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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 12/02/2018 00:37

@Panandthegang

I am on a half dozen other boards and I assure you, this is a very sad but common scenario

((((Hugs))) OP

[if you want them, ignore If you dont]

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/02/2018 07:39

I’ve been following this thread and it’s astounding that they’ve pulled the “concern” card. I’d expect them to push it further if this doesn’t get a reaction they want

ememem84 · 12/02/2018 07:56

Watch out for the sudden serious illness scare. That happened to dh. Mil moved away then went unhinged towards me. Then had “serious Illness scare” she wanted dh to fly out to be with her (she’s in nz). Dh heard about serious illness scare from an aunt who lives here. Dh called Bil and asked what was going on, was it that serious he needed to come out etc. Bil had no idea what he was talking about.

muffyduffster · 12/02/2018 08:36

Wow 😮 what a waste of police time!

Bekabeech · 12/02/2018 08:55

Okay my two tips which I haven't seen recommended are to read "Toxic In Laws" and maybe "Toxic Parents" for your DH, the later might help him come out of the FOG a bit. He has done so well, but it would be good for him to know he is not alone and be prepared for their actions.

GnotherGnu · 12/02/2018 09:00

If they "don't know what they've done", has your DH spelt it out to them, at least once?

ememem84 · 12/02/2018 09:12

I am only joking with this suggestion as it’d probably make things worse but I’ve always wished I did it with mil.

Send them a copy of toxic parents/in laws.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 12/02/2018 09:16

They don't like being stood up to and are resorting to ever more desperate measures to reel you back in.

What's DH's reaction to their latest stunt?

emmyrose2000 · 12/02/2018 09:19

Bloody hell, these people are seriously unhinged! This would cement the deal for me and they'd be completely dead to me from hereonin.

When you told the police that MIL was a thief, was that a general one off comment, or did you detail what she'd done over the years?

UnmitigatedBollocks · 12/02/2018 09:27

Omg the woman is bonkers!

Original poster
Beingthere · 12/02/2018 12:28

Thank you to everyone and thanks for the hugs Mad Hugger!.

Sashkin MIL has said a couple have split up when they haven't also. I learned that when she said "No need to send SIL a birthday card, she left BIL" to take no notice. It was always to do with gifts and cards. A way to control who got what from us I suppose.

Bekabeech I have already ordered the ILs one, thank you. I'm doing a lot of reading these days. I don't know if DH will read, he seems to be sorted but whether he is burying it all, who knows. He is very pragmatic compared to me. Catkins0877 I googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder last night and read for ages. MIL does lack empathy, in fact she enjoys it when other people are going through a hard time and she is envious of others. Of everybody! But I don't think she has "grandiose" feelings. Except of course she thinks she is allowed to open other people's presents and steal them, if that counts.

GnotherGnu Yes, he told MIL when we first found out she had taken the cross stitch but she doesn't seem to think that it was wrong.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt I think he was done with them anyway, now he's doubly done.

emmyrose2000 Just a one off comment. DH said that he was estranged from his parents and I blurted out "Because she's a thief! She stole from us!" Blush They didn't comment and didn't seem interested though. May be because it was DH they had come to talk to not me. I was just interrupting!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2018 16:11

On the plus side at least the police know she’s batshit now, so if she tries this again they might tell her off for wasting their time

MadRainbow · 12/02/2018 17:31

OP "grandoise" can mean anything from bragging you have a doctor or something in the family to believing you're akin to a mafia boss; the latter sounds awfully like how your MIL feels from your posts...

Sadly no advice though you have plenty from PP, just a handhold

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/02/2018 12:51

DH's birthday today and no cards from anyone in his family. Not one. I thought MIL might still send something as her and FIL have been harassing him by text and email.

Oh well. We know where we stand.

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 15/02/2018 13:08

That's so sad for your DH.
It's baffling that they've all sided with her.

TheMamaYo · 15/02/2018 13:30

Oh wow, that's a bit cold, isn't it? I feel sad for your husband, but longer term probably easier than to deal with their crap continuously.

Hortonlovesahoo · 15/02/2018 13:31

It’s a real shame that this is how they behave. Maybe they were using his birthday and potential cards as leverage to get him to talk to them?

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/02/2018 13:36

I don't know what she has told people Treaclepie.

I don't think it would take much for DH's brother and sisters to turn against him. MIL has been playing them all off against each other all their lives. "Divide and conquer" my mum says.

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/02/2018 13:37

Such a shame that the rest of the family are so under her thumb.

Happy Birthday to your husband.

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/02/2018 13:38

I'm surprised that the cross stitch relative didn't send anything though. She must have been warned off also.

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 15/02/2018 13:40

Happy birthday to your dh. He has the family that matters you and ds

QueenDaisy · 15/02/2018 13:40

That’s really horrid & nasty 😞

Happy Birthday to your husband 🙂

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/02/2018 13:40

Oh I'm so stupid. I wonder if she told them to give cards to her and she'd send them?

It's so messed up. Of well, if they want to do her bidding there is nothing we can do about it. I'm not ringing peoplr up to ask, begging for cards for him. These are adults, they should be out from under the thumb by now.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/02/2018 13:46

Contact your cross stitch relly? contact the non-bil-leaving sil

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/02/2018 14:13

You know Hissy, it' not my fight and I can't be bothered with it any more. DH emailed them all last month so they have two conflicting stories. They have chosen who to believe.

OP posts: