Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

MaggieS41 I think she turned, when I was invited for Xmas dinner.

Apparently (I wasn't there) exMIL set a place for the 4 of us for dinner. I wasn't doing dinner as I didn't feel great, having a relapse, (my health conditions read like a medical journal) so ds2 went with dp to his mums, and ds1 stayed with me.

Hence she wanted us to come down, and offered dp and ds2 and me because she didn't want us on our own.

Then there was the 'grandad' kiss and comment.
Then the fact I didn't buy her mum (whom I've never met!) a present when everyone else had one.

Please note I didn't get the presents out, someone else said 'its time to open the presents'

Maireadplastic

My ds and exdp's dc have got along with her really well- shes kind to them, doesn't shout, cooks for them, helps them with homework, have their friends over form tea. She is a really good step-mum. (And that's how I see her step-mum).

However, ds is starting to hear a lot of arguments between them. Exdp often sleeps in one of the children's rooms for example. I haven't asked what he's heard although he has offered to tell me. I really don't want to know.

• she'a good individually with everyone, it's just she gets worked up when we are in a group, and sees things that stents there

• I mean, my dp is there, I'm not leeching after her dp

• I was the one that finished with dp. He had one last attempt at getting back together, I had been with dp about 2 months. But I said no, and he later said it was the right call.
• this is drip feed and I don't know if it's relevant, but she's had 'strained relationships' with 2 family members, I won't say who, but that caused some resentment, but I don't think it had to do with this.

Sounds like she will pick fault with everything you do so for the time being step away from some of the more trivial occasions (lunch etc) BUT don't use the excuse that you are doing it so she can spend some time with them. That is really patronising and is basically pointing out that you would be there but you can't be, because she's being a bit of a dick.

You sound really annoying and smug OP. I'd not want you about either if I was new GF.

I don't read OP as smug at all she is trying to work out how to keep her very close ad highly valued relationships without pushing out the new GF - she doesn't have to bother!

The more you write the more it sounds like yourself and the people around you are logical thinkers and emotionally stable. For whatever reason this hasn't been her experience. She must have also had her daughter young if she is a similar age to you,or is she older? That doesn't mean she isn't a nice person and clearly you think she is But she probably can't understand the easy going and helpful nature of yourself and your Ex's family. Because that's not where she has come from. Her behaviour and feelings are without her possibly realising manipulative and that is learned.

I think she is bringing baggage with her. As post above says. This sort of family set up is not something she knows.
Perhaps she is the unfavoured DD in her own childhood and had to fight for attention.
I think I would take a step back and leave exDP to sort things. Stop discussing what he said she said she did etc etc etc
You are too embroiled . Family dynamics change over time and you can’t change other people. So I would step back.

You suggest that the commenters have divided into people who are with you or against you. I don’t think that’s quite so. Nobody has suggested that you leave the family altogether or that your motives aren’t good.

What you could do however is change some very small things as a welcoming and accommodating gesture towards the new partner and which would cost you very little to do. If she is ultimately more-or-less reasonable - and your kind comments about her suggest that she might be fundamentally all right - then she will settle down in time. If not you'll soon find out and can reassess.

This really doesn’t mean entirely ‘leaving the family’ or anything close to that.

To be honest, I would not be happy at you having a key - so you should explain that it’s just a spare kept at your house in case your son loses his (which makes a lot of sense) and of course never use it yourself. I think I’d be very surprised at an ex ever letting themselves into what I would perceive as our home. I wouldn’t have been thrilled at you staying over for lack of a taxi even though I would have no fear about who slept in which bed - I just wouldn’t see us as responsible for the problem. I would want a quieter and more private family space. I would be a little impatient at my partner volunteering to do DIY for the other ex when there were jobs outstanding at home where I was being left to do more (of course I would see it like that), perhaps left to my own devices a bit too much and struggling to put down roots in a new town, feeling a little taken-for-granted. I would be more than a little surprised if I turned up to Christmas lunch with in-laws and saw an ex and their family all there without being forewarned, and also stressed because you cannot make a fuss at Christmas, although that is of course when people tend to erupt.

None of the above is about your relationship with the extended family; it’s about communication between the family and the new partner, especially your son’s father and his new partner, and perhaps the need to renegotiate your relationship with your son’s father in the light of a new relationship.

If I were confiding in my partner’s sister fairly expecting it to be kept private, and then finding it were not, I would be very very hurt and it would make me feel much more anxious, and not because I were being paranoid.

What you have summarised about her conversation with your son’s father’s sister - much of it does look silly though it's hard at third hand to work out what she meant. You don’t necessarily need to react though by feeling ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ - none of the people you care about think you are doing anything wrong, and you shouldn’t care so much what she thinks, so damnation doesn’t come into it. There is a huge expanse of middle ground and small gestures in between. Some of what you perceive to be weird paranoias on her part could also be read as down to misunderstanding or miscommunication. Some of it is probably down to anxiety - and I do think the feeling of not really knowing whether you would rather the ex be there or not there is understandable, if you feel overwhelmed by her being there, and blamed for her not. This would be all the worse if the ex is a charismatic and extrovert individual who is much-loved and you feel you compare badly.

