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Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 06/01/2018 19:38

You are explaining yourself perfectly well OP. Some people seem to have difficulty understanding things that are perfectly clear. I would go with 'MIL has unfortunately been opening and stealing presents you have been leaving with her for our family. If you would like to give gifts to us in future, please send to: address'. What a cow.

Original poster
Beingthere · 06/01/2018 19:46

Thanks everybody. I am so pleased DH asked MIL to send the item also. Whether she does or not is another matter.

OP posts:
harrietsoton · 06/01/2018 19:49

So weird, I would let DH directly deal with this before she starts ringing around the family and telling them how rude and evil YOU are for daring to bring this up

He needs to tell her that she’s overbearing and controlling and he’s stepping back as this relationship isn’t healthy. As far as presents, as the rest of his family agree with this ‘tradition’ I would be prepared to forgo future presents

Original poster
Beingthere · 06/01/2018 19:55

Still catching up with posts. Yes, told the sender we didn’t receive it and DH immediately rang MIL in case it had fallen out of the parcel (though gifts from this person were all in box together so it couldn’t have really). MIL doesn’t seem to think what she has done is wrong, readily admitted she opened and took it. She says it was from her relative said that meant it was ok. But as I told DH afterwards, it’s HIS relative also!

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 06/01/2018 20:00

Today

No you are not alone feeling sorry for the older lady. How desperate must she be to resort to holding onto gifts just to see her family.

Now she will be cut off

Tragic

gamerchick · 06/01/2018 20:03

Yanno there’s usually a reason when a persons family doesn’t want to see them or visit often. Like they’re not very nice people for eg.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 06/01/2018 20:05

I genuinely feel like someone people are reading a different OP.

She's an absolute nutter and a nasty one at that to steal from her own grandchild.

Fairenuff · 06/01/2018 20:09

We asked before, when the Christmas presents were kept for six months, that they deal directly to us not through MIL, to no avail.

So just don't collect them then. When they ask why, remind them that you said to send direct or not at all.

Greensleeves · 06/01/2018 20:12

This doesn't sound to me like a poor old dear hanging onto presents in the hope of tempting her callous family into coming to fetch them

She sounds more like a puppeteering, triangulating cowbag who stole a gift belonging to somebody else because she didn't think it was right for them for some reason known only to herself.

muffyduffster · 06/01/2018 20:12

@user1474652148 she wasn't holding it hostage was she? Just nicked it!

HonkyWonkWoman · 06/01/2018 20:20

Tell all Dh family what Mil has done and that if they want to give presents in future could they send them or give them direct to you, as you won't be collecting any from Mil any more.
She sounds like a nasty, controlling person to me. I can't understand why the rest of the family pander to her. Is she very rich or something and they're worried about their inheritance?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 06/01/2018 20:24

who stole a gift belonging to somebody else because she didn't think it was right for them

And which she would never even have known about if she hadn't been enough of a CF to be opening presents meant for other people.

Enough's enough OP - I'm glad your DH is on side.

She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children

when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever

Nope, no sympathy from me for the old bat.

Ellendegeneres · 06/01/2018 20:26

User how are you feeling sorry feeling sorry for the mil? She’s a thief. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be cut off (yet at least).
Jesus I get that mils are sometimes piled on online, but fgs based on what op has said I’m not surprised she’s cutting her off. She stole from her grandchild- not put it aside for safekeeping, not protecting child, opened someone else’s parcel, decided because she doesn’t approve and it’s a gift from ‘her’ relative, grandchild doesn’t get gift. That’s theft.

Ellendegeneres · 06/01/2018 20:29

I mean fucking hell, do people read these posts and think just because it’s a mil they must have a reason or acting like an absolute twunt? And it must be the fault of the inlaw?? Give me a break 🙄🙄

Original poster
Beingthere · 06/01/2018 20:31

Not rich, she just has a hold on everyone. I don’t understand it either. She is mean when she’s against you though, so maybe people are scared. She has been cut off by others family members also.

I do not care one jot what she tells people about me. It would be a shame if DH’s siblings cut him off but there is nothing we can do about that.

I hadn’t even thought about presents to the family from now on. Dh’s birthday is early in the year so I suppose we just see if anyone contacts him.

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 06/01/2018 20:38

Touchmybum the MIL regularly says negatives things about OP to her DH in front of the children. I would not put up with this from my parents not that they would be so rude or unpleasant. No wonder they don’t want to spend much time with her.

KingsX · 06/01/2018 20:39

So many lucky people on this post to not know what it is to have someone toxic in their life.

OP, I don't dance to anyone's tune so I'd have not put up with her crap from the start - you are a saint to have lasted so long! Glad DH is on board - do let it all come from him, or you will be painted negatively.

What was the gift?!

KurriKurri · 06/01/2018 20:40

I can't get my head round the fact that everyone has fallen in line with this 'give all the presents to me and I'll distribute them' nonsense. It is complete madness - why haven't people just said 'no that's ludicrous' ?
If everyone just said no to the craziness, it would stop.

TractorTedTed · 06/01/2018 20:48

Kurri I don't think it's that ludicrous though. Obviously it hasn't worked in this case, but some of dh's family send mil the presents for the whole family (live far away) and then she gives them to us (we live near mil). I assume it's to save on postage.

If everyone behaves like normal, reasonable adults, then it works fine! Obviously in the op's case, the family assume that mil will behave sensibly, and she doesn't.

Cbaanymore123 · 06/01/2018 20:49

Why do they send gifts to her ? Confused.

Also nbu to cut her out.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2018 20:50

@Beingthere
Your MIL is a CFMIL. I don't feel sorry for her. She has created the situation from withholding gifts to stealing them. Think cause and effect! And she just repeats the cycle and expects a different outcome.

YANBU to go NC and your DH supports you. Win/Win

If you've not experienced a toxic relative my post may seem unsympathetic. Please remember that repeated toxic behaviour is damaging and unacceptable especially from a family member.

Gizmo79 · 06/01/2018 20:51

Wow, what a horrible toxic woman.
All stay way, not just you op, encourage the whole family to take a step back.

GrooovyLass · 06/01/2018 20:54

I just don't understand why people operate like this, where the fun is in trying to control everyone like a puppeteer. At least your DH is on his family's side which seems to be against the grain on MN!

Original poster
Beingthere · 06/01/2018 20:57

I think MIL’s line was that she was sending a parcel, so everyone had to give stuff to her and she would send them all together. But then sometimes she didn’t.

She said the same to us about sending stuff to her and she would distribute amongst the family because they all go to her for Christmas Day, they have to, it’s where their presents are! But we never did it, always sent straight to the receipients.

When DS was born she kept baby clothes from someone, given to her to give to us, for months. We knew she had them, she told me, she even rang and said that they wouldn’t fit by the time we got them. I remember thinking “so why don’t you send them then!”

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/01/2018 20:59

Ive no advice, but stealing a child's, your own grandchild's at that, Xmas present is beyond appalling and morally corrupt.

I'd let everyone know she did it, it was the last straw, and you will no longer be in touch with her but would love to stay in touch with them.