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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

229 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 20:40

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/01/2018 21:02

OP?

violetvendetta · 10/01/2018 21:02

Personally I dont see a huge concern but I wouldn't be able to completely dismiss your concerns they could be valid. There isnt any advice anyone can give you apart from talking to your wife.

However I do imagine if this exact post was written from a wife about a husband, a lot of p posters responses would be different. I mean can you imagine if a woman wrote about her husband suddenly starting to workout everyday with his female boss.

So I've swapped the shes for hes etc, so if anyone wants they can have a read and see if they would respond differently.

Been with my husband for 10 years married 3. I adore him and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like him, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently his behaviour has changed massively. He changed jobs, to a much more female dominated sector of his industry - works in a female only office, all his clients are women. As soon as he took that role his habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. He does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting his diet, cutting back on booze. Now he works out every day with his boss, who herself is a married woman. He looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my husband can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in his life, my husband hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. He tells me the exercise help him deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe his head has been turned at work (god knows he will turn plenty!)

toopeoply · 10/01/2018 21:03

Perhaps the concentration on your ex, with whom you have a child, the one thing she hasnt had, is whats pushing her away. That would break my heart if I were married to you.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 10/01/2018 21:04

Agree with everyone else.

Especially the not trying IVF bit.

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2018 21:04

Makes no difference for me which way around it is, so no need to swap anything. Plus men don't have IVF.

iamyourequal · 10/01/2018 21:04

OP I'm really sorry you are struggling to conceive but can't help wondering why you have left it so late if you have been together 10 years already. I really hope it works out for you both though. I imagine it's possible your wife thinks getting super fit might increase her fertility and that's why she is doing it.

C0untDucku1a · 10/01/2018 21:05

Sounds like she is significantly healthier.

Id me more worried she decides that not allowing IVF is a deal breaker and ends it for that reason.

Which she of course has every right to do.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2018 21:05

Perhaps the concentration on your ex, with whom you have a child, the one thing she hasnt had, is whats pushing her away. That would break my heart if I were married to you.

So he is to cut off his DC then?

dlnex · 10/01/2018 21:05

OP - if she is shagging the boss, do you want to know? What will you do with that information?

  • what about your friends outside of work/relatives - have they commented?
Your child previous relationship may well respect the fact that you supported his/her Mother, this is relevant to you. Current wife did take you on knowing that this child would need providing for.

Respect the fact that she now wants a child and support her with this or choose not to.

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2018 21:11

Yes OP, I do think you should be concerned because the signs are there.

Sashkin · 10/01/2018 21:13

can't help wondering why you have left it so late if you have been together 10 years already

We have no idea how old the wife is - I was only 19 when I met DH, and would hardly call TTC at 29 “leaving it late”. I realise the OP is probably older than that, but they would easily still be early to mid thirties.

agentdaisy · 10/01/2018 21:14

I agree with pp, your wife sounds unhappy. You have a child, she desperately wants one but needs ivf which you've vitoed due to the stress it puts on a relationship and the cost - yet you're helping you ex by giving her more money.

It sounds like your wife is throwing herself into diet and exercise to try and help her fertility, deal with the stress of failing to conceive, a husband who is overly involved with his ex and is denying her the chance of a child, and the stress of dealing with a challenging child that isn't hers while she's trying to conceive.

I'd suggest you stop worrying about whether she's having an affair and talk to her, and crucially listen to her. Why do you get to veto ivf citing stress and cost yet she has no choice in you financially bailing your ex out of her personal problems, which are nothing to do with you, and having to deal with a challenging child while desperately wanting her own child?

I'd be heartbroken in your wife's place and wondering just how important I am to you.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2018 21:14

You are very focused on your wife's appearance and her cachet as some sort of prize.

You are not very focused on her wellbeing, her potential for happiness or, it appears, your mutual happiness or closeness as a couple.

If you deny her the chance of a child, by refusing IVF, you may well lose her, sooner or later. You may also make her very miserable. Refusal to try seems to me to present a far higher risk for your marriage and of mutual and individual misery than does the stress or financial cost of trying IVF.

