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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

270 replies

Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 13:23

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2018 14:02

I just don't want to be the reason that exdp and her have issues, You aren't. He has obviously been a good enough person for you to remain close, his other ex wife and other GFs to accepted the situation, as does your DP. She is the reason they are having issues and only the 2 of them can sort it out.

If your ex asks you to step back then you will know he really wants her in his life until then... she is being daft, and is his problem to solve.

allertse · 11/01/2018 14:04

I agree with those who are saying she sounds very insecure and you shouldn't let it be your problem. It sounds like you all have a wonderful relationship and that's fab.

There is a similar relationship in my extended family and if the guy's new partner had issues the way your ex's partner does I can't imagine she would last long, as no-one would countenance that the ex-wife should suddenly be excluded from anything, least of all the guy in question.

Original poster
Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 14:05

LemonSqueezy0 no i didn't enjoy her discomfort. She was stood to the side of him when it happens hence I seen the look on her face. But it's grandad. That's his way. If she'd walked up to him next, he would have told her exactly the same thing. It's how he is, and we just go along with it. But I could see, it was a 'if looks could kill' moment.
I just said 'grandad you tell all the girls that' and we both laughed.

It was only after when I was told that she didn't want me there, that putting two and two together, did I realise there was more to that look.

But yes she knew I was going in the afternoon for definite, as we've gone in the afternoon ever since me and exdp split up. That's when we do the hand over of ds1 (he's 18 but still does 50/50 between us, its worked for 17 years and God only knows when it will end! Probably when he moves out lol)

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 11/01/2018 14:05

She's a twat, don't give in to her unreasonable demands. You are part of the family and have been for nearly 20 years: you also say that your XP has had other relationships without this kind of problem occurring.

He needs to tell her to either suck it up or fuck off. Someone who has to be the centre of attention all the time is terribly draining as a partner.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 11/01/2018 14:06

Doubt the gf be around much longer - the relationship can't be that stable if you have ruffled her feathers.
Continue as you were. ...

sinceyouask · 11/01/2018 14:09

I know plenty of women who would feel massively uncomfortable trying to esbtalish themselves in their dp family when the ex is constantly around especially at Christmas

But that's you (and her, it sounds like) seeing OP primarily as "the ex" rather than "ds's mum". The family seem to see her very much as the latter, especially as her own dp has been welcomed into it all.

missmoz · 11/01/2018 14:11

"And something she didn't like, I could tell by her face" Hmm

Well, yeah...

Carry on your relationship with DP's family, there basically your family now too, but it sounds like you kind of enjoy that they clearly prefer you to her...that's what's going to cause tension.

OhCalamity · 11/01/2018 14:13

You are part of the family. She has no right to dictate that you get ousted after all these years.

Has your DP even considered how your DS would feel if his mother was shunned by the whole family in favour of his GF? Or how that would affect DS's relationship with GF going forward? Or how that would affect the family's perception of GF?

She's loopers.

OhCalamity · 11/01/2018 14:13

You are part of the family. She has no right to dictate that you get ousted after all these years.

Has your DP even considered how your DS would feel if his mother was shunned by the whole family in favour of his GF? Or how that would affect DS's relationship with GF going forward? Or how that would affect the family's perception of GF?

She's loopers.

CoffeeOrSleep · 11/01/2018 14:14

Well, if she had to ask him out, and he wasn't sure, she probably is feeling very insecure. The fact that your DS is 18 might have part to do with it as well, that she thought as her boyfriend has an adult son with his exP, she wouldn't have to worry about access etc and meeting his ex.

Re the exSIL's birthday party, I'd have political diarrhoea, ideally a day or two before hand and then not feel up to it.

This doesn't sound like a long lasting relationship. She probably knows it and hense the dramatics.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2018 14:15

Did you read the last post miismoz ? OP explained that a bit further... the 103 year old man is a bit of a flirt!

I had a great uncle, 102 who was like that! His older sister, 104, used to take the mickey out of him "Ay soft lad, you've pulled'

I miss both of them! They thoroughly enjoyed the embarrassment they caused!

Trinity66 · 11/01/2018 14:16

I agree with a PP who said if you and ExDP had only recently split up I could understand but you've been separated 17 years and you have your own DP. Why on Earth should you or all your exinlaws give up essentially your family over a girl they just met a few months ago? Really she either needs to deal with it or move on

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 11/01/2018 14:17

it probably just takes some getting used to, I'm close to my exDP and family they are a massive part of DD's life. We fell out of love 8years ago but we remaind close friends as it makes life easier. My DP is ok with it and even has been round for dinner etc (other ex's have been jealous). Your ex's DP has probably never come across this kind of set up. give her chance to get used to the idea. xx

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 11/01/2018 14:20

missmoz

i actually kind of agree, whether it came from a 13, 103 or 50 year old, being copmapred to someone else when your insecure as it is - is bound to hurt! x

Megs4x3 · 11/01/2018 14:22

I'd give my right arm to have the kind of family relationships you have. I agree with others that it's the girlfriend's problem. What is she expecting you to do? Give up multiple relationships you've had for years to please her when it's not even what your ex wants (good for him)? Nope, she really needs to get to grips with the family that exists and she needs to make a place in, not try to rearrange everything to suit herself.

