To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

This is a wind up.

Agreed MrsTerryPratchett. Nobody in RL is as dense as the op!

I've been the step mum that couldn't have ANY time at the weekend with my partner without his son.
He thought the same as you i.e. we were alone all week so what was the problem!
The difference was when I explained that I couldn't spend the rest of the relationship like that other arrangements were made.
Get your head out of the clouds, your child is not her child

I hope this is a wind up as reading through it has made me feel sick to the stomach. Your poor wife is having to put up with a hell of a lot. She will no doubt be in real emotional turmoil from ttc without success, and clearly she feels this a lot more acutely than you do. I’ve been there and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. You expect her to accept your child as though it’s her own without question whilst simultaneously making decisions (for example, to give your ex money or not to do IVF) without taking her views into account. Either you’re a team or you’re not but you can’t pick and chose.

IVF doesn’t ruin a good marriage but frankly, I could imagine it ruining yours. You sound like an incredibly self-centered and unsupportive person, and if your wife hadn’t sussed that yet, doing IVF will no doubt make it crystal clear.

The exercising and close relationship with her boss sound like an escape from everything else that’s going on. I think you’re right to worry about it, as it does seem like a sign that all is not well in your marriage. Your unwillingness to invest in time together as a couple (without including your child) will only push her to do the same.

You need to talk to her openly and frankly about everything, and then really listen to what she has to say.

This can't be real can it?

OP, it’s nice that you want to put your child first. But you must understand that most people don’t like feeling second best all the time. It depends on how much you want your marriage to survive really. I have a feeling that suggesting a weekend away may have been her giving you one last chance to show that you love her.

You just cannot be for real. You don't have a clue, do you? Instead of moaning that people are being mean to you, why not try listening to what you're being told, bearing in mind that almost everyone is saying the same thing.
Or, you carry on being self centred and sanctimonious and wait for your wife to divorce you.

Once again your lack of insight is astounding. The more you say the more obvious it is that neither of you are in the same page.

Example. Weekend away. Your wife suggesting you both go away alone was her reaching out to you and clearly demonstrates a desire to spend some quality time with you - by your own admission you've had a terrible year. You however have rejected her on the basis that she gets you all to herself at home and accused her of cutting her nose off to spite her face. The fact you can't see why she might want to spend some quality time with you without the pressure of the cooking, cleaning, washing and other never ending jobs in the house need to be done smacks of you not pulling your weight at home (no doubt you'll disagree). If you were doing your fair share you'd understand why de wants to get away, switch off and spend real time together). It also points to you not really valuing her at all.

The more you say, the clearer it is that your wife has and continues to be incredibly accommodating to YOUR wants and needs in life.

You on the other hand sound incredibly self centred and selfish but are dressing it up in faux concern for your wife. E.g. You say you're worried failed ivf will result in depression.

In truth you refusing ivf and your general behaviour is a smokescreen. The simple fact of the matter is you're happy with how things are (You have your own child. You like the current arrangement regardless of your wife's feelings. You don't really want another child. You don't want ivf) and are going to block it by wrongly suggesting failed ivf will result in your wife getting depressed.

I'd be amazed if your wife isn't already depressed with what it sounds like you've put her through. If she isn't then sounds like your behaviour (NOT failed ivf) is certainly running the risk of pushing her in that direction.

Based on what you've said so far. Given your clear lack of insight or empathy into your wife's feelings, wants or needs I'd be amazed if she wasn't looking for an exit strategy (I would be), although if you've always been like this then over 10 years you may have ground her down into thinking she doesn't deserve any better.

If you genuinely care for your wife and want to try to save your marriage you clearly need outside help (counselling), to help spell things out to you / enable you both to communicate better / for you to actually hear what your wife is saying to you.

I can't see why this isn't enough
Of course she wants her own child, no it isn't enough,vthe child you've got is yours and your ex's!

Although I don’t like speaking for others, unlike you, I’m getting the feeling most people on here are thinking either pull your socks up, let your wife try ivf or fuck off out of her life. The poor woman probably is depressed anyway if she’s truly being treated the way you describe. If what she wants is do opposed to her life goals it’s not reasonable to expect a happy marriage. Far from your child being enough for her in the failure to conceive it’s probably making everything so much more painful, it will also most likely prevent any nhs help which she will know as she will have spent hours researching it. No wonder she needs time away. To the wife if your reading it, pick the hottest bloke in the office and have fun.

I also hope your wife does see this thread as actually your intent to accuse her of infidelity via the internet knowing she is on this site is pretty disgusting.

If your wife was my friend based on this and what I have previously said, I would be recommending she seriously evaluate the relationship and whether she wanted to take the opportunity to split and try to fulfil her dreams/wants/needs, or stay accept that deep down you don't really care enough about her to try to help make her happy (again, am sure you'll disagree).

