To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

Hard to believe that anyone's this thick, impossible in fact.

I think she’s unhappy, I would be in her situation.

So you are happy to help out your Ex financially- she’s not your wife anymore! Move on man. That means being a parent to your kids. Not a husband to your Ex.

You are happy to load on stress via your own kids yet don’t even agree to IVF so your wife and you can have your own.

And now she’s getting fit, working (so not just dependent on you) and looking amazing... and you see this as negative?

If I were you I’d agree to IVF, parent your kids better so they aren’t so challenging, stop giving money to your Ex, and start treating your wife to weekends away and nurturing her more.

Or you really will lose her.

Meant to add I would end the relationship as I would view it as him as him just not loving me enough to want to try to make me as happy as I could be.

What would have got you a different response, is if you'd outlined what your wife wants, shown sympathy for that, even indicated shared feelings and aspirations, then gone on to say something about what you were going to do to help her get what she wants, to make her happier.

Then, if you'd said you were concerned she might be having an affair, we might have been surprised.

The main response would, I suspect, still have been to talk and most of all to listen to her.

You should give her a child via IVF if you both want a child, it doesn’t matter how the child gets there. She may love your child but it won’t take away her urge to grow one herself.

I can't get past the sharing the child thing. My ex-h has just suggested in court that we have something of a 3-way co-parenting arrangement with me, him and the shitface he left me for. Ummm...nope, that is not happening. How on earth would your child's mother feel about this? Your wife is not your child's mother, she is never ever ever going to feel about your child the way you do. I think you should let her find somebody more suitable to be honest.

Agree with above. For example:
I had said no to IVF however I realise that this is a massive deal, and denying her the opportunity to ever have a child by staying with me.

I know my child is very challenging as I’m not always parenting as well as I should, or could, and that this puts a strain on my marriage.

Me having a child and her not is very hard for her. Being a step mum is no compensation and often more painful than if I did not have a child.

By helping out financially my Ex - whatever the financial reason - I am crossing the line from my marriage into still being a husband to my first wife. This is not right, I am my wife’s husband. If she was going to be homeless there are countless other ways to protect your child’s position, including providing a home.

Is this a reverse??

Hope so, otherwise.. .

Honestly it's not the exercise and man dominated work I'd be worried about. Not being open to IVF, having to cope with a difficult step child and (sorry but this would do it for me) giving more $ to the ex and her not agreeing...those are your problems.

Yes. This ^

I think that both of you need to sit down and talk about what you want.

She could be trying to improve her health to increase the chances of getting pregnant (naturally or assisted conception)

She could have decided if she is not going to get pregnant she is going to throw all her efforts into her career, and maybe her appearance, socialising with colleagues etc all help that.

She may feel that if you won't consider ivf, and are too involved with your ex that she needs to move on.

I understand from experience that ivf can be stressful (my dd was a result of icsi, and we have had 2 further icsi since). It sure how much knowledge you have of the process. The stress may damage some relationships, but have you thought that it can also make it stronger?

As you have a child can you honestly understand how your wife feels not having one of her own? She could have endless love for a step child, but still be desperate for one of her own.

The only way to find out is to talk about it together and be honest about what you both want, using a counsellor if need be.

Your child already has a mother, and it isn't your current wife and can never be her. She can't take the place of their mother. She wants her own, and if you refuse to understand that then you do not deserve her.

Sounds more like she's had her self-esteem dented by the failure to conceive and the thought she may never have her own baby, and is doing something that makes her feel good about herself and which relieves stress.

Have waited til now as my wife wanted to be married and I wanted us to be settled and homeowners. (We were working abroad for sometime)

You've been together for ten years and married for three. Am I reading this right, that your wife agreed to delay marriage because you wanted to be settled and homeowners first? How long has she been broody for?

How much did you see of your child when you were both abroad?

Talk to her about how you feel and your concerns ! I understand things go through your head and you start imagining and thinking all sorts but stop that and talk to her, support her, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her.

Also, ask her outright you know your partner well enough to know if there is anything untoward.

Don't shut her out as otherwise she will find someone else to talk her problems out with and vice Versa and that's a slippery slope you don't want to be finding yourselves on.

