To cut off MIL for stealing?

[Beingthere]

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

The stealing is wrong. But if you only see her every six months she’s trying to get to see you. It’s emotional blackmail, but she sounds like she’d like to see more of you. I don’t know the reasons you don’t see her often though.

How odd that family send your gifts to her. Tell them to either send them direct to you or don't get anything as you won't be seeing MIL again.

She's kept a present for a child herself? Seriously?

Absolutely yes. Cut her off, and make sure you make the entire extended family aware of why!

At least your DH is with you on this.

Maybe Disco because she's a lunatic

As you were OP

To add. I’m not criticising how often you see her. Twice a year was too often with my ex in-laws 😂

Did you tell the giver you hadn’t received it? It’s not on, no.

It sounds like she's done you a favour, OP, because now you have a cast iron excuse to have nothing to do with the controlling fucker and you your husband is on board. See! There's always an upside. :-D

As fir the other dicks that pander to her. Stop sending gifts to them and just say they're welcome to collect them ir you can pick yours up while you're visiting them. Though to be fair I just couldn't be arsed sending them anything if they're going to pander to her.

Of course once you stand up to her, you'll get the flying monkeys abd her strange sudden health problems.

Horrible behaviour from a grandparent! And I don’t know why the other family go along with this weird present exchange system

Why would she ask the family not to speak to you? For what purpose?

Aside from that she sounds totally bonkers and I don’t blame you for cutting her off. I would too!

No head space fir crap like this. Go non contact. Email all the family telling them why and any presents you will exchange directly

It's a very strange thing to do and so easy to get caught out. What was she planning to do with the item she took? Was it just noisiness? Control?

She does sound hard work but as the above poster said, you don't see her that often. And you don't give into her orders. Perhaps the family should have their own ring round and then tell her unanimously 'No more orders'

I would also be warning all members of extended family not to send via her anymore because she is a thief, plain and simple. Disgusting behaviour!!

You need to broadcast this to all family and apologise for not sending any potential thank-yous in the past as it appears MIL has been “editing” their gifts and keeping them for themselves. I’d be passive aggressive and add that now you wonder if her gifts were actually from other families and she rewrapped them.

You don’t see her that often.

Well no fuck, when she’s unpleasant and talks shite about other family members.

Sounds like there is more to this than just one instance of gift witholding, especially if DH’s siblings do what she says.

I'm with your DH.

Just tell everyone what she has done. That should sort it.

So she's going to say don't speak to MrBeingThere and all the other BeingTheres - because I say so? And they WILL?

Sounds like you don't have a MIL problem, you have an entire IL family problem.

I'm very curious about what the "unsuitable" gift was and why it was unsuitable. Was it a noisemaker she was trying to keep away so you wouldn't be driven crazy by it? Or is she rigid about gender roles and won't let a little boy have a cooking set? Or does she have a moral objection to some popular children's television programming and quietly got rid of something with Peppa Pig?

TBH my reaction does depend in part on whether it at least seems like she had his or your best interest at heart, or whether it was due to some kind of bizarre social rigidity on her part.

I’d be very tempted to write to all the family members again, and ask them not to send gifts via your MIL, and tell them exactly why!

Welcome to Mumsnet BeingThere. I am sorry that you are having problems with your MIL.....

Am I alone in feeling a bit sorry for an older lady who has to resort to practically blackmail to induce her family to see her?

Wow, some things beggar belief !
If you do want to cut contact, this is your opportunity, do explain why, to friends and family though.