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AIBU?

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Original poster

To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

229 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 20:40

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

OP posts:
AnakinCyberwalker · 10/01/2018 21:53

I think most people on here are probably hoping by now your wife is having an affair.

Yep.

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 21:56

Oh, you're thinking if you'd only told us half the deal you'd have gotten better replies for you?

You are selfish. Your wife deserves better. You are fobbing her off because after all, you have what you need eh, so who cares what she gets?

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 21:58

Totally agree with StickThatInYourPipe "You think that IVF ruins marriages but you don’t think shutting the conversation on the subject down with a ‘no’ to a woman who presumably desperately wants a child won’t ruin your marriage?"

I've not yet read all the posts. But i think you had better look into fertility treatment. And take your wife's needs seriously.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2018 21:58

The increase in fitness alone would have told us she's stressed and trying to gain some control over her life.

I don't suppose she's having an affair. Yet. She can leave you without having an affair you know.

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2018 22:00

Yup, she's shagging the fella from work.

Or at least, she will be soon

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2018 22:00

How old is she?

KindDogsTail · 10/01/2018 22:02

I have not rthft.
I found myself stopping immediately where you wrote this:
The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child

You may be underestimating how much she may want a child of her own. She may be a bit upset about your stance, and possibly finding it selfish. She may be distancing herself with work and energetic activity to avoid confrontation.

Also the healthier she is and the better her diet the more likely it is her fertility will be optimal. A diet intended to promote fertility is an extremely healthy one.

I suspect that if she did have an affair it would be subconsciously driven to enhance her chances of a pregnancy. But somehow I do not think she is having one now.

dragonwarrior · 10/01/2018 22:02

This is a fake post isn't it.... it's a scenario flipped to make us all look anti-men because you'll say it is really a woman asking about her husband and if you had said that we'd all say LTB...

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 22:02

When she spots this thread it will probably be the final straw TBH. AIBU has the highest traffic, so she's bound to see.

Did you know there's a Relationships topic OP?

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2018 22:02

I wonder if I just posted about the increase in fitness I would have got a different response ..... I was just trying to create a whole picture of where we are in our relationship

But then you'd get responses that are not based on the ACTUAL situation - but that suit your ego. Jeeez!

Cynara · 10/01/2018 22:05

Oh good grief. Have just come back to this thread and have seen your remarks about thinking your child should get enough for your wife.
If this is the sort of shit you're saying to her IRL, I sincerely hope that your wife is having an affair and will ultimately leave your selfish, self absorbed ass for a man who considers her feelings rather than riding roughshod all over her as long as he gets what he wants. Honestly, have a word with yourself.

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/01/2018 22:05

You are getting a roasting, OP.
You were not wrong financially helping the ex and your child. I see this as a good thing.
As for the IVF issue, readdress this with her. Yes, you might see her as another parent for your child (and she may feel that she is) but she obviously wants a child of her own too.
Your marriage will fail if your goals (in terms of having a baby) don't align.
If it's not too late already.

Hidingalion · 10/01/2018 22:05

When i had huge fertility issues, I loved my DH, and he was totally on side with us trying our hardest to have children. Nevertheless a part of me inside was desperately going "Maybe if we try with other people we'll get pregnant more easily!!". It was easy to quell that voice because the marriage was strong and we were on the same page. But do not downplay a person's desire for their own child. If I'd been married to you, with your stonewalling plus the strength of my need for a child, I might well have shagged all sorts of people.

What are your fertility issues? Have you even had any investigations?

SusieOwl4 · 10/01/2018 22:06

So you won’t do IVF because it ruins marriages ? You either want a child with your wife or you don’t and have you considered if you won’t do IVF then it might ruin your marriage anyway ? It does not sound like you are talking enough or considering her feelings . And if you don’t and she is attractive and successful then someone else might easily take your place .

Hidingalion · 10/01/2018 22:07

I don't mean to consciously try and get pregnant by someone else... I'm just saying there is more than one kind of drive, more than one kind of libido.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2018 22:07

You are having a fucking laugh.

I had mild murmers of sympathy till you came out with that pile of crap about your child with your ex being “enough for her” when she can’t conceive a baby of her own.

You have absolutely no fucking clue what being a step parent is like and your blinding lack of insight makes me think you’re currently a pretty awful husband.

When you can’t have a child of your own I can assure you that a step child is an unimaginably painful reminder of the fact, every single bloody day.

And rather than properly considering ivf you’re chucking a load of extra cash at your ex, a person you’re no longer in a relationship with or responsible for.

There are ways you could turn this around and try and a man who’s worthy of your wife. But it’s going to take a lot of work and even more insight, empathy and compassion.

Stop being so bloody selfish.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 10/01/2018 22:08

So many of the people on this thread are able to pick out many reasons why your wife may be unhappy - and you apparently don't have a clue!

I believe you know exactly why she isn't happy - you just don't care to fix it and dismiss her reasons.

lonelymum86 · 10/01/2018 22:12

@tobeworriedaboutthis you come across as pretty thoughtless. Your Mrs hopefully will get pregnant by her boss! Good luck to her! She’s better off with him than with you!

ClaryFray · 10/01/2018 22:13

I hope she is having an affair.

You sound like a self absorbed tosser. Your child with the ex, is not hers. She hasn't grown the child in her body, nor has she had the pain of labour melt away when that baby is placed in her arms. Your denying her all that because you already have a child and that should be enough.

deadringer · 10/01/2018 22:14

I can't believe the op thinks his wife's recent interest in fitness is the problem here.

KindDogsTail · 10/01/2018 22:15

I don't mean to consciously try and get pregnant by someone else... I'm just saying there is more than one kind of drive, more than one kind of libido

I think you are so right, Hiding

CodPuncher · 10/01/2018 22:15

Hey Mrs tobeworriedaboutthis if you're reading this, dump the husband and run, run, run. I guarantee your happiness will increase 100% HTH

Puremince · 10/01/2018 22:16

If you had just posted about the increase in fitness, I would have thought she was trying to get healthier to prepare for pregnancy.

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2018 22:17

She's so shagging the totty from work.

Gym, ha.

ugghhreally · 10/01/2018 22:18

You were right to "create the whole picture" as people have been able to perceive and point out a real issue that you have and seem to still be blind to.

The fact that you see your daughter as hers is lovely and a real compliment to your wife and how you see her.

However as a woman that has suffered loss and is still trying for a first biological child child I can tell you for a fact that if I was in her position and my husband was refusing to even try to allow me the opportunity to have my own child by refusing ivf I'm not sure I could, or would forgive him. It would eventually cause me to end the relationship.

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