Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

I’m another person who would avoid that set up like the plague. I can do and say the right thing for DSD when required on occasion, but honestly to have all that ‘baggage’ in your face so frequently would be going above and beyond. Of course 4th serious relationship in 17 years isn’t excessive, but it is a bit of a pattern.

If be interested to see what the replies would be if this was posted as a reverse.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong OP but I can see why the new GF isn’t happy.

I think it’s up to your ex’s family to make the effort here and realise it’s not appropriate to have their sons ex for family occasions when he is coming round with his new partner.

In a minority here but my sympathies are with the current girlfriend Not sure anyone has said that they have more sympathy for OP... just that the new GF doesn't have the right to call the shots for the whole family!

The set up, however strange some posters seem to think it is, has worked for everyone for decades. Whatever the GF, or posters here, think of it, that is the day to day reality for OP, her son, and her extended family! Why should that change on the GFs say so?

If the ex said he wanted OP to take a step back, that would be entirely different. And would be between OP and her ex... not GF, OPs DP etc etc.

But, as yet, he has not! So OP doesn't have to change anything!

I don't think she is a good fit for your Exdp, but you should ask him how he plans to resolve this situation. It sounds like torture for a jealous person, but some ten odd people cannot all change their ways to please her.

I know the above because ds told me that's what exdp had told him. He asked ds if it was ok for them to both move in, and if so then she would be doing the same for him as her dd like his washing etc but he would also be doing things for her dd.

That's all nothing sinister in how I know. I haven't spoken to him about it (ex) because it's nothing to do with me.

the truth is the ex prefers her to you, as harsh as it sounds

Well I bloody well hope so, or we have bigger fish to fry!

Grandads comment sticks in my mind, because of the look she gave me, that's why I mentioned it. She went from smiling to death stare. Yet she was probably told the same or something like it earlier.

When he first met this lady, it was about 6 months after his marriage ended. He showed me her fb profile and said, she'd asked him to go out for a drink, but he didn't know what to do. So I said she is a really attractive women, go for it, have fun, see where it leads. He was unsure because he was still sorting things with his divorce and custody of the children etc. Again it was just at his mums, I went to pick up ds as he'd gone there after school, and he had popped in from work. He was telling me and his mum about it, and she went off to carry on with her gardening and we were left with ds talking about it.

Again nothing sinister. Just two friends talking, ds taking the p about his dad dating again (he was married 12 years) and me saying give it a go and see what happens.

I'd be taking a step back myself because I'd have a new family, wouldn't I? My new DP's? I'd also have other things to do that don't involve my ex's family.

It sounds like a 'comfortable old pair of slippers' situation and I wouldn't like it myself as the girlfriend - and I wouldn't do what the OP is doing because I'd naturally have phased myself out a bit, not attended everything going after seeing them every week as it is.

Why does son need handing over at 18? OP?

To write "I could tell she didn't like that by her face" is a bit disingenuous, who would like that?! Any person who had seen an "Oh Shit!" someones face, perhaps?

It happens. I have a soon to be ex SIL who has given me that look for decades. She, doubtless, has her reasons for it. But she made my life miserable only because I was too much of a people pleaser to ignore her, or laugh at her! Doesn't mean I was responsible for her feeling whatever it is she felt about me.

Some people are insecure... that is their issue. The world will not revolve t'other way to make them feel better!

She's a relative newcomer (and may/may not be around for long) You have a very longstanding relationship with the family. You ARE family to them.

She is over reacting. What does she want - for you to be dismissed from the family altogether? Because that's where this will end up going. I would carry on as before. Go to events or not as you choose, and don't let her push you out from a relationship with the FAMILY! She's the newcomer, she should be the one to adapt. Or to leave if she can't.

The whole he was unsure about her but you pushed him into it? Ok sure

Agree. It's very bizzare. Op are you still hung up on him? It sounds like you are. The way you've posted his text. Do you feel you're in competition with this woman for his affections? Is that why you kept hanging round his family when you split?

Somethings really off about the way you're writing, it comes across like you want to be seen as the best and the most important.

I can't understand why you'd want that other than you still want this man to like you best.

Normally when folks split you distance yourself from the family but ensure it's pleasant for the kids and amicable . You didn't. You were in there accepting invited like you were married to him. You ingratiated yourself further. Why? Why do you need him to think you're the best?

Agree with *Bluntness" and "VladimirsPoutine" who put it more articulately than I could

don't let her push you out from a relationship with the FAMILY! She's the newcomer, she should be the one to adapt.

