Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

I cant say I would like it personally but then I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone whos ex was still in the family

I'm with you there @Lovely333

IIRC OP has spoken of other girlfriends and even a wife in the past 17 or so years? Makes you wonder why that didn't last then....

So if shes cooking for them is she supposed to leave him out?

Of course not, no more than when he's cooking for her should he leave her out - but he and his father should be taking their turns :-D

OhCalamity you pick up on a point with ds. I.e Christmas Day, he wanted us to go down, he said it's traditionally what we do, and why should we change it because of her.

He has on numerous occasions attempted to tell me something 'mum never guess what X said/did' and my response is always 'does it affect you, if not I don't want to know'

He likes her, but this situation is annoying him. I think because me and his dad have always got along, along with his ex's and my dp, having this situation is kind of tedious to him, if that's the right word.

He's always been used to his dad looking after mine and dp's son (his half brother) and us looking after his ex dp's children. (I won't go into his other children and their family, as that's not an issue here). Used to us working as a team- school plays, parents evening, doing lifts.

It may sound like ex dp has had load of relationships- there's this one, ex wife and 2 gf's (that have been serious enough to be introduced to ds).

DS said the other day, over this party invite, something that a pp said. If I said no this time, what do I stop saying no at? Do I say no to every birthday invite? Every bar-b-que? Every christening? Every wedding? Every baby shower?

Because they have a large extended family, there is always something going on somewhere. And if there isn't an occasion they'll have a get together just because!

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place. Like I said on one hand- f**k it this is how it's been for years so she likes it or lumps it and if I was in her position I would feel put out (I'm jealous person)

Someone asked about how dp feels. His last text to me, when I said I wouldn't go down for Christmas dinner because I wanted her to have her first proper Christmas there without me reads:
'Don't worry about her. She knew the score when we got together, it's no surprise to her. As far as everyone is concerned you are family, and you know mum and dad, they are gutted about your reason for not coming down, your place is already set at the table. Make sure you come down this afternoon though, we've all your presents here, and the little ones can't wait to see you. (Hope you've bought some noisey toys for them lol). Cheers for offering to do the driving tomorrow, means I can have a few with the boys'

I don't want to be seen askin him too much, incase she sees that as a 'I'm texting him about her behind his back' (which in effect is what I would be doing), so I try to stay away from that and just answer if he brings it up.

You're not doing anything wrong OP but your son is 18. How much of a 'handover' does he actually need now? Sorry if I've misunderstood there.

I get that you enjoy the closeness of the family but these are your ex's family and partners are really on the periphery of that (imo). I personally would find it all a bit cloying but different strokes and all that.

As pp suggests, ask your ex to pick this up; I expect he will any way if his girlfriend is going to become a more permanent feature.

The granddad was a bit of a shit-stirring twat. I know he's 103 but twattishness is ageless. You did try to smooth that out, kudos to you for that.

You've named somebody in that last post, OP.

I think you may have typed a real name there Snowsky Maybe report it and ask MNHQ to change it!

I don't think the new gf will last much longer op so I wouldn't go offending your adopted/ex's family because you will always be part of them because of your children. The family also do not want to give you up either, which is to both yours and their credit.

That said, I couldn't handle the situation myself if I was the gf. I am not a confident person and I simply couldn't go through life being unfavourably compared to my predecessor. It would cast a shadow over happy family occasions. I can also imagine taking it out on my partner (which is what she is doing). I certainly don't think she is some of the names she has been called on the thread. Sometimes an insensitive word (granddad) can stay with you and we all know someone who "tells it like it is" because "they are like that".

I think she started out feeling she could handle it all, but the reality is she cant. I do think she has tried, as shown by her kindness to your ds.

I don't think you have to do anything op because the situation will resolve itself and soon.

missmoz it's not about them preferring me to her, it's just that they've known me longer, they love me as part of the family. And that's all I am seen as is part of the family, I'm not seen as exdp's ex gf.

(All these ex's on everything is confusing me! Lol)

every birthday invite? Every bar-b-que? Every christening? Every wedding? Every baby shower?

I would see all this as utter hell. But, each to their own :-)

It sounds as if you are doing exactly the right thing in not sending too many texts, not discussing it at length with your former in-laws, and not responding when your son wants to talk about it. It's much, much better to avoid the drama triangle, and a kind thing you are doing. It'll all calm down very soon.

Also just wondering what the cut off age is where old people get to say what they like?!

Don't go there. Shakespeare described the 7 ages of man very accurately. The man is 103, has little time left probably and was paying a compliment that was graciously accepted. What happened to good manners? My father died recently. He was in his 90's and had Alzheimers.I suspect most people in very old age have some issues with memory or inhibitions even if they don't have a diagnosis. My father used to say things that he would never, in a million years, have said as a younger man. Comments on my weight, my clothes, my hair, you name of it not all of it complimentary, and accepted in all it's mortifying boldness because I loved him and he loved me. Absolutely he had earned the right to say what he wanted, even though he didn't really know what he was saying. The OP is entitled to let Grandad be a flirt if she wants to. I'd have my Dad back tomorrow telling me that my bum is big and my dress is hideous in a heartbeat.

it sounds like you kind of enjoy that they clearly prefer you to her...that's what's going to cause tension

I suspect you quite like it too, hence why you'be recounted grandad story, which doesn't quite tally with they don't see you as the ex.

