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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

270 replies

Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:23

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

OP posts:
Lovely333 · 12/01/2018 16:09

I actually dont understand why he is completely incapable of sorting it all out himself, he knows there are issues there clearly from the messages He knows shes insecure, Is he really that pathetic that his sister has to sort it out for him.Confused

RussellHobb · 12/01/2018 17:33

I think if she is as good to your Ss as you say, you could try to get her on side.
She obviously feels insecure about you being there so if you are all such good friends i would try to talk to them about being kinder to her and going out of their way to include her.
It does sound as though you are very involved with them and I wonder if she feels she can't get in with them.
The text Exdp sent is very hurtful to her and I can see her point.

Gardentour2016 · 12/01/2018 18:06

Your ex’s family may be motivated also to keep things normal for all the kids in the family. Why should family traditions and close relationships change because of the new GF? It would be unsettling, I think, to all the kids in the family if suddenly you were not included in big events like Christmas. Frankly, if the GF can’t see that and can’t put the interests of children (yes, teens/young adults but still vulnerable kids) before her own insecurities, you are all doing your ex a favor by bringing this to a head now. Good riddance to her.

Ellapaella · 12/01/2018 18:10

I am very close to my ex's family however my now current DH wouldn't be too impressed with having to spend Christmas Day with them and never in a million years would I want him to! Your DP sounds like an angel, the new GF's reaction sounds fairly normal. You can stay close to your ex's family for the sake of the kids but have the good Grace not to turn up to every family function and give your ex a big of space. It's highly likely he's not too fond of you always hanging around either - I would not be impressed if my family insisted on inviting my ex to all our family functions. There's a reason why an ex is an ex usually.

ToftyAC · 12/01/2018 18:24

The GF is being bloody stupid. I have a similar situation, although I don’t see the ex in laws, etc as often - but I do nip in for the odd brew and catch up now & then and it’s nice - plus my DS1 loves that we’re all friends. me and my ex DH both have new partners. He doesn’t want to meet mine, but I’ve met his and she couldn’t be more lovely. Think exDH finds it quite disturbing that we’d probably be best mates if we lived closer! Lol. Your ex’s GF needs to bloody grow up and stop acting like a spoiled child.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2018 18:29

She just can’t get her head round the whole ex-thing, can she? And that’s any of the exes, not just you, but you are the one most present in her Dp’s life.

It’s her problem, this jealousy. And it’s for her and DP to work out. Tbh, I think they won’t.

Don’t change what you do to suit her. If she copes with her jealousy by not hanging out when you are there then allow her her coping mechanism. Don’t pander to it either though by not being there. It’s for her and DP to deal with. You and your own DP are well established & you are no threat. Remember that. Not for you to feel guilty about or worry about.

Maireadplastic · 12/01/2018 18:34

How does it impact your child? Start from there.

ton181 · 12/01/2018 19:29

Its her insecurity not yours, they are part of your life and "family" they need to deal with her not you. Who does she think she is dictating what the whole family should do. How long have they been together, does she try and control him with other things, maybe the writings already on the wall.

Liara · 12/01/2018 20:15

I think one thing you have to think about is the message that you are giving to your ex's younger sister.

If I'm not getting my maths wrong, she was adopted when she was and older child? Many older adoptees need extra reassurance that the people they are attached to are truly unconditional and there to stay.

If you miss her birthday because your ex's new gf doesn't want you to go, you are transmitting to his sis that his gf's wants trump her need to have you at her party. So basically that your ex's relationship of one year with his gf is more important to you than your relationship of more than a decade with his sister.

Is that really a message that you are prepared to transmit?

Coyoacan · 12/01/2018 20:37

I just realised that, despite the GF, I find this thread beautiful and reassuring. That there are people out there finding good ways of doing things is uplifting.

Robin2323 · 12/01/2018 20:42

Yes - go for your little sister x

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 20:49

To clarify:

