To cut off MIL for stealing?

[Beingthere]

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

I completely agree with muffyduster, we are not talking about gifts being withheld until they visited, yes this has as OP mentioned happened in the past. OP's MIL has opened a present that she knew was meant for her grandson, then she chose to REMOVE A GIFT AND KEEP IT FOR HERSELF!!!! MIL even stated that she felt she was perfectly entitled to do so, as the gift came from her family member!! This sounds like a beautiful, personalised gift that would have cost the giftee a good deal of money as well as having great sentimental value. What's more, they obviously were looking forward to the op opening it!

I would be asking other people what they had sent for your family op, your MIL sounds like an entitled narcissist who believes that anything that belongs to her family members, is her possession by extension! As someone who has gone NC with her narcissistic, sociopathic outlaws, I can thoroughly recommend it! The last six/ seven years of our marriage have been so peaceful! No arguments, no nasty comments, no narcissistic rages, no parental alienation, we have had other issues but they have been easier to deal with because we are free of the toxic influence of his parents. We are so much stronger and happier as a family! My dh says he could never go back to how it was before! Can you imagine if Adolf Hitler had a son and daughter in law who wanted to go no contact because Adolf kept stealing the history books that were gifts meant for his grandchild? Not to mention he arrested dil's best friends family and put them in a concentration camp because they were jewish. Would anyone say what a poor old man he was, and that it was cruel how little his son and dil visited? Or would they say 'Run like the wind, that man is a dangerous, deranged, narcissistic sociopath!'? Being older doesn't necessarily make you a good person! No OP's MIL is not Adolf Hitler (although it sounds like she would make a great Gestapo officer just like my MIL) but like Adolf, she is a self-entitled narcissistic sociopath, who believes she has the right to control her children, their spouses and her grandchildren!

There are many lovely people who for no fault of their own, end up alone in their old age. Op's MIL is not one of them, if she is alone it is through her own doing! She could easily choose to be kinder, she could try not to alienate the wives/ husbands of her grandchildren, via whispering poison into the ears of her grandchildren! She could pass gifts onto the op as soon as she can, she could not steal from her own grandchildren!

You are right of course TractorTedTed that is perfectly sensible - I think I got so carried away with the cheek of the MIL stealing the child's present that I couldn't think straight !

Zaphodsotherhead

Sounds like you don't have a MIL problem, you have an entire IL family problem.

Why are people so keen to excuse poor abusive behaviour?

Boney - I'm not excusing it. OP doesn't JUST have a MIL problem, the rest of the IL family are also a problem for going along with MIL in the 'send everything to me' way. If they ALL stood up and said 'no, it's fucking ridiculous sending it all to you, we're going to send presents direct', then MIL wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

This is nothing to do with her wanting to see you, and everything to do with control: she wants to have the upper hand over you and the others, and is doing what she can to make this happen. She's manipulating you all and yes, I think that this incident - and you suspect it's happened before, coupled with the bitching about partners, would be enough for me to take action. What sort of woman steals her own DGC's presents? I wouldn't want her around my children. Just tell the senders of the gifts what she has done and let them make up their own minds - they may be more timid and prone to go along with her wishes, just accept it if that happens. I'm sure you will be happier all round and it's great that your DH is on board.

I think that when you email everyone, you say exactly why you have made this decision - that she has stolen a gift meant for ds. I hope that lends weight to your request that contact happens directly rather than indirectly.

Do you call any of them directly? Certainly time to start if you don’t, just ring for a chat every so often, catch up on news etc. If you do it to them then there’s more chance of them dealing dirrect with you. Are they likely to hang up on you if you ring? Or sputter “oh no, mil says I mustn’t talk to you -aaargh!”?

Zaphodsotherhead

The ILs will have been trained (call it what you like) by the MiL to act in a certain way and to do certain things.
In later life (after however many years) it has become ingrained in them to 'just do it, whether for an 'easy life', or because 'its what she is like'.

Breaking those bonds is not and is never going to be easy. To say that its an "IL problem" or a "DH problem" excuses the behaviour of the person and absolves them of responsibility for it and also seems to ignore the years of control that that person has been able to have over the DH and his siblings.
It also trivialises the amount of emotional effort that is required to be able to see what has gone on and the effort required to break free.

Thedevel, it hadn’t occurred to me that she wouldn’t have even known about the present if she hadn’t opened the parcel. You’re right.

I have thought over the years that she may have opened stuff. Once a gift to me had torn wrapping but you never know whether that was the giver opening it again for some reason, and another time we had sent a gift to DH’s brother (who had taken it to Ls to open on Christmas Day because he toes the party line) and MIL knew what it was even though I didn’t remember telling her.

You know, I am pleased this has happened. I always hated the emotional blackmail surrounding Christmas and birthday presents, I don’t have to put up with that any more. It sucked the fun out of everything.

bah excuse the typo it should say alienating the spouses of her children not grandchildren!

I am so glad for you OP, that you have your dh onside here! So many spouses end up posting on here, despairing of the awful and nasty behaviours of their in-laws. Yet their spouses are not prepared/ too scared to confront their narcissist parent! I personally would thank my lucky stars that my dh had recognised just how awful his Mother has been behaving! Have a look at the books Toxic Parents and Toxic inlaws by Susan Forward, read them together, I swear it will be illuminating!