The truth is though, the ex prefers her to you. As harsh as it sounds. He does. And she should try to understand this. If she fails to do so, then it will cause significant problems, if not the end of the relationship. It's not your problem.

She need to get her head round he wants her and not you and go with it.

In a minority here but my sympathies are with the current girlfriend..,

Zaphodsotherhead ds18 is still in 6th form, doing 4 A-levels plus the Welsh bacc so is in school all week, and also works part time 3 night per week and all day Saturday or Sunday.

She works part time-16 hours per week. She also has a 20 year old daughter that moved in too.

Hence when she moved in exdp said that what she was prepared to still do for her daughter, she was to do for ds. Likewise, he ferries her daughter around as doesn't drive yet, gives her money for nights out, has paid for a car for her to learn to drive in and the insurance. So it's a bit of give and take on this one.

I think you sound like you're rather enjoying a bit of this carry-on. The whole he was unsure about her but you pushed him into it? Ok sure.

Hence when she moved in exdp said that what she was prepared to still do for her daughter, she was to do for ds. Likewise, he ferries her daughter around as doesn't drive yet, gives her money for nights out, has paid for a car for her to learn to drive in and the insurance. So it's a bit of give and take on this one.

Why do you know all this?

exdp said that what she was prepared to still do for her daughter, she was to do for ds

Holy shit.

exdp said that what she was prepared to still do for her daughter, she was to do for ds

Holy shit.

whats so holy shit about it? they are treating them fairly?

I have to say I'm coming at it from the other side. I was the new girlfriend, OH's ex had been part of the family. They started going out at uni and she was with him for 10 years, they lived with his dad and step mum for a couple of years. When they split up (at his instigation) she was distraught and they all basically spent the next couple of years looking after her. So there were lots of things I wasn't invited to because "poor ExG" would be there and couldn't cope. Things like his brother's wedding when we'd been together about 6 months, Christmas (neither of us were invited to his dad's, but ex was). She was and is considered part of the family in a way that I have never been. I've been with OH for 14 years now, and his dad died 6 years ago. The step mum and his half sisters have since made no attempt to keep in touch with us, but from bloody FB, they are always going out and on holiday together.

It hurts, and is hard on OH. If it had been not such a recent thing (they split up and I met OH 12 months after) and she had moved on romantically (she's never had a long term boyfriend since) AND - this is the crucial point - his family had not made such a big deal about how her feelings needed to be considered before mine and OH's, then I wouldn't have cared. We now don't see stepmum and half sisters at all, and some of it is, in part, due to the fact that his Ex was seen as part of the family over OH.

So although it is lovely that you've got this close relationship, please be kind to the new gf and make it clear to him and his family that they should also be kind and understand how uncomfortable it is to constantly have the ex around and clearly love her a lot more than they love the new gf. A year can hardly compare with 17, but the whole growing up thing with the family is hard to compete with. Stay in the background, see the family when they're not and take second place for a while. I would have really appreciated it if either my PIL or the ex had made it clear that there was room for both of us - it felt constantly like they'd made their choice and it wasn't me. It didn't have to be a choice, I never felt threatened by her per se - there was no unfinished business on either side with her and OH, but she loved his family more than she ever loved him, and it really meant there's never been any room for me. Or OH. Or our kids.

whats so holy shit about it? they are treating them fairly?

The wording.

There is "now that we're blending our families, it'd be nice if we could make it all equal, across the board, what do you think?"

And there is "what you are prepared to do for your daughter, you are to do for my son".

OP - you say she is unhappy. Have his previous partners been happy with the situation? I have a feeling that this may not have been the first partner who has had an issue - after all it's been 17 years since you split and he hasn't managed to make a relationship work yet? Could it be that the lack of boundaries with old/new relationships has previously got in the way too?

Also why is she doing the washing and ironing for your adult son - sounds like she's a bit of a mug... God help the future wife of your son if this is what he perceives a woman's role to be :(

The new gf is stirring up problems in a perfectly happy family situation, that has lasted for years. She is creating problems where there is no need, seemingly out of jealousy.

I’m sure your ex’s family understand that you are not the problem. Be tactful but otherwise ignore her and continue as normal with your old friends.

Let your ex sort it out.

Idontdowindows

aH I SEE SORRY!

I do though agree with VladimirPoutine in that I also think you're enjoying yourself quite a lot with this. I personally think that you have far too much involvement with your ex's family. They are not your family and in a way, it's as if both sides don't want to let go of an old familiar thing. It's not healthy if it encroaches on anybody's freedom to move on, and it does a bit.

You might be very sweet and as nice as you've posted that you are but for all your empathy, it doesn't really guide your actions.

Again, why does your son need 'handing over' at 18? He's legally an adult, isn't he?

a perfectly happy family situation

It wasn't perfectly happy - her future partner was single and was looking for a partner.

Of course people with Alzheimers aren't to be held accountable for any offence they may cause, that really wasn't my point Megs4x3

I was more pointing out that of course this already insecure person is going tor react negatively to a unfavorable comparison with her DP's ex. Particularly when it doesn't sound like anyone else in the room said anything. To write "I could tell she didn't like that by her face" is a bit disingenuous, who would like that?!