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/01/2018 14:24

They are, essentially, your family-don't back off because gf is throwing her dummy out of the pram.
I find her behaviour odd-you've known these people nearly 20 years. They are your son's family plus you've been with your current DP 17 years. Yes, grandad's comment wasn't good but, hey ho, he is 103--he can say what he likes.
She needs to get real and accept the status quo.

missmoz · 11/01/2018 14:25

Did you read the last post miismoz? OP explained that a bit further... the 103 year old man is a bit of a flirt!

Yeah I did read the update but I don't think it really matters here how old the Granddad is. It's still uncomfortable for the new partner and I'm sure OP would recognise why.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/01/2018 14:26

she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on

Your son who's 18? Is she trying to ingratiate herself or something? Because that level of care for a DSS who is a functional adult seems a wee bit...over the top?

missmoz · 11/01/2018 14:26

Also just wondering what the cut off age is where old people get to say what they like?!

Lovely333 · 11/01/2018 14:28

I cant say I would like it personally but then I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone whos ex was still in the family.
Cant say I dont feel sorry for her because I do especially if shes feeling insecure anyway and the grandad said what he did. Regardless of his age and what hes usually like.
If you dont want to cut ties then I cant see what else you can do apart from be kind to her.

UserLongNumber · 11/01/2018 14:30

Something I've noticed before on Mumsnet is that people tend to identify with the former partner rather than the new partner - I'm not sure why. But I can see why she doesn't like it because it's not what people really expect nowadays. They expect former partners to move on and build links with the family of their new partners. If it were me, I'd rather stay at home too - I wouldn't want to go to in-law family functions (often a bit stressful) if the former partner were always, always there.

It's lovely they adopted you so that you have an extended family - but it's unusual for the former partner to still be at the heart of the extended family, and new partners just wouldn't be expecting it.

Instead of interpreting it as her causing a drama, they should think of her as making it clear that she would rather not go if you are there; the family is entirely entitled to say 'well that's up to you, make your own choice'. I can see the attraction of staying at home watching NetFlix rather than lots of regular reunions and parties. Maybe that's as far as it will go. If you're invited and would like to go, go - you're not responsible for being invited or her reaction. Equally I don't think she is being unreasonable, and if people around you call her a drama queen that seems in turn to be fuelling further drama.

Separately, she shouldn't be washing clothes and ironing for your 18-year-old son!

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 11/01/2018 14:30

Your son who's 18? Is she trying to ingratiate herself or something? Because that level of care for a DSS who is a functional adult seems a wee bit...over the top?

So if shes cooking for them is she supposed to leave him out? or if she is washing clothes should she not ask DS if he needs anything washing while she puts the washer on the save to doing extra loads and using up electric/water....

If she didnt bother with him she would get slated!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2018 14:34

Also just wondering what the cut off age is where old people get to say what they like?! Well, I'd think anyone over 100 would be fairly well exempt from strict observation of many of the usual niceties, wouldn't they? Or have I fallen foul of another MN perspective?

I get why it would make anyone feel a bit insecure, but that isn't OPs fault or problem! You lept to an assumption that put a negative interpretation on OPs behaviour. I find that more annoying than the flirty utterances of an aged man!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/01/2018 14:35

I think it's not up to her who other people invite into their homes and to their parties. You are friends with your ex's family and it's not up to her to dictate who they can be friends with, not matter how you met them in the first place. I think she would have a point if you were being invited to your ex's house and therefore coming in to her space.

TBH I would go for the low drama response to this. Don't second guess what she would want, just go if you want to go and don't if you don't. If she is refusing to go if you are then, then the party girl could also go for the low drama response "Ok, let me know if you change your mind". Everyone ignores the dirty looks or comments, all of that is for your ex to sort out with her and nothing to do with you OR his family (assuming that they're not going out of their way to praise you over her).

HannaSolo · 11/01/2018 14:36

I don't really think think there is anything you can do here OP.

It's up to your Ex to manage his relationship with his GF.

The situation is unusual but not unprecedented and something that has worked for a long period of time.

I'd be wary in your case of distancing yourself from his family - to your and their dissatisfaction - because someone new to the set up doesn't like it.

I can to a degree sympathise with her discomfort but the reality is that it's incumbent on her to deal with it in an adult like (rather than childlike) fashion. Stamping her foot and making ultimatums is not going to make anyone warm to her. If she doesn't like the set up, then she needs to reconsider the viability of the relationship.

It's nice that you are trying to be thoughtful, but the truth is that she is behaving immaturely and in a bullying fashion.

If she doesn't want to attend events where you are present then that's her choice and it's not incumbent on you to "give way" to placate her.

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