teen who is determined to push the boundaries.

Married3Children · 20/02/2018 18:44

I’m a bit HmmConfused at posters who think the Op should just give more sanction/punishment to her dd when she has tried and it clearly doesn’t work.
Why on earth would you keep doing something that is not working?? Clearly THAT is madness??

motherhen71 · 20/02/2018 18:45

FYI - It's not a parent's job to do homework for their child. It's for the child to do at home, sure, but not for the parent to do it for them.

But seriously, was anyone on here a teenager?! I certainly was. Just because we didn't have phones when we were younger, the problems were just the same and we all (most of us) grew up into considerate, caring, thoughtful adults. Just saying.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 18:45

Some schools have counsellors or parent & family liaison officers. They need permission from the parent to work with the child. There are lots of things school staff and parents can do together to help the parent.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/02/2018 18:49

LondonHereICome

Who the hell speaks to other adults that way and expects to get away with it

A lot of parents.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:49

fairennuf

Cutbacks!! Heard of them?

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:50

Yeah boney and teachers so it seems! Hmm

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/02/2018 18:52

When people say the sanctions didn't work, I'm not sure what they're expecting? Taking her phone is not supposed to be a magic wand which turns her back into a compliant, polite girl.

You took her phone, she got a new one. The sanction worked because she got the message that she behaved in a way you don't like, with consequences. Now presumably you're not paying for her bill?

Yes, she will find ways to act like she doesn't care, but she will gradually get the message that life is harder when she trashes the boundaries you've put in place.

Don't expect change overnight. Sanctions can take months of consistency to have a noticeable effect.

But

Much more importantly, you need to find a way to start communicating with her again. The book suggested upthread sounds good.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 18:53

London what do you mean?

Butteredparsn1ps · 20/02/2018 18:54

Teacher's patience may have slipped for a moment. That however should not be the focus of your OP at all.

You could have posted asking for advice about how to handle DD. People here do get teenagers and can offer support.

Instead you are complaining about the Teacher. That's a very poor model for DD.

donquixotedelamancha · 20/02/2018 18:58

I don't agree that the teacher was unprofessional. Many parents could and would return their child to school for a detention (I've had parents do so). It's hardly the worst thing ever to ask a parent to do this.

I do think it's a silly and unrealistic thing for the teacher to assume, but I don't know the context- at some schools that level of parental support as the norm.

All the people saying take power back/be less wooly/punish her...HOW? I would like to know how you suggest she does this cos I'm obviously missing something.

My child would have no phone, no internet access, no money, no TV and would be eating bread and water if they refused to attend school sanctions. BUT my kids are not teens yet, I am very aware that teens can be incredibly challenging and (as PPs have said) sometimes nothing works. No one has enough information to pass judgement on the OP.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 19:01

Your kids aren't teens yet? Says it all Grin

Bread and water undeed

Eolian · 20/02/2018 19:05

I have every sympathy with the OP about her difficulties with imposing sanctions. I just think that taking out her frustration by getting cross about the teacher's tone is unfair and is deflecting from the real issue.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 19:06

I think you can be cross about both. It's possible to separate the 2 issues

Fairenuff · 20/02/2018 19:06

My dd once told me that all she needed was her bed and her clothes. I said that could be arranged. She didn't push it.

If they know you mean it, they are less likely to defy you but you do have to be prepared to go through with your sanctions.

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 19:19

The OP is clearly at her wits end at the moment. The teacher's apparent 'threat' was probably the last straw, it's her DD she's angry with more than the teacher, she's just lashing out, as we all do when stressed.

I don't know what the teacher hoped to gain by saying to the parent, ''You'd better.' It sounds like she forgot that she wasn't speaking to the DD.