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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

229 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 20:40

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

OP posts:
Mumto2two · 11/01/2018 10:29

I don't think anything I've read points to an affair as such. But once the deeper levels of communication channels break down, as they appear to have here, the path is easier paved for a partner to stray. I've been on both sides of this scenario. With my first husband, we lost that connection, we didn't talk about the deeper stuff, it became daily mundane monotony, and he simply stopped trying. I was career driven and also worked in a male dominated environment, and yes I took great care with my appearance and I can't deny I liked the fact that I had a lot of attention back then! I never acted on it, but it took a close call to make me stop and take stock, and I ended the marriage. It was a massive shock to him, and I still feel terrible guilt & sadness at the pain it all caused. But it had just fallen away, and he no longer made me feel the way I thought my husband should. We were still relatively young, so I just felt that was the best thing to do. Having experienced the same with my 2nd husband, I have given it everything to keep it together. We let things slip for a few years, and lo and behold, the much younger office minx was waiting in the wings. Giving him the attention he wasn't getting at home. Talking about things we hadn't talked about in years...but we came back from this, and are stronger for it. It's too much to throw away.
Talk to your wife, find some compromise on the issues you have, and listen to how she feels about these things. Reconnect with her on an emotional level, the hands everywhere approach might not be what she has in mind, and hopefully things will be more clear. Good luck!

Flappyears · 11/01/2018 10:59

First, book a weekend away to somewhere you know SHE would like.

Take the time to ask her how she is, what’s going on for her, and really, really listen to what she is saying.

It seems that having a child is a dealbreaker for her. If you really don’t want one, then you should let her go and find someone else.

Your attitude that you provide financially is really disrespectful - it doesn’t mean that you resolve yourself from any other responsibility towards your wife’s happiness and wellbeing.

If you are prepared to consider her overwhelming need for a child (because that it is what it is, it’s not a want, it’s a need), then agree a timetable for when you would consider it - six months, a year?

And don’t ever, ever suggest or imply that your child should be enough for her. It’s really insulting and dismissive of her feelings.

Unfortunately your traumatic childhood has shut you off from some of the empathy that you might have had. However, if you want to have a positive relationship going forward, you have to try to put your own viewpoint aside and genuinely try to see things from your wife’s perspective.

People posting here are not trying to be nasty to you. They are just empathising with your wife and trying to get across to you how she is feeling.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 11/01/2018 11:09

Oh my...

You really, really need to ask and LISTEN to your wife...

And no, being a step parent is NOT the same as being a parent

leiaorganashair · 11/01/2018 11:13

Apart from all the other issues here.

You have no idea what it's like to desperately want a child you know you might never have. Absolutely no idea. And to suggest she should just be happy with her stepson is quite frankly insulting.

StormTreader · 11/01/2018 11:40

Wow, I REALLY hope this is a windup.
Shes told you what she needs, and youve replied "well, Ive thought about it and decided that what you currently have is enough."

Its no wonder shes decided to start looking after herself by going to the gym, you're clearly not that interested in what she needs or wants so she has to look out for herself. You might want to ask yourself what someone who feels like that is really gaining by staying married when she could just leave and not have to deal with a demanding ex and a "clingy, challenging" stepchild.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/01/2018 11:46

You're terrified of emotion, aren't you. You have no idea how to deal with it, other than panic. Then you either capitulate or stonewall.

That's why you don't want to do IVF isn't it. You think your wife will become emotional and you don't know how YOU could cope with that.

You need therapy. Your childhood has given you no normal emotional responses or coping mechanisms and you haven't had the insight, in adulthood, to recognise and deal with this.

Also, please stop treating your wife like a blow-up doll. Women are people. They are not living projections of male sexual fantasy. They have thoughts and feelings that are not about men. Really! It's actually true!

mummmy2017 · 11/01/2018 11:55

Do you realise how much of your wife's life is ruled by what YOU want.
You want to take your son on a romantic weekend away.
She gets a new job, more money and YOU give it all away to your Ex;s.
You think because YOU have a son, your wife has given birth to him.

Maybe you need to start showing this woman that she is important to you, by doing some things for her.

I don't think she is having an affair, as she wanted to go away with you, but I do think for all her outward looks, she feels like nothing to you.

QueenDaisy · 11/01/2018 13:09

If this is real, I think the OP may soon find himself with an ex-wife.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/01/2018 13:27

if your other halves had behaved like me. What could they do to build bridges?

  1. Book that weekend away, just the two of you. As a PP said, make it all about her. Make it really special. (Make it Venice!)
  1. Find some empathy, try and put yourself in her shoes. Try and imagine what she might say if she took to Mumsnet.
  1. There has been some absolutely brilliant advice on here, take it.

Good luck to both of you.

TemptressofWaikiki · 12/01/2018 16:46

if your other halves had behaved like me. What could they do to build bridges?

