Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

Is his most recent ex wife at family events?

Curious beat me too it...

@TempusEejit I don't know how you come to that conclusion.

The Ex's family are being very inclusionary it seems to me. The GF is being invited to all these events and there's nothing to suggest she isn't being welcomed whatsoever.

She's the one that's being exclusionary quite frankly by making ultimatums about attending only if the OP isn't there.

You're right though, my situation was different in that I took these relationships as a very healthy and positive thing and not some sort of competition....

Thing is, the OP is part of the family, and has been for nearly 20 years, so her relationship with her XP is going to be more like that of siblings (I have a similar relationship with my DS' dad - and his family).
The XP may be one of those people who values family connections more than romantic partnerships, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

The GF is clearly unhappy with the situation, but it's up to her to accept or get lost. She isn't going to make things any better - or make the rest of the family more enthusiastic about getting to know her - by throwing tantrums and making demands. People often welcome a new partner into a close family, but only if that partner's a 'good fit' or at least a well-mannered and pleasant person. A sulky drama llama is likely to be edged out, just because no one likes that person and/or they can spot a controlling troublemaker a mile off.

I don't know how anyone could say this was an unhealthy set-up, it sounds pretty much perfect to me. Especially for the kids.

These people are your family and friends. New GF needs to decide whether she can be a grown-up about it or not - and if not, she needs to do one.

@HannaSolo you can be invited somewhere and not made to feel welcome (see the countless MIL threads for examples)

Most people I know have different sets of friends who they see during different occasions. I assume OP already sees her "PIL" regularly by herself so why not show a little courtesy to the new GF by not insisting on the OP being there, at least until they have established their own strong bond? It's just being thoughtful.

I agree with @TempusEejit. The ex is never going to have a new, functional relationship with his ex hanging around.

Yes, it's great that everyone gets on but OP should back off a touch to allow this fairly new relationship to develop.

That doesn't mean never seeing her former in-laws but just dialling it down a little.

*I don't know how anyone could say this was an unhealthy set-up, it sounds pretty much perfect to me. Especially for the kids.

These people are your family and friends.*

But it's not perfect for the relationship between the ex-DP and his new DP; or indeed likely to be for his next DP. My hunch is that the people who think this is fine are either very, very strong women (which is wonderful), or have very high status in their blended family (great), and perhaps unconsciously think the last-in-first-out should be doormats because it keeps everything fine and dandy and nothing has to change. But they tend to change anyway with time.

The former DP's family is not, objectively, the OP's family, however much they love her and treat her as like one of the family. And there are no kids involved anymore - the youngest people mentioned are 18 and 20. The son will be away at university in a few months' time.

But nobody wants it to change apart from the new dp. Why should she get to dictate the relationships and dynamics of a whole bunch of close-knit people who have known each other for nearly 20 years? If the ex and his family don't want it to change, and she can't accept it, then she's the one who needs to move on. Not everybody else.

But nobody wants it to change apart from the new dp. Why should she get to dictate the relationships and dynamics of a whole bunch of close-knit people who have known each other for nearly 20 years?

Because she's one of the family - it doesn't just go on time served - and it would be a kind thing to accommodate some of her need to be welcomed and recognised as a full family member.

A lot can be achieved with a change in tone and a few tweaks (which by the way it does seem the OP has been doing - she's been very thoughtful).

You don't welcome somebody into a new group of people by excluding one of the preexisting members, though. It's just not reasonable.

I do understand her sensitivity, I would probably not be too thrilled myself at first. But I would accept that is was my problem, not everybody else's.

You don't welcome somebody into a new group of people by excluding one of the preexisting members, though. It's just not reasonable

Think you've nailed it there @Greensleeves

It never does any good to placate people who are insecure, jealous, whiny and demanding. These are faults which the person who has them needs to overcome, they should not be pandered to, because indulging the self-obsessed and inadequate never satisfies them: they just increase their demands.

There's no evidence here that she is insecure, jealous, whiny, demanding, self-obsessed or inadequate.

This is a lot of moralising language, often of the type used against women who make quite reasonable requests.