If I really, really wanted a baby and my husband had blocked the last chance of my having one with him (not that trying unsuccessfully for one year means you won't yet succeed but, you've already blocked the next step, if natural conception continues not to happen), THAT is when I might start looking around for another option in the form of a more sympathetic and amenable partner.

BewareOfDragons · 10/01/2018 21:15

I agree with the other posters.

Your wife doesn't sound particularly happy with her life, and you appear to be a big part of the reason.

JustHereForThePooStories · 10/01/2018 21:24

You won’t do IVF because you fear it’ll potentially impact your marriage, but can’t see the real impact your involvement with your ex is having?

I’d imagine she’s cheating alright.

princesssparkle1 · 10/01/2018 21:26

@tobeworriedaboutthis

You've stopped your wife having a child and you give extra money to your ex, which money could go towards IVF.

But of course this is ALL about your wife being unfaithful.

Grow a pair you idiot.

Treat your wife better or she WILL leave you. Because you are a putz.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 10/01/2018 21:26

violetvendetta I would say the same to the OP regardless of the sexes, they need to talk to their DW/DH because wanting a child can very much be a deal breaker It seems to me this situation could lead to a break up as the DW does want a child, the OP doesn't. I'm not convinced the OP's reason, of not wanting the stress of IVF to cause a relationship break up, is the real reason for saying no.

Each of them has the right to feel the way they do, but the two sides are incompatible. Either the DW will decide that staying with the OP is more important than a child (but this could eventually lead to resentment from the DW and the pair splitting up long term), or the DW decides her need for a child is more important and ends the relationship.

OP, when you said no to IVF, what discussions did you have with your DW, before coming out with that decision? Did you go to any ivf information meetings to find out what actually happens, to inform your choice? Or did you just say no and expect your DW to be ok with that?

Then on top of that, your DW is dealing with a challenging child who isn't hers, and a DH who is overly concerned with his ex.

MadMags · 10/01/2018 21:29

Reverse?

Or some controlling fucker trying to get MN onside because his wife posts here. Wouldn't be the first time.

If this is genuine, however, I will say that if I was with someone as selfish as you, and as over-involved with your ex, I'd dump you from a great height. Because it sounds like she can do WAY better.

If this is a reverse then you're a twat for not just writing an OP from your own perspective.

violetvendetta · 10/01/2018 21:31

I've just noticed that at the end of the post it says 'would you be worried if your husband acted like this?' Husband not wife. Which suggests this is a wind up, copied from another post with the genders switched but the OPer missed one out.

Original poster
tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 21:32

When I met her I always said I wasn't sure I wanted more kids and especially wasn't interested in IVF. But as the relationship grew, I warmed to the idea. She is a great mum to my child. In my option (and my ex's) We do have a child, mine - he might not be hers by blood but I see him as our child, my ex, mine and my wife. So in some ways I can't see why that isn't enough. I had no choice other that to help my ex out, she was about to be homeless. I don't think that makes me a bad person to help someone out in need. We are in mid 30's/40's. Have waited til now as my wife wanted to be married and I wanted us to be settled and homeowners. (We were working abroad for sometime)

OP posts:
metacrisis · 10/01/2018 21:33

So I've swapped the shes for hes etc, so if anyone wants they can have a read and see if they would respond differently

No, why would we?

MadMags · 10/01/2018 21:33

I've just noticed that at the end of the post it says 'would you be worried if your husband acted like this?' Husband not wife. Which suggests this is a wind up, copied from another post with the genders switched but the OPer missed one out

Ah.

PastaOfMuppets · 10/01/2018 21:35

I want this from DW's perspective, and also want to know if OP only really posted here so DW would find out. Anyone remember the DH who would post after he realised his DW was on MN, and he wanted to effectively EA her via MN? Pressure her into backing down on things?

OP have you posted and run, or are you returning?

Original poster
tobeworriedaboutthis · 10/01/2018 21:35

I ended it "would you be concerned if your husband acted like this" as it's a forum for mums and made the assumption (perhaps wrong) that most posters would have a husband/male partner......

OP posts:
Rainboho · 10/01/2018 21:35

In my option (and my ex's) We do have a child, mine - he might not be hers by blood but I see him as our child, my ex, mine and my wife.

And in your wife’s opinion? Because that description would fuck me right off.

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