The new partner however will very likely not see you as essentially an extra adopted family member whose relationship with your son's father was so long ago it has evaporated. You are co-parents because you once had a romantic relationship. If you hadn’t had your son you probably wouldn’t be so involved with them. There are so many threads on this forum where people advise people with ex-in-laws that the children are part of the in-laws' family but they themslves are no longer their family, don’t need to worry about them and shouldn’t feel responsible for making them happy. Often this is for good reason - not because they are inadequate human beings who don't put their children at the centre, but because they find clearer boundaries work for them, which is perhaps what she has found has worked for her with her ex-in-laws.

At times there is a theme in what you write of whose needs in the extended family are greatest and hers (and the needs of the newish relationship) don't seem to rank very highly at all. This of course makes sense because you are an ex (why should you care about her and her relationship), less so if you were purely a very concerned very close family friend. Remember that she is also expecting to be your son’s father’s carer when he’s very elderly and when much of the extended family support won’t be there, so it’s not all holidays and having things easy while she skips the shared childcare.

But then you don’t need to aim at being completely disinterested and altruistic. Your son’s father is really the key here - this is not your problem to solve so much as his and hers.

Finally, something that comes across is your hurt that you do so much and give so much and it doesn’t seem to be appreciated by the new partner for being as selfless and well-meaning as it is. Maybe you need to just stop. You should prioritise your health and your young family - you don’t need to prove your value to someone who will never ultimately see you as just like a sister and part of her family.

You should go to the party. Don’t let her come between your dynamic. It works well for all. You are more the additional adopted child than the exp here. She is threatened by that because if some flaw in her relationship with exdp. That is no one’s issue but her own.

She seems very insecure and controlling and it suggests that she has had previous issues in her relationships. Check his phone and going mad because he is an hour late is uncalled for and does not paint her in a good light. The same goes for the issuing of ultimatums and throwing strips for no good reason. Ever one of the items on her list of ‘grievances’ was childish crap that a grown woman should have never entertained.

None of these are your issue. For the sake of all the children involved in this massive family set up, please don’t give in to her tantrums and sulking. People like this only get worse if you pander to them.

It also seems that Dexbigsis and you and the women seem to want to control everything, know best - not much mention of the men's views of things.

She isn’t doing herself any favours but going there at xmas in the circumstances wasn’t kind IMO. You and DP could easily have reduced the ex relatives’ scope for complaining about the new gf by making and clearly stating you had other plans.

If I was exdp's mother, and I'm probably a similar age, I would be angry and astonished if New gf was trying to re-arrange our family relationships to suit her own insecurities. I would also feel upset if OP did take a step back from the family because of this.

A bigger concern would be that my son was involved with a woman who checked his phone, had strops when he didn't do what she wanted and had a long list of trivial grudges against family members. It actually would be quite hard to welcome her into the family but I would give it a damn good try, hoping that would overcome her insecurities.

But I doubt it would because this is who she is, sadly and for whatever reason.

You e been adopted into this family and she can like it and learn to deal with her jealousy issue or leave.

I doubt she is going to be a problem going forward, tbh. She's causing so much bad feeling amongst her DP's family, he's likely to come to the conclusion she's more trouble than she's worth.

You have a good relationship with these people that has nothing to do with her. You can't control her emotions, and clearly she's still not happy even if you try to accommodate her. Just do what you want to do and stop worrying about her.

I think the real problem is your ex didn't put boundaries in 15 years ago. I think you're too intertwined with his life now for him to ever forge a healthy relationship with anyone else - as had been proved by the number of failed relationships.

There was no need for you to stay in touch with his family after you split - it's not even as if you were in a proper relationship. Yes friendships have developed over the years but you shouldn't really have ever been on the scene other than as your son's mother.

I think your ex is destined for a lonely life alone.

I think you're too intertwined with his life now for him to ever forge a healthy relationship with anyone else - as had been proved by the number of failed relationships

This is absurd. A twelve-year-old marriage would not have failed because of OP being friends with his family.

Sorry, got slightly lost in the various ages I guess!

This GF is a loser. She is childish, selfish and spiteful. The sooner he dumps her, the better. Everything OP has posted makes that very clear.

Now, if she was a reasonably OK person who just happened to have different expectations of a relationship, she could have either a) taken a look at her DP's set up and decided: that isn't going to work for me, that's not how I want my 'family' life to be and ended the relationship or b) worked on compromising. She hasn't done either of these things. She's whined, stamped her feet and tried to make her partner change who and what he is to accomodate her - and she's also tried to insist that her partner's family (a group of people who are, in many cases, not related by blood but are a family through decades of caring for one another) not only 'accept' her but take on board her view of relationships. They don't want to and why should they?

Posters going on about how the XP 'can't form a healthy relationship' are people who think (like this GF) that couple-relationships are the most important. They aren't. OP's family set up is happy and successful for all but this one person. So she can basically fuck off. And the sooner the better. She's not 'right' in wanting to prioritize couplehood. She's not 'wrong', either - but she's wrong for her current partner.

You have a child and even if he's an adult now, it's good for him to see his family united on some fronts. It's all her problem. It's good that his family are at him about it as to be honest your ex and her can't pretend you don't exist. I don't know if a talk with you would help, if she's as insecure and pissed off as she seems and I was her I'd be rolling my eyes on the inside and ignoring you (if I was her and in her shoes, if I was myself I wouldn't!!!)Se if it comes into conversation with you and your ex but to be honest it might always be an elephant in the room and she needs to get over it

Just out of curiosity were your current in laws upset you'd rather spend time with ex in laws than them? How long have you been with dp?