To settle some points (sorry been on school run):-

• gf regularly goes out to meals with his mum and/or dad, and sisters
• she goes for coffee with them
• she goes around for coffee and they to hers
• she is invited up his sisters when I'm there admittently not every time but 8/10 times
• his ex wife and new partner is invited to family events, only goes to major ones as she moved a fair distance away
• me and dp were friends from 11, started dating at 14, so I knew his parents from this age
• because of my background and the volitile home environment, I had spent numerous nights sleeping at his house, before we began dating. His parents would pick me up at 1am when my parents came in drunk and all hell would break lose
• his previous gf's- one moved away for work and they decided they didn't want a long distance relationship, one just ended on friendly terms and ex wife and him fell out of love
• his one ex we got along really well she even introduced her hobby to ds and would pick him up from mine to take him with her, the other I only met a few times before it ended (not long enough for there to be a family gathering), and ex wife who I got along with really well
• ex wife would arrange for us the kids to go out for meals together, if exdp is held up at work I've driven loads to hers to pick up their children for their weekend at dads (ex wife doesn't drive)
• I take ex in laws to hospital appointments because she does not drive and everyone is in work
• she's been asked if she could do babysitting for example and has said no- which has been no problem, no one has thought anything by it or anything less of her
• my dp (just now actually when I told him about this thread and I didn't know this happened) when he first met her, said something along the lines of 'I guess you are seeeing this as a weird relationship, I did when I first together with OP, but you'll see there's nothing in it except they are trying to be the best parents they can, considering they were still at school when they had ds' so he tried to ease any fears
• gf has been welcome with open arms to his family, they are that type of family
• for those saying ds should be doing his own washing meals etc are you telling me if you are putting a load of washing in you don't look to fill the load? If you cook a meal you would cook for two and leave one or two out? As for inroning ds does whatever needs to be done (his, hers , dad's, brother or sisters) on his day off at the weekend, then she also does it throughout the week. He unloads the dishwasher, he cooks one evening a week. So believe me he pulls his weight!
• and this is going to sound bitchy but it's not meant to (or maybe sub consciously it is) but he does those chores on top of full time school, working 16 hours a week, and doing all of his a- level work coursework/homework. She works 16 hours and they have a cleaner to do the rest. So lay off my son.
• basically she has landed on her feet. She's met him, moved into a huge 5/6 bed house (can't remember which), has a cleaner, works 16 hours a week (that was the only job she could find), exdp is hugely generous to both her and her daughter. There hasn't been a lot asked of her, except to be a nice person to his children and accept his family arrangements. Which she knew right at the beginning. It wasn't as if it was dumped on her out of the blue.

Two things.

1. I need to find a friend who will be as loyal as a bunch of women are to anyone but the new girlfriend.

1. It's really sad that there are so many women apparently in complete denial that if they attended a new partners family gathering and his ex was being welcomed like this whilst they were rejected that the first darn thing they would be doing wouldn't be posting it on here in an AIBU because the bitch ex dared show her face.

basically she has landed on her feet

really???????????

If he wants his relationship to last with this woman he is going to have to take her feelings into consideration too. I personally wouldn't want an ex hanging around all the time hence why I could never see myself getting into a relationship with someone whereby that would happen. Reading your posts I don't think you are still hung up on him but I think it sounds like he might be on you.

Snow I'd ask for all of that to be deleted if I were you! You have given far too much personal info for no reason whatsoever!

You really don't have to feed the fevered fantasies of MN posters.

You haven't done anything wrong. If your ex asks you to give her some more breathing space then maybe my response would be a bit different. But he hasn't and, even without that last post, your very long relationship with the individual members of the family was fairly clear.

Stop thinking about it. It really isn't your problem to fix!

The way you talk about her - "she has landed on her feet" - suggests to me that you are consciously or unconsciously enjoying being top dog in your in-laws eyes.

I was extremely close to my ex MIL, especially so as I'd gone no-contact with my own parents due to abusive dad. When I split from ex I stayed in contact with MIL - however I was unaware at first that my ex now had a baby with his new DP who was extremely uncomfortable with me still being in contact. As soon as I found this out I let my relationship with ex MIL fizzle out because I didn't think it was fair on MIL to have conflicted loyalties, and on ex's new DP who I knew had low self esteem and would have felt unfavourably compared to me as ex's family had liked me an awful lot. I could have thought sod her as she'd only been around for 3 years compared with my 20 by that point, but who exactly would have benefited from that apart from me?

I don't think for one second you should drop contact with your PILs. But I do think it would be kind to back off from at least some of the family occasions despite your PIL's insistence, at least until their relationship is more firmly established.

I don't know how anyone could say this was an unhealthy set-up, it sounds pretty much perfect to me

I think it sounds very unhealthy. I simply cannot imagine splitting up with a partner and continuing to accept invites to their family events and inveigling myself into their own going lives. I'd ensure good relations for the kids, but no way I'd be going to family bbqs and spending Xmas with them.

Whatever way you cut it, thr op is not their family. She has never been their family, I cannot imagine what her partner thinks having to go to these events. I do wonder if when they split they took pity on her being left with a one year old kid and were concerned they would lose contact with thr kid if she wasn't invited too.

It does seem instead of making a decision, I won't go, she seeks reassurance from everyone she's wanted, I imagine that's always been her thing, then she horses on in there.

Sorry op, not my bag at all. As much as I believe the new girlfriend on,y has herself to blame, I do think you come across of possessive of them all, that your place is important to you and you wish to be the best.

The way you talk about her - "she has landed on her feet" - suggests to me that you are consciously or unconsciously enjoying being top dog in your in-laws eyes Am I too nice... I thought that was more likely to have been a response to the GF supporting posts here. An exasperated attempt at explaining that the GF is quite unreasonable, given the circumstances. Living a nigh on cheers easy life is a circumstance...

Snowysky20009

I think you, DP, exDP and exDPDW (phew!) have got it right. ExDPGF has the problem and it's exDP's to sort out.
Carry on as you all were and let exDP deal with his GF.
Well done to all of you

Crikey Bluntness. I thought my ILs and own family had totally fucked up my family perspective but I am REALLY glad I don't live in yours. That is a really uncompromising, hard line!

basically she has landed on her feet

My sympathy was with you until that comment!

I also dont think she has landed on her feet, Sounds like a nightmare, and totally agree with bluntness especially about the op seeking reassurance from exs family I actually think by doing this you are adding to the problem.