  • I already do not attend all gatherings, I stopped it allow gf time to spend with the family and they know this (they still 'ask is snowy coming down?' But I think that's habit)
  • my dp gets along brilliantly with ex's family. They've provide child care for us as an example, so dp would go to ex MIL/SIL/ExDP to pick up our son
  • dp and exdp have taken the kids out together for activities
  • gf had been invited to big sis for 'drinks with the girls' when I'm there but also when I'm not, she's trying
  • little sis a bit harder to crack, she sees me as big sis (I've been there since she was 7) she was hurt when gf gave the 'if she goes I wont' and to be honest I was hurt too (hence this thread)
  • exdp and ex wife and exdp and gf, have attended parties thrown by my dp's family
- big ex sis has spoken to exdp today, apparently he's been trying to addresss the issues behind the scene, I don't know what's been said, I haven't asked and she didn't offer that info (she is a loyal person- hence she told gf she would be telling me what was said before they began their conversation)
  • I'm not trying to be a martyr in this. I know how I would feel in her situation. But she can't just come in and change 17 years....
  • I think she may be intimidated with peoples careers, we have doctors, surgeon, accountant, head teacher, teachers, PhD students and so on
  • but I'm different. I came from the council estate, with a broken f**d up family, who's in nc with her mother. I'm currently on benfits. I'm not a catch as they say!
  • I'm also godmother to ex big sis one daughter and little sis is god mother to my ds

I didn't realise how 'unique' our situation is (I got told off by a PP for calling it weird) my dp and exdp's previous two girlfriends and wife, all slotted into the family, we guessed she would too.

I'm sorry my posts are so long- I talk this much in RL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 20:53

Liara they were all adopted at birth. The opportunity to trace their birth family is always there, but both ex sisters, brother and dp have no interest. Their view is their mum and dad, are their mum and dad. It may change when they are older, who knows, but no interest at the moment. (Thank you for picking up on that x)

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 20:55

Liara I also see what you are saying, about gf's needs beating little sis' needs.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2018 20:56

I think part of it is that you, like your XP's siblings, were sort of 'adopted' by XP's parents and your relationship now is very sibling-like - you are all close because you all had at least some issues of abandonment in your early childhood (you probably married XP because you grew up together in a childhood-sweetheart way but the romantic part of your relationship with each other was very much an adolescent thing that sort of got in the way of your 'real' relationship with each other which is, as I said, like siblings.)

This GF is simply not mature or generous-hearted enough to accept the way this family works, so the sooner she fucks off, the better. Let her go and find a partner who, like her, considers couple-relationships more important than any other kind.

Bitofeverything · 12/01/2018 20:58

It also slightly depends on whether you want your exDP’s new relationship to survive. I think if you cared about that at all, you would be behaving very differently. So might be worth asking yourself why you’re following a path of behaviour almost designed to break them up?

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 20:59

ToftyAC that's what we are like best friends lol a pp couldn't understand that I had given exdp a push into dating gf. He's my friend and we trust each other.

As I said, we and the whole family have said we should never have got together, we are better as friends. But it was that teen lust, and we ended up with our unexpected bundle (who i wouldn't change for the world!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:01

ReanimatedSGB we were 14 when we started seeing each other and 18 when we split- whilst I was pregnant. We never married, he has just one ex wife lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:02

Coyoacan thank you for your kind words they are really appreciated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:06

ReanimatedSGB I think you hit the nail on the head....

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:08

Bitofeverything could! you elaborate on that please?

Remember it is not just me. There is a whole family involved, some of it is their behaviour that she doesn't like, I have no control over that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:15

It's interesting that there's a clear split:-

Those saying to carry on as normal and basically she fits in or f**ks off

Or

Those saying to basically leave the family altogether. People that have been in my life almost 20 years. That have become as close to parents they can be. To have siblings (my two moved away as soon as possible, they are also 10+ years older than me)

The reality is, I will not be leaving the family, they are a huge part of mine/our lives.

But it's how we support gr in this. The examples she's given that have annoyed or upset her, have come with explanations if she had only asked.

OP posts:
MaggieS41 · 12/01/2018 21:18

I don’t think this new GF has the brains or maturity to understand that she’s creating a potentially very uncomfortable future for her and her DP! I can understand how she may be feeling but she has to learn to put her insecurities behind her and be respectful of the relationships that have been formed for many years. It doesn’t revolve around her! Your DP has the maturity to accept and appreciate it - maybe he can pull her aside and give her a good shake!

It’s very considerate of you to step back but occasions such as your ex-sil you should go to. If you don’t it will probably only build more resentment between her and your ex family.

Excuse me if I’ve missed something as I haven’t read all posts, but is there any other reason why she’s ‘turned’? Has the DP shed any light on this? Have things changed between the 2 of them?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/01/2018 21:19

Considering your relationship didnt barely even make it into adulthood, I dont see what the issue is. I doubt at that you even loved each other in a romantic sense. It's more like teen friends made a baby. Considering your home life, he was a safe haven, a friend and nothing more.

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 21:32

TaliZorahVasNormandy exactly.

Did we know what love was? Of course we did we were madly in love and no one would come between us.

Then we grew up!

And we realised that no it was not love, It was teen infatuation. Would we get together now? No way. We are too different lol

OP posts:
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