Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

You should go to the party because you are good friends with your ex-sis-in-law. The girlfriend is being very immature and if you don't go it will create the impression her demand that you should stay away is reasonable, so she will expect you to do the same again on another occasion in the future. So it is important not to create that precedent.

I’m so glad others can see what I see and that this isn’t a normal set up. You seem to gloat about the situation especially the landing on her feet comment.

So you haven't been with DP for 17 years? I wouldn't be worried if i was her. If it was a couple of years I would be concerned but she's actually being childish. Say to your ex's sister that you don't want to be the reason he splits with his girlfriend so you won't go and you can take her out another time. If she still insists you go then go. If the girlfriend really wants to try to be petty and control the family etc and throw her toys out of the pram then that just makes her look like a brat anyway. Maybe message her and say theres nothing between you and Exdp? Say that she has nothing to worry about and you consider them all family and you can't just cut contact with people who you are so close with? She's essentially saying to them it's you or her. In my opinion she's testing the boundaries x

The way you talk about her - "she has landed on her feet" - suggests to me that you are consciously or unconsciously enjoying being top dog in your in-laws eyes

Well, who declared war first?

Obviously this is an unusual situation, but I personally think it's daft to be jealous of an ex from 17 years ago.

16 years after we split up my ex got together with a woman who was also jealous of me. I couldn't get my head around it, frankly. Ex and I aren't even friends, although I am friends with his family because of dd. His family did pander to her though.

Idontdowindows the 'what you are prepared to do for your daughter you do for my son' is a summerise of what his dad said, but told to me from an 18 year olds perspective. I don't know what his dad's exact words were. I wasn't there.

This is her problem not yours, you have been separated for 17yrs and still have a good relationship with your xdp. Surely that should be seen as a positive thing?

CuriousaboutSamphire don't worry I've changed all identifiable features, but the overall picture is the same.

For those of you saying this isn't a normal set up - I'd agree.

What I'd also say is that's actually quite a sad thing that it's accepted practice to cut contact with people you've had very long term, mutually supportive and loving relationships with because it's just seen as the collateral damage that's normalised when a relationship fails.

Equally odd imho is the concept that those relationships are expected to be put on hold or muted in favour of someone who knew the set up but has decided they don't like it.

As for being unhealthy....really???? 😲

It's unhealthy for children to have separated parents who co-parent effectively? Who see the adults in their family show loyalty and friendship to each other over many years? To spend time at key events with all their family members and not just a sub set? To see parents and step parents being civil (dare I even say friendly) to each other, helping with childcare and spending time with both "sets" of half Siblings, all of whom get along and know each other because they've spent loads of time together?

To then say this set up should be compromised because one person finds it uncomfortable?

Might the OP's DS be uncomfortable about going to a family party knowing his mum isn't there because the GF has demanded she isn't? Perhaps the Ex's Sis might be uncomfortable because a friend of over 17 years has felt pressured into not coming in favour of someone she's known for just over a year?

I'm genuinely baffled by some of the comments on this thread.

shes landed on her feet

yes she has!

She got a great man (he's my ex but he isn't an arse hole, he's a decent, intelligent, good looking bloke), she's got a stunning house, she's got a man that is generous to her and her daughter, a man who treats her daughter the same as his own children with regards to money and gifts, she's traveling the world to places she's never been before, shes got a bloody good cleaner (I tried pinching her- it didn't work), she's got 3 step children who like and respect her (although if she carries on ds will slowly be losing that), and they are all well behaved and polite, and she's come into a family who has welcomed her with open arms.

So yes she has landed on her feet! (I don't know if this means something different to you, but we use it as in a 'shes lucky' way) She's got things some people only ever dream of.

For people telling me to back off I'm always there, I said in my first post I've stopped going to certain events so she doesn't think I'm always there.

They are already doing things individually without me around. The family has welcomed her and her daughter, the only time she is 'left out' is the rare occasions she isn't invited to sis's house (but sometimes she wants to talk to me and tell me stuff that she feels like she can't talk to her about yet, like I said she's like my best friend), when I pop in once a week to see MIL and FIL, and when I do hospital trips. There will occasionally be a lunch meal but that's it. She spends more time with them.

But back to the point of the thread. The party.

So she's given the ultimatum- if I go then she doesn't. But little ex sis wants me to go and now has the well f**k her attitude.

But I know if I didn't she will be upset as it's her birthday and she will hold it against gf. If I don't go, I'm going to be questioned about why. if I tell them it's because of her, is it the risk that they will then be p**d off with her? both sis's know I know the ultimatum but in-laws don't, the family as a whole don't believe in this type of behaviour, they are a very inclusive family and MIL in particular will be really annoyed if she found out.
Also if I don't go, will I end up with the same ultimatum for the next occasion I'm invited too?

Everytime we are at a family gathering my dp and ds2 are there anyway. She's also been to two parties at my dp's parents home. So she's met that side too! (And she was a good laugh that night!)

OP, my relationship with my ex and his family is very similar to what you describe you have with yours. I have found over the years that the majority of people just don't get it. Usually they mind their own business so it doesn't matter anyway!

With new partners, in my experience, it's only the women that have a problem with it. I have been in two long term relationships since I split with my kids Dad, the men have been fine. But all three of the women ex has been in a relationship with have hated the fact that ex and I get on well, despite my happy marriage. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, it's their problem.

You can't stop this woman feeling jealousy towards you, and it would be very sad if you didn't go to family events when you are part of that family, even disloyal and unkind to the people that matter most when it comes to things like your exSILs birthday party. If the new partner wants to create a problem where there isn't one, let her keep it to herself and her relationship, it shouldn't affect you or people you consider to be family.