FAMILY!

I love my families but they don't stay the same - they have to change as people die, people move a long way away, relationships end and so on. Sitting on a throne on the beach as the waves swirl up shouting 'nothing must ever change, this is how we've always been!' won't work either.

Maybe the new partner is a passive-aggressive face-puller. But most people wouldn't put up with this situation - which is why so many posters say 'she has to like it or lump it' meaning she should lump it; but where does that leave the ex-DP in this family set up? He has to find an absolute doormat or an absolute Amazon who is utterly ruthless and won't give a damn. Most people are neither.

Op are you still hung up on him? It sounds like you are Why? Because she has replied "No, I am not" to a few poster who made the same assumption?

Is that why you kept hanging round his family when you split? Nasty! From the OP I assumed that having a 1 year old child his GPs had wanted to make an effort.. you assumed she wanted to grab him back. Why?

Normally when folks split you distance yourself from the family but ensure it's pleasant for the kids and amicable Normally? Bizzare Ingratiated Why such perjoratives?

I think this is one of those times when MN is so far removed from real life that I just don't recognise the perspective of some posters.

She sounds very childish, OP. No need for you to lose cherished friendships with his family. If she doesn't like it she can leave. He told her up front how close you are were and if she doesn't like it, tough.

I doubt she'll last she sounds poisonous.

Oh for goodness sake - people complain about how divorce splits families and how children lose out on one or other side of the family depending on which parent they live with. Then people like the OP and her EX make it work admirably, and people complain about her motives. The poor woman can't win. Perhaps GF will settle down and perhaps not. That's for EX to deal with really.

Extended families can be wonderful and really supportive if you play along. If for whatever reason your face doesn't quite fit, or you're seen as the least important link in the foodchain (e.g. reference to the newcomer above) they can be complete hell.

I've been lucky with mine, but that doesn't mean I can't see why large families can be really challenging, and that members can always do a bit to make things a bit easier for the new members and outsiders - a bit of recognition and kindness goes an awfully long way.

I think this is one of those times when MN is so far removed from real life that I just don't recognise the perspective of some posters.

Agreed.

Agree with Curious - seems to me some posters are determined to read more into the OP's motivations than is warranted.

My PILs have a very good relationship with DH's Ex. She's the mother of their GC so why wouldn't they and she want to maintain that contact with regular visits/calls/celebrations?

I think it's nice tbh - the relationship between DH and her didn't work out but why should all the other family relationships around that become collateral damage?

I equally get on with PIL and I think it's nice to know that if anything happened re: me and DH that they would want to continue to be part of my life and vice versa.

OP if you care about your ex as a person you'll back off a bit to allow him to form a new relationship (not necessarily with the current GF) without you always being in the background. There are plenty of opportunities to see his relatives without it being at a family gathering. FFS give the poor woman some space and explain to his family that it would make you happy if they gave her a chance and welcomed her into the family properly - they're clearly either being selfish or emotionally unintelligent. You and his family are suffocating any chance your ex has of forming a functional relationship because let's face it, back in the real world no one would put up with this set-up long term (as evidenced by the fact he's still not settled).

This place is batshit sometimes.

Your exes family are treating the new girlfriend like crap. I feel really sorry for her.

@TempusEejit re: no one would put up with this set-up long term

As per my pp - I have and continue to do so.

I don't think of it as "putting up" either....

I'm part of a bigger extended family, where we all do our best to get along and create a positive environment for all the children and the adults

@HannaSolo the difference is you get on equally well with your PIL which would suggest they were equally welcoming to you but in OP's case the in laws are clearly pushing out the new GF in favour of the OP. So not the same situation. (Or if it is, you're batshit )

She sounds very immature and insecure. Go to the party, talk to everyone normally. She had to get over it as they are right and you are part of the extended family. Through your son they are all family so you can’t just shut them out and disrespect them because of a silly childish temper tantrum from her.

in OP's case the in laws are clearly pushing out the new GF in favour of the OP You read that into OPs posts?

OMG! Rabbit holes abound!

@curiousaboutsamphire yes, because they're not giving the new GF any space to just form her own relationship with them without OP being there as a direct comparison.

Just for the record I used to be invited to/attend my DSCs birthday parties hosted by the Ex. so not against cordial relations as such. I would be narked off though if I never got to see my PILs without the ex being there.

I actually think his message to you makes him sound like an arseshole really crawling to you and throwing shade at her no wonder she is insecure and no wonder he finds it hard to hold down a partner. Hopefully she will leave him soon for her own benefit.