Good luck

And for the record I've been in that place where my husband had children who lived with us I was their step mum and we had ivf that failed and I didn't want to go through
My life without having a child at 38 (he had a vasectomy with his first wife) we parted after 9 years because he refused to talk about it and didn't want to spend another £6000 for treatment again

So I met someone else and I now have a 9 month old son. The desire to have children will never go away you fill your void with nice holidays, your career and other things but there will always be a piece of her jigsaw missing

also note my step children then during this time had their own children so that was another stab in the heart!

So whilst she is a great step mum as was I it's not her flesh and blood, she's not experienced the feeling and overwhelming love of carrying, growing and birthing her own child which is magical. Don't deny her of that or you will lose her. Ask yourself are you enough for her ?? Will she resent you later on. Don't let her leave it too late or she will !

This is like one of those threads where some tosser posts shite in ord er to prove “double standards “ on MN.....

OP, the heart of the matter here is your wife wants a child of her own. And whatever you write about the cost of ivf, the reall truth is I think youj don't want another child.

Take a look at the Relationship board. There are other threads where someone will post that they want a child and the partner (usually a man) doesn't.

The advice generally given to the OP in these situations is usually the same; that the OP needs to consider if they would be happy staying with the partner but never having their own child. But if they can't, if the need for a child is too great, then the general advice is to leave and find someone with whom they can have a child.

The truth is, to maintain the relationship you currently have, one of you is going to have to compromise, you can't both have what you want. You need to talk with you wife and listen. This is crunch time.

OP, if you are serious then I hope your wife is riding her boss or some other hot guy like a brazen she-devil and ends up pregnant by someone else. Don’t worry, it will ‘your’ child according to your ridiculous logic. If you had said that line about her having a child already to me, I’d be giving you a home vasectomy with a pair of London stock bricks.

This reeks of hotwife/cuckold fetish troll.

A lot of these posts have been helpful - some truly spiteful and horrible. Look being honest, I maybe haven't handled things the best recently. I had a bad family up bringing, I don't want to my son to have that. So I put him first, but he is a child and surely my wife should understand that. Recently she suggest going away for the weekend, I said fine as long as we could all go together as a family (the 3 of us) I don't understand why we wouldn't still have a nice time. She gets me alone most of the time at home, so when we go away I want my son to be included so he doesn't feel left out. But she threw a huge tantrum, saying she wanted it just to be the 2 of us - I think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face and the weekend hasn't been mentioned since. I shouldn't have continued a relationship with my ex, we weren't a good couple .... but she was going to kill herself if we didn't have children. (She worked with children and had a miscarriage when we fell pregnant by accident, so we had to keep trying although the relationship was dead in the water) Bringing a child into the world shouldn't be stressful and I fear that now IVF is on the cards, if it doesn't work it might send my wife into a spiral of depression. I don't want history to repeat its self.

So, what would you do if you find out she is having an affair?

I’ve never called anyone names before, let alone a random stranger in the Internet, but you’re a nasty piece of work. You’ve come here knowing your wife uses this website, slyly implying (to her) that you suspect she’s having an affair and setting out your stall. You accuse a grown woman of having a tantrum. You deny a birth mother the right to be called the child’s mother because hey, your next wife is the boy’s mother too. You put your son’s interests ahead of your wife’s in terms of a weekend away and make sure he’s financially covered, so clearly have some understanding of parental duties and rights. But you claim not to understand why she can’t see your son as her own child - when he lives with his birth mother - denying her the right to have her own child to put ahead of you or anyone else.

Nasty, nasty man. I’m actually grimacing at my screen with distaste.

You can’t understand why your child isn’t enough for her.?????

Wow. You need to be doing more for your marriage. I don’t know why you opened your post with so many compliments about her, why list off so many things you don’t value? You are ignoring some really Important needs for her while supporting you ex and child and wondering why that set up isn’t working for her, and giving her what she needs. I agree with you, I don’t know how you ended up with someone so great.

And why are you assume that she will go into a spiral of depression if things don’t work with ivf? You are just presuming things will work out badly without giving it a chance as a result of baggage from your previous relation.....isn’t your wife having to deal with enough of that as it is?

Have you considered what would happen if IVF did work? How happy that would make your wife to have a child of her own? Your marriage will be over anyway if you continue to be so fucking clueless and stubborn so you might as well go for IVF.

"She gets me alone most of the time"

Sorry but why is this considered special? You've got an ego on you, haven't you? She asked for a weekend away.

Why couldn't you let her have that and arrange a different time with your son?