HannaSolo thank you!

OP, if it's all so perfect and you're so happy with it all... why have you posted about it? I'm genuinely confused.

I also still really want to know why your son needs a 'hand-over' at 18 years old.

No problem.

Go to the party OP.

It's up to your Ex's Sis (your best friend) who she invites.

If the GF doesn't want to go then that's her decision, but it's very poor behaviour to dictate by ultimatums someone else's guests list to their own party.

This is her problem. You're a close family and she'll need to accept that.

So you think that text to you showed he was a good partner? A house and holidays may be important to you but actually I dont think that makes her lucky, Having a partner who talks about her negatively to an ex is really disloyal, Also doesnt consider her feelings at all, The family also dont have any regard for her feelings talking about her arguments with your ex, it comes across as a really bitchy family dynamic. I would choose loyalty and caring and kind people over a house and holidays.

zoenichole158 I'm afraid if I message her, it will be seen as a 'you've all been talking about me' problem then (which we have in all honesty).

Dp has 'offered' to have a chat with her, as another person that was in the similar situation. But I don't know if that's a good idea or how he would orgastrate it.

I just want to say to her basically 'you have no reason to think of me as a threat and the family has plenty of love to go around. But if you start with ultimatums it is going to turn people against you'. But of course I'd never say that. But that's it in a nutshell.

There's nothing wrong with the text, it was factual. She did know the situation and the man was just bein reassuring to a long standing friend/family member.

I don't think you or your partner should say anything op, it's the sort of issue that the more you acknowledge it, the bigger it will become. Just carry on as you were before she came along and eventually she will see for herself that she has nothing to worry about. If she doesn't, then she's making a choice in her own head to be difficult about a non issue, and nothing you do or don't do will make any difference.

Oh dear it sounds like his family are more of the issue than yourself, they see you as the one that got away! his new girlfriend could never live up to you. Ultimately she's jealous of the relationship you have with his family, I don't think you can do anything it's down to her to get over it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Yes I am happy with the situation, so is my dp, so is my exdp, so is exdp's family. The only one not is gf.

Why have I posted?

Because I'm in a situation where :-

A) I go to the party and she does not, so will cause arguments

B) I don't go, and it will cause further resentment with little ex sis in law, and possibly (more than likely) with older ex sis in law and ex pil's

So what do I do for the best? Which ever choice I choose, there will be an argument and resentment.

So that is why I am posting!!

I don't think you or your DP should get involved OP - it's just adding fuel to the fire.

A pp talked about going "low drama". I think that was good advice.

Just accept the invitations or not as you would have done previously.

Don't gossip/talk about her ultimatums with anyone just say "it's up to x to make her own choices" and leave it at that.

The reality is that if she's unhappy, she and your Ex need to address that as a couple between them. If that means more ultimatums then it's up to the host of the event to decide how to play it, but if they invite you then it's not your responsibility to keep her happy by not attending.

HappyLollipop

Honestly I'm not seen 'as the one that got away', his mother has always said, we should never have started dating, we were better as friends, and I don't take that as a criticism, that is so true! That's probably why we still get along so well, because we were/are good friends. I'm more suited to dp!

Go to the party, at least on this occassion. She's already soured relations with them bu trying the ultimatum, and you've offered to back off. If your xSIL wants you at her party that should be all that matters now. Leave them to battle it out if needs be.

I think you should go to the party. You've been invited by your friend.

The situation is as it is. Your ex's DP, like your DP, will either get used to it or things will change. Stamping her feet and playing the "if she goes I'm not going" just makes her look like a 5 year old.

This isn't your fight. You attend the events you (and your DS) wish to attend. What other people do isn't down to you. It's up to your ex and her to sort out themselves what they want to do.

Osolea he was gushing about how much he wanted op to attend thats not keeping things factual also throwing shade at his partner that she has to get over it. Its just something you dont do talking about a current partner negatively to an ex its not right. He actually sounded to be more of a partner to op than his current one caring more about her feelings.

Instead of going on about how much he wanted op there knowing full well it would piss his partner off he should have just explained to his partner op would be there and that was that, I dont understand how op has painted him as this amazing catch he obviously loves the drama. It also sounds like he has a real soft spot for op, Thats probably why this partner is so jealous.
Hopefully she will just ditch him or he will put her out of her misery and ditch her.

HannaSolo I think you are right. The problem is, I am a people pleaser to an extent, and I hate the thought that she feels like this. Because if I didn't care, I would not have posted.

I said in my first post, if I was in her position i would feel like she does. But people saying to just step away, stop going etc, are asking me to step away from a large part of my family, which they are to me and me to them.

I think I'd understand more if I was single and this was a recent breakup, but the fact it's been almost 20 years, I've a partner of 16 1/2 years, a another child, he's been married since and has more children, that I wouldn't be seen as that threat. Doesn't that make sense? (Plus she's way more pretty than me and has a figure I'd kill for!)

Plus ds is 18 (well almost), and he hears things etc, sees the tension, and cant understand why things should change. Because he's been so happy with how things have been and can't understand why I'm saying no (I have explained) but his view is still at that, they want you there so go, she'll just have to get used to it.

He's just actually told me about an argument (I did say I don't want to know but he was adiment he wanted to tell me). Exdp went to pick up his dc's was an hour longer than normal because he stayed to help exw's dp do some diy. Gf hit the roof about it, and he had to call his exw's partner to say, yes he was helping me. So I'm not the only bad guy now.