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Original poster

Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

270 replies

Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:23

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:27

Posted too so:

I was invited down for Christmas dinner along with dp, but I said no let her have her first Christmas dinner with the family without me being there.

Anyway dm, exdp and dsis-inlaw all text to say, don't worry come down, we want you here. So we jusn in the afternoon to take gifts.

Gf was so pissed off. She hardly spoke to me. Any later ex sis-in-law told me she and exdp had a big argument over it. She was saying I would not have gone down out of respect for her, and he was saying I should have, because I'm family as far as his family is concerned.

OP posts:
BanjoStarz · 11/01/2018 13:32

It’s her problem not yours.

If it was a recent breakup between you and ex dp then this level of closeness would be strange to me and in the GF shoes I’d be worried about you getting back together.

But it’s been 17 years, your DP is friends with your ex as well, it must be lovely for your DS to have such a supportive family and to see his parents get on so well.

Your DP doesn’t have a problem (that you’ve said) so new GF needs to make a decision as to whether it’s something she can live with or something she can’t.

I’d stay out of it as much as possible.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 11/01/2018 13:33

Let her partner deal with her. You have a well established at least 19? Year relationship with these people. They are essentially your family. Don’t take on her insecurities. They are hers to deal with.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/01/2018 13:34

Oooh dear. I think all you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again.

DM, EXDP and DSIL were naughty to insist you went but I think you now need to re-draw the boundaries and stick to them, even if they don't want to.

Hopefully she can move on from this and peace can be restored as, ironically, you seem to be the only one who's got her back!

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:35

Sorry this phone is having a moment:

So I know they are arguing over me. The family are saying, you are family, you come to everything, and to stop 'missing' some events just because she doesn't like it.
But if I was in her position I think I would feel put out, always seeing an ex there. But at the same time, I have my dp with me, it's not as if I'm leeching after exdp!

But because of her antics and what she is dying about me, it's making the family a little pissed off, and they are now getting annoyed with her.

The breaking point is, I've been invited to his other sisiters birthday party. She has turned around and said, if I go, she won't.

Ex-sis in law has said, she wants me there and now doesn't want her because of what she's been like.

So if I don't go I upset ex sis in law (I've been around since she was about 7, so have a very close relationship with her and her sister), and if I do go i part gf and there will be a huge argument.

So people, what do I do? And sorry my phone keeps freezing, hence the multiple posts, that I didn't get the chance to check spelling or grammar on!!

OP posts:
FluffyWuffy100 · 11/01/2018 13:37

ironically, you seem to be the only one who's got her back!

yeah but in their eyes - they have been friends with the OP for over 18 years and they only know the new GF a year, so they don't want to push out the OP.

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 13:41

I think while overall you are in the right and I commend your relationship with the family of your DC, there was obviously an instinct to not go Christmas. Perhaps you should have listened to your gut, and built up slowly. Overall though, looking at the bigger picture, she needs to learn to pick her battles and accept the family situation she is getting involved in, as you can't pander to any insecurities at the expense of your family life.

lunar1 · 11/01/2018 13:42

Absolutely everyone is happy with things except her. Carry on as you are all happy with, she's not forced to be in her relationship.

Piffle11 · 11/01/2018 13:42

Have you sat down with her and exP to talk about it? I think his family are going to have to think about putting boundaries in place: I know you were 'there' first, and that they think of you as family, but I do think that it wasn't such a good idea to go on Christmas Day. I don't always see my family on Christmas Day, so we meet up on Boxing Day instead - maybe this might be a better idea for next year! Plus, I know his DSis is a good friend, but I don't think she should be telling you about their argument. It can be hard getting to know your DP's family, and if this girl is a bit insecure it may be getting to her that they all love you so much. And did she even know that you were going? You had originally said no, so she may have thought that was it. I had an experience about 25 years ago when I was young and insecure: big night at then DP's house ... his Dsis turns up with this girl who, it turns out, was an ex of DP ... they are all getting on like a house on fire, and I'm sitting there sulking and worrying like a spoiled brat. I'm quite ashamed of it now, as clearly DP was no longer interested; but I did feel massively uncomfortable at the time. I'm not saying how she reacted was fine, but I'm saying that if she's great with your DS then I think go and see her - with ex there - and talk to her. She may just need reassurance and you're the best person to do that.

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:43

And something she didn't like, I could tell by her face, was on Christmas afternoon, I walked over to grandad to say hi, and he said 'here's my pretty girl, your the prettiest girlfriend hes ever had' followed by a smaker of a kiss on my lips! (Hey I let him get away with it, he's 103, I figure at his age he's allowed too to do what he wants, sadly it's probably the last too, due to ill health!!!!)