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=toxic+parents&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1515275478&sr=8-1

It might be useful to ask for an admin to move your thread to the relationships board! Have a look at the Stately Homes thread in the Relationships board, it will be cathartic for both you and your DH!

Oh and if I forgot to say before YADNBU

Home and on laptop now.

Jux

No DH rarely calls anyone in his family directly and vice versa. All messages seem to go through MIL. She sometimes gets one of his siblings to ring him when they are at her house, when presumably she is listening in. They are totally "enmeshed".

You know, fuck it, don't care if I'm outed. The gift is a cross-stich picture for DS's bedroom. It has his name and birthdate embroidered on it. Apparently it was meant for when he was born but it didn't get finished so sender sent it for Christmas instead.

How is that "unsuitable"? OK, it's not a toy (sender sent toy and book also) but it was made for my son. How dare she. She just wanted it for herself.

She must have known we would find out though? Why didn't she realise she would be found out? I don't get it. She either doesn't care, thinks she's in the right, or thought the sender would never contact us or something.

CaledonianQueen

Thanks for the link and information. Re DH being on board. He's never got on with his parents that well. I didn't meet them for a long time because he never saw that much of them or his siblings. His brother has even been to our city and not called in. I don't think any one of them has a relationship independent of MIL. I'm very close to my sister so find this bizarre.

Wow - she's an extra super entitled thundercunt for taking that!

Yes she is.

Having a soothing gin now!

Would bet she tells visitors she made it for ds too!!
Op you need a voodoo doll and pins.

Ugh that's so much worse now you've told us what it was

It's a "precious moment" present, meant for you to enjoy with ds in your home. She wants it for herself. Enough said.

I would assume that she opened all of your previous gifts, had a nosey and pilfered what she liked.

As you said, she’s entitled and controlling. I can’t believe that no one else that married into the family/other family members themselves haven’t noticed how strange this is - most families don’t have a ‘hub’ for gifts. What’s the point when the recipient will only receive it 6 months later?

I offer you and your DH my hearty congratulations on your freedom. Enjoy it.

As other posters have suggested, it might be an idea for you both to have a browse through the stately homes threads.

MIL does sound like a controlling pain. You sound like you have been almost hoping for this moment to piously cut off all contact and this has given you the perfect excuse. Why is it a bad idea for MIL to offer to hold the Christmas presents for everyone when most of them are joining her on Christmas Day.

She does sound unhinged somewhat, but she’s the only mother your husband has- you don’t come across as the caring or understanding or supportive of her, so obviously much bigger issues going on. Good luck

I would assume that she opened all of your previous gifts, had a nosey and pilfered what she liked

This. Clearly this isn't the first time. It's also the reason she wants gifts to come via her. She's been opening them, maybe substituting cheaper items or stealing others. There is no way she only opened his gift. She's opened them all.

Is she in any way senile? I just cannot imagine or fathom how anyone could justify in their own mind stealing a xmas gift from their own grandchild. Particularly a gift like this.

Honestly, I'd write a frank email about what's surfaced and say to everyone thanks for past presents that may never have reached us. We'll be communicating directly with you all from now onwards as through MIL isn't working and we're going NC with her for a while as we're so hurt and appalled by her actions
Or something similar - she's a monster !

Wow! What a grasping bitch! This most definitely will not have been the first time - I wonder what else she has kept over the years!

And send a version of flumpy's email

All these posters with a Red Riding Hood picture of a granny, a sweet white-haired old lady with wrinkled apple cheeks who lives all alone in the woods until her GD comes by with a basket, and you'd all be sorry if she was eaten by a wolf. She could be in her 30s and still legally be a grandmother. I'm a grandmother twice over and counting and I'm a fully (well, reasonably) functioning employee and householder in my 50s. My offspring contact each other because they want to. I wasn't the world's best mother but could have been a lot worse; they seem to be still fond of me, bless 'em. I'm honest to a fault and they know if I say I'll pass something on, parcel or message, I'll jolly well do it (unless I forget - I do have a memory the average goldfish would pity). As a result I stand in very little danger of being cut off by my DC in later years. If I suddenly start lying, stealing or bad-mouthing they'll know it's because I'm not well. I haven't been treating them like my personal possessions from birth onwards.

My DP had a 'friend/Neighbour' like this.

She was nice as pie if you were in her 'good books' but once she fell out with DP (over something fabricated, she had completely made up) and she told her entire (large, Irish) family not to talk to him. He was devastated at the time, he had helped her and her dc in numerous, expensive and time-consuming ways, had thought of her siblings as being 'family' to him. But every single one of them stopped talking to him. He'd bump into them in the pub or on the street and they would literally say 'can't talk to you, she'll find out'.

She had her entire family in fear of her. We cut her out. She stalked us for a while and then got bored.

Nasty, bullying bitch. She even threatened my kids (over something she'd made up that DP had done!) Her kids have left home now and got away - far away. TG.

I think I would make one last visit, and take the christmas present home with me and then never see or speak to her again.