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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

229 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 20:40

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/01/2018 20:44

Being healthy will enhance the chances of conception. If IVF is the only option, you've already shut that down to her. She has told that exercise helps her deal with stress. Time to start listening to her I think.

Hassled · 10/01/2018 20:45

So in the last year or so she's a) changed jobs, which is pretty stressful in itself, b) failed to conceive and is left with IVF which you're saying you won't do, and c) has a husband who she feels is overly involved with the ex-wife. And what you're focusing on isn't that she might be stressed and unhappy, but that she might be shagging the boss? I think you need to give yourself a bit of a talking to.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/01/2018 20:47

I think you need to concentrate on what's going wrong rather than whether her head is being turned.
You're denying her the chance of a child but you have one of your own.
You're citing expense as one of the reasons not to have IVF but you're giving money to your ex.
You need to assess how you think your wife might feel right now.

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 20:49

I agree with Hassled, she's probably really unhappy.

TowerRavenSeven · 10/01/2018 20:49

Honestly it's not the exercise and man dominated work I'd be worried about. Not being open to IVF, having to cope with a difficult step child and (sorry but this would do it for me) giving more $ to the ex and her not agreeing...those are your problems.

Rainboho · 10/01/2018 20:50

In your DWs situation, I would be struggling massively with not having a much wanted child of my own, whilst the man I wanted a child with already has one and I felt that he was overly involved with the woman who was able to have a child with him. I would be pretty heartbroken.

Mysteriouscurle · 10/01/2018 20:51

Are you hoping your wife will read this?

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2018 20:52

all of the above
Fair play for posting and I hope you take heed of the advice

MotherofaSurvivor · 10/01/2018 20:53

Yeah because if she does she will obviously realise it is you?!? Hmm

MotherofaSurvivor · 10/01/2018 20:55

Sorry OP but you sound really inconsiderate of your wife and her feelings.

StickThatInYourPipe · 10/01/2018 20:55

You think that IVF ruins marriages but you don’t think shutting the conversation on the subject down with a ‘no’ to a woman who presumably desperately wants a child won’t ruin your marriage?

Cynara · 10/01/2018 20:55

So you're refusing to have IVF but are increasing the financial support you give to the mother of your child? If I was your wife I'd leave you, never mind have an affair.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 10/01/2018 20:56

I think your wife’s self esteem has probably been shot to bits. She’s not been able to conceive and as you already have a child she will probably blame herself (although it might not be her fault). You are refusing to allow her to try ivf to have presumably a much longed for child because of amongst other things cost whilst at the same time giving money to help out what I assume is the mother of your child. On top of this she’s changed jobs. Given how down she’s probably feeling it’s probably a good thing she’s releasing all those endorphins at the gym. If everyone she works with are men, of course she is going to socialise with them otherwise her new job will be lonely. Try saving some of the money you’re handing over to your ex to help your wife.

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 20:56

if this was your husband would you be concerned?

I would be concerned I had married someone who didn't care too much about my feelings.

metacrisis · 10/01/2018 20:56

Quite possibly. And who would blame her? You would deny her a child she wants while you have one of your own, you prioritise your ex over her.

Would I be concerned if this was my husband? No. I would be very concerned if you were my husband though, and I would be making plans to leave you.

Fairylea · 10/01/2018 20:57

What Cynara said.

ScienceNut · 10/01/2018 20:57

Having outed yourself as the man in aibu not sure you will get straight answers here.

I think you need to talk to your wife, how is she feeling about your straight no to ivf. We needed help (similar situation in the fact that my dh has 2 children from previous including needing to support ex) but it would have been a deal breaker to me if it had been a straight no.

glitterfarts · 10/01/2018 20:58

You have a child but are denying her the same thing? You won't even consider trying IVF? I'd say that will wreck your marriage faster.
Your ex is your ex. If you're divorced and financially separate, and paying her child support, there is no need to be giving her money due to her poor life choices or bad luck. Especially if you are telling your wife that you are too worried about money stress to do IVF.
Your current wife probably feels like you're more supportive of and concerned about the ex than her.
Not to mention having to put up with horrible behaviour from your child whilst being denied one of her own.
I'm not surprised that you are feeling like she's checked out of the marriage. She might have!
You sound quite self centered.

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 20:58

Maybe it's a reverse? Wink

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 20:58

I'm going to just add to the chorus here.

Your wife is unhappy and you're concerned about the wrong people, namely the ex and yourself.

How is it you're giving the ex more money and denying your wife IVF due to costs? I mean... seriously?

MaggieS41 · 10/01/2018 20:59

To be frank yes you do have something to worry about but it’s not just her turning heads at work....

You say you’ve been trying to get pregnant but don’t want to go down the path of ivf because it can ruin relationships? Yes, it may test your relationship but if it’s a strong one you’ll get through it. To deny a woman the chance to have her own child is probably more likely to test and ultimately ruin your relationship. The fact is it is a financial drain as well but if you’re willing to help your ex out financially why wouldn’t you prioritise the needs of your NOW wife financially and emotionally.

Good on her for looking after herself - whether it’s for her, getting pregnant or feeling better about herself.

Would I be right in making the assumption you’re also not as keen to have another child as you already have one? What’s her relationship like with your ex? And your child?

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/01/2018 21:00

Whilst I do agree with the above PPs.
I do, also, think you might have a point. I feel your wife is being inspired by someone at work to work on herself. This may be nothing or it may be something.
Speak with her.

metacrisis · 10/01/2018 21:00

Having outed yourself as the man in aibu not sure you will get straight answers here

Bullshit, its the same either way.

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 21:01

She could always reply to this thread...

IAmADancer · 10/01/2018 21:02

You need to sit down with your wife and have a proper conversation with her. I don’t think she’s having an affair but I am guessing she is in a situation where she doesn’t feel important enough to you and that is affecting her. She is taking control of the situation in other ways by controlling her diet, alcohol intake and level of exercise. I know a fair few people who have gone through IVF and they are still very much together but I’m guessing you haven’t even spoken to her about it in detail, just shut her down.
Maybe don’t jump to anymore conclusions and instead show some compassion and talk to her.

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