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 13:46

Xpost with your update OP. The new GF is in danger of ruining her relationship with the family, as well as your Ex-. You're always going to be around, and she's grown, so there's not much you can do aside from make it clear that you respect her position but aren't going anywhere. As long as you are invited, you will be there. She'll have to get over it, or move on.

Idontdowindows · 11/01/2018 13:47

I walked over to grandad to say hi, and he said 'here's my pretty girl, your the prettiest girlfriend hes ever had'

Ohhhhh dear.

I'm not surprised your ex's partner is pissed off now.

Still, not your problem. Although it's all a bit strange how your ex's family has remained your family, basically barring the way for anyone new to be accepted as the partner (you're holding that position), if that's how you all want it, that's how it is.

Your ex is going to have to decide if he's happy having you around all the time making it hard for him to get into a new relationship, seeing as how his family reacts.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2018 13:47

So... she is jealous of a woman who her current bf left 17 years ago?

She really does have a problem, it is hers alone. She is newly welcomed into an extended family, she needs to find her space in it, not demand one! Just as your now DP did! Did your ex ever make a similar demand that your DP was left out of any family gatherings? Doesn't sound as though he did and it would have been far more reasonable for him to refuse your DP access to his family!

Don't lose your friends, strain your relationship with your son's family for her. She needs to work this one out for herself, if your ex will give her time and support to do it!

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 11/01/2018 13:48

Go to your SILa birthday. This new girlfriend may not be around forever and you could end up souring your relationship with SIL for good if you don’t. Alternatively, new GF may be around forever in which case she has just decided that you will never attend your friend’s birthday ever again. How is that right?

sinceyouask · 11/01/2018 13:48

This is definitely her problem, not yours.

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 13:48

Xpost again Hmm the update about the grandad does rather sound like you're enjoying her discomfort and aren't quite as welcoming as first made out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2018 13:51

No... Granddad is 103... as OP said, he is allowed to be a bit of an embarrassment.

bert3400 · 11/01/2018 13:52

She sounds like an insecure twat . I would go to everything the family invites you to. I give their relationship 6 months !! Btw I would of let grandad kiss me too 😁

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:56

Sorry I'm probably drip feeding now. But firstly they don't think of me as. Ex-dp's ex anymore, I'm just ds's mum. I met dp when me and exdp had only been 3 months from parting. Yet he was invited into the family straight away. The only thing exdp said to him was 'just look after my ds'. He would come to dp's parents and pick up ds after lunch etc, straight from the early days.
So I think because that happened so seamlessly, everyone has assumed that this would be the same. Obviously he's had other girlfriends and even a wife, but they just went with the flow.
So I think this is why, this has annoyed them. I understand what people are saying about boundaries, and taking a step back etc. But this family have been in my life for over half my life time. I've had a crap relationship with my own parents, and they to an extent stepped up to that, and provided me with love and support when I needed it.
I should say I was about 14 when I started going out with exdp, so in a way they've been there since I was a kid.
I just don't want to be the reason that exdp and her have issues, but I don't want to walk away, when I love them as my own. If that makes sense?

Also I don't know how receptive she would be to talking to me. A year ago I would have said yes (actually I didn't think there was an issue then) but now i don't know.

Ironically it was her that asked him out, he was undecided, and it was me that pushed him to go for it lol

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 11/01/2018 13:56

Go!!! She's not your Ex DP DS... (I'm so lose with the letters) she's your friend!!!!

sirlee66 · 11/01/2018 13:57

She is just jealous of you and your relationship with the family. No one wants to spend time with their other half's ex and it's would be odd to want too. She'll get over it eventually. Best of Luck

Littlechocola · 11/01/2018 13:58

Let her get on with it.
You are their family.
What does the xdp say?

DearShirt · 11/01/2018 13:58

If your Ex's GF can't cope with your relationship with his family then she's not the right partner for him.

IrkThePurist · 11/01/2018 14:00

After 17 years its entirely her problem.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 11/01/2018 14:00

I’m going against the grain here.

I know plenty of women who would feel massively uncomfortable trying to esbtalish themselves in their dp family when the ex is constantly around especially at Christmas and with the grandad comment, she must have felt like shit. Your ds is an adult now so I’m not sure why you need to always be there maybe see them a different time. The boundaries are blurred and I can’t imagine many women accepting the situation and maybe feeling they don’t quite measure up to the family. I’ve see ex inlaws seperately with ds when he was younger, I would never intrude if ex’s dp was there.

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