Oh and before anyone shouts double standards I’ve advised a man in a shit relationship he would leave to do the same previously.

I can believe this is real, not goady or anything akin.

As poster's say, you've an ego problem and that nonesense about 'history not repeating itself' is just that. It appears you've posted to get arguments/clarity with which to counter-argue your wife, and for sanity sake it fortunately isn't working.

You've an emotional void with your wife the size of an ocean. And no she won't be 'having an affair' but one could grasp why she may do and/or leave the selfish you.

Also, my wife is extremely beautiful. But I wouldn;t over-emphasise this when posting on tinternet over a relationship problem. That's ego-driven weirdness.

and yes by posting here you've invaded her space - the space she has away from you and the demands on her life, and raising the possibility of her infidelity.
Well done.

Dear Mrs. MarriedToThisObtuseEejit, please find your happiness. It's out there. He isn't interested in your happiness, find someone who is.

Look, I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I can't help but be suspicious. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can make her happy. I work hard, have to work away often which is tough (and would give her ample opportunity) but I provide for us, she has a nice lifestyle and wants for nothing really. I constantly compliment her, my hands are alway on her - we have a great physical relationship. I'm sure the baby will come, but I don't see why we need to jump straight into IVF or counselling. God knows we've had enough tests already. I feel constantly stuck in the middle, between my son, my wife and my ex - I'm between a rock and a hard place. My wife prefers to stick to the pre arranged access times for my son. She like to plan, hates it if she has to change plans. However life doesn't alway work like that and when my ex asks if I can have him extra to help her out I agree and then my wife gets moody about it. I can't help the fact I want to see my son. I'd like more access but my ex thinks it's too disruptive to his routine. Honestly I watched her this morning, the effort that goes into getting ready for the gym is more than when she just goes running. Shower, perfume, bit of make up, her new gym gear. When she goes running from the house it's any old gear, no shower and a cap on. There must be more to it .... she is never happier than when she is bouncing out the door to work.

You probably need to read what pretty much everyone is saying again a few times.

(And FWIW, my husband's hands are always on me...and somtimes that is just a real pain in the arse. Sometimes I just want to walk around the house and go about my business unmolested,you know?)

You do know your wife isn't a doll you can pick up and put down don't you?

Sadly I really hope she does have someone at the gym that is making her happy and putting her first. I think it's great that you are a dad that actually gives his fair share to raising his child. But you are completely disregarding all of your wife's feelings. Even so much as a weekend away...I have 2 children. Me and my partner are going away for a weekend WITHOUT the kids.

Your child is not enough for her because he's not HER child and you are refusing to give her the child you have both said you wanted because YOU already have one that should be enough for her.

You honestly sound like you cannot even remotely comprehend her feelings at all. I feel very sorry for her.

Just leave the poor woman before you grind her down even more.

Oh and yes- by coming on MN you have invaded her personal,private space where she no doubt felt anonymous and safe.

But why do I get the feeling you are not going to get that. Or indeed any of it. You need to work on your self reflection, mate.

Your latest post demonstrates you've not taken on board what people (including me) have said. If you can't see the issues we've raised you clearly do need counselling. If you can and are just selfish (I suspect this given your responses) then you're a piece of work.

You're now saying you give her a good lifestyle. No she works, pays for the lifestyle!!

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt which is why I spelt things out in my earlier posts. You clearly do not care and I hope your wife dies leave and finds someone that makes her happy.

If you're reading this Mrs, we've spelt things out for him as no doubt you have. He is telling you loud and clear he doesn't care as it's all about him, but will turn things around onto you.

I think this might be the first thread where I agree with every single person who has posted. Please listen OP, although everything you’ve said suggests you struggle to listen to and understand others.

YOU provide for her? I thought she worked, presumably has her own money and contributes to your household. You’re missing the point entirely with your latest response. You need to spend less time being suspicious and more time talking to your wife. She will be really struggling with ttc and whilst you foolishly believe that good sex will mean a baby will miraculously come along (let me tell you, there’s NO correlation) she may well be thinking about coming to terms with a life where it doesn’t happen, especially as you’ve decided IVF is not for you.

Also, if I was working out with a friend or going to a gym class then I’d make sure I was presentable too. Maybe the gym is the only time she feels alive and like a whole person? You certainly won’t be helping her to feel that way.

*hope your wife DOES (not dies) leave!
(Apologies typo!)

You know, I really believe that if people love each other enough to get married, then they ought to work through problems and really try to make it work.

But you are not trying to work it through- your idea of working through a problem is to merely coerce your wife into your point of view.

She's wasting good child-bearing years on you.I feel desperately sad for her.

"There must be more to it .... she is never happier than when she is bouncing out the door to work."

and quelle surprise.

but for quite different reasons than you think.