Nothing. If my DH behaved only half as much as such a cockwomble, I’d be long gone. That said, part of me would like to believe this is an exercise in goading, as surely no one would be that much of self-centred buffoon. But sadly, I have seen some of your ilk…

halfwitpicker · 15/01/2018 12:51

Daily mail, daily fail

You're famous OP!

Lucylululu · 15/01/2018 16:36

I very much doubt it!

BattleCuntGalactica · 15/01/2018 21:39

Here's your link to Daily Fail fame!

0ccamsRazor · 16/01/2018 10:13

Pull up your big boys pants Op and man up.

Your dw deserves to be happy.

0ccamsRazor · 16/01/2018 10:20

Molly Rose Pike it must have been so difficult to research your article for the dailyfail. I am in awe with your wordsmithary and journalism Bear

ittakes2 · 16/01/2018 10:29

If she wants to have ivf and you won’t let her - that could ruin you marriage and not the IVF itself. If you have IVF I recommend three things: getting hair analysis to test for both Vitamin and toxin levels: regular Acupuncutre for her; a cranial oestopath session for her to check there is no physical structural problems putting tension on her womb.

StormTreader · 16/01/2018 12:11

Wow what a shit article - lets ignore all of the other vast factors that led to everyone saying "you are being a bad husband" and just quote the bits about "well shes starting going to the gym and works with a lot of men."

Coastalcommand · 16/01/2018 13:25

Let her go OP. Without you she’s free to try for a baby with someone else. She may even be eligible for NHS funded treatment if she meets someone who has no children. Or she may not need the treatment with them, depending if it’s male or female infertility that’s the problem.
Make your child your focus and let her have her dream while she still can.

Tika77 · 16/01/2018 13:32

Oh my... I'm quite new to this website and never really understood the DM references. Speechless.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2018 15:27

I am in awe with your wordsmithary and journalism

That is the problem with the Daily Fail lifting (and making up) stories here. Their writing looks shockingly poor next to that of MNers.

ZoopDragon · 16/01/2018 19:43

She might be having an affair. Lots of time at the gym plus unusual attention to her appearence would indicate she is either seeing somebody else or trying to attract somebody else. Do you want to save your marriage or end it? Would an affair be the end?

I can see why you are not enough for her. You don't understand her. Your son is not her biological child and can never make up for not having her own, one she can raise from a baby. Not one raised by your ex. Why would she want him tagging along on a romantic break? Your attention will be divided. She'll be focused on caring for him instead of making love to you.
Sounds like she is doing her bit as stepmother, but you are not doing your bit as a husband.

I expect she wants someone to put her first. To focus on her needs and dreams. It sounds like you are devoted to your son (which is admirable) yet you have managed the situation poorly.

How much of the year do you work away?

Original poster
tobeworriedaboutthis · 17/01/2018 08:05

Well I didn't expect that to happen to end up on the mail website, didn't realise they did that ! ..... things have been increasingly difficult. Very quiet from her side, not much interaction in fact. She seems pretty exhausted or distracted - not sure which. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said she's fine - just tired from training. I asked her to take me training - which she did and that seemed to perk her up. But we didn't go to her usual haunt as it "was too far to travel on the weekend" and she seemed to take great delight in the fact I was a big sweaty exhausted mess and she was merely glowing. ...... I haven't brought up the weekend away again as my Son wants to come over that weekend and bring a friend, so I feel a bit torn to be honest and I don't think she seems that interested in that idea currently. To answer your question @ZoopDragon I think last time I tallied the trips away it was 6months of the year away. (but not all at one time, Sunday to Thursday that type of thing)

OP posts:
Whizbang · 17/01/2018 09:52

Ugh, you really are a nasty piece of work and you just refuse to take on board the advice above that might help you safe your marriage. Now you're asking to accompany her and making snarky comments because you didn't go to her usual gym (hoping to check out her gym friends no doubt and sniff out imaginary indiscretions) as well as yet again prioritising your son's needs - oh and his friend too - over her.

I think she's done well to put up with you so far, but at this point she needs to leave because you are clearly incapable of prioritising her needs at all.

If your wife is reading....leave! Find your happiness with a kinder man who is less self absorbed. Good luck to the wife.

MadMags · 17/01/2018 15:53

I wouldn't rise to it, Whiz.

It seems a very particular type of response.

running3 · 17/01/2018 16:07

By the sounds of it you were totally upfront at the start of your relationship that you may not want any more children- so I'm not sure why you're getting such a beating on here!

However, carrying your own child is something that many women dream of and yearn for and I can only imagine that this is having a much bigger impact on your wife than you realise. I think it's nice that you ensure the well-being of your ex and respect her. I also think it's nice that you consider your wife to be a mother to your child, but I imagine it is so much deeper when that child has your blood.

The exercise may be a new focus or goal for her while she tries to deal with the baby stuff.
Good luck, I hope she's not having an affair and that there is a way forward for you both.

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