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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
ptumbi · 07/01/2018 10:49

NC is the way to go, OP.

If she is 'desperate' to see more of you and dc, she needs to stop being a controlling and manipulative cow.

Original poster
Beingthere · 07/01/2018 11:09

Thank you everyone for being there (deliberate pun!) for me last night. I cannot remember when I have been so angry.

teal125

I don't think it's a matter of they are going to be there on Christmas Day so she holds the presents, I think it is a case of she tells everyone to send the presents to her so she can force people to visit. The family seems to be hung up on presents but they are only things, not worth the angst!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingthere · 07/01/2018 12:12

DH has spent the morning emailing people. No one should have to do this, especially about their mother. No one has replied though.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 07/01/2018 12:14

why don't you just email/tell everyone one last time to send gifts to you directly as mil not only opens them all but also steals them?

Honestly, if people can't be arsed sending them to you directly i'd tell them not to bother getting/sending them in the first place!

Hadjab · 07/01/2018 12:15

Following, as I'm interested to know what the outcome of the emails will be....

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/01/2018 12:19

it's not just about 'forcing' visits - it's quite simply a control thing.
She wants to control everybody's relationship with each other and remain the main only connecting link.

If everything and everyone goes through her then she can control the relationship dynamics between all of you.
Stealing the cross-stitch was her way of trying to sabotage the good relationship you have with the sender and ensuring you don't get the 'best' by any means possible.

She is one nasty, unhinged fuckwit!

fellipejuan · 07/01/2018 12:35

Freaky woman. At least DH and you are singing from the same hymn sheet on this.

Original poster
Beingthere · 07/01/2018 13:54

HeebieJeebies456

"Stealing the cross-stitch was her way of trying to sabotage the good relationship you have with the sender and ensuring you don't get the 'best' by any means possible."

Yes I think you are right. The same as with the withheld baby clothes.

How odd I can see things a lot clearer now. It is as if I was in a fog of not understanding. I was really sucked in, doh!

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 07/01/2018 14:00

Sorry you're going through this op Flowers

But I am so glad your DH sees this all clearly and is taking steps to break away. It all sounds so unhealthy and insane.

Wishing you an awesome stress free Christmas next year

SavvyFishFinger · 07/01/2018 14:10

Your MIL is toxic and is already infecting the wider family, conditioning people. Your DH is brilliant for recognising this and cutting the poison out. You should be totally open and forthright with family and mutual friends on this issue and hold nothing back. Let them decide whether they wish to be under her thumb for the rest of her life (and probably their lives) or whether they have the balls to make their own decision to put a stop to this nonsense. Otherwise it will continue to pass down the chains which are in urgent need of being broken. Your MIL is a passive aggressive bully and like most bullies when you stand up to them their ways become defeated.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2018 14:49

Is the gift-giver going to confront your MiL?

mineallmine · 07/01/2018 15:07

This is horrible. I'd love a present like that, sounds like something to be cherished. How can she claim it isn't suitable? I'd be so pissed off if I was the maker of that cross stitch that your MIL intercepted it. I hope she also challenges your MIL.

Original poster
Beingthere · 07/01/2018 15:08

Nanny0gg

I don't know. DH told her that MIL had taken it out of the parcel and that he has asked her to send it. This is a female relative who is MIL's age. I can't believe they haven't got an inkling of what she is like as they would have known her all her life.

One big thing though is she did ring in the first place (which is how all this started) and didn't go through MIL. That is rare with DH's relatives.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 07/01/2018 15:10

It must make you wonder how much other stuff she's taken over the years, can't believe any normal person would do that their family.

Original poster
Beingthere · 07/01/2018 15:12

Having said that above, I actually have no idea whether the gift-giver rang MIL first and asked if we liked the cross-stitch. It's so confusing with the ILs, no one talks to each other directly.

OP posts:
nonamesleftatall · 07/01/2018 18:47

She sounds a bit batty but I don't think, being honest you sound that nice either. Maybe go and visit her and involve her and she may calm down. My relationship with my Mothe this unconditional and I would never cut her out regardless of behaviour (which is very challenging). I would certainly never want to cut my MIL out regardless of what she may or may not do as she is my husbands Mum.

SpyWhoDippedMe · 07/01/2018 19:08

^My husband wouldn't have anyone so horrible in our lives.
This isn't 'batty' behavior, is downright nastiness.

whatwedointheshadows · 07/01/2018 21:16

Wow, what a nasty, nasty piece of work she is. I don't think I would want my children around someone like that in any case, so cutting off contact is probably for the best.
I can't believe that some people feel sorry for her.

caringcarer · 07/01/2018 21:18

Some people are just toxic. My x mil was just like this on ds 2nd birthday she sent dd 4 gifts and nothing for ds as he was only a boy. She was very good at knitting and knit loads of things for dd but only one thing when ds was born. I asked her why. She told me she liked knitting in pink. Toxic. I told her no more presents for either children and when she kept sending dd stuff my x cut her off. My new mil is lovely and normal and both children love her. Stick tough and don't let her get away with toxic behavior.

witherwings · 07/01/2018 21:36

OMG, that’s terrible behaviour from your MIL.
I would be tempted to get charity shop tat or totally inappropriate gifts for family to send via MIL as an experiment to see if the items are mentioned.

Mum4Blake · 07/01/2018 21:47

My Auntie told me when I was still in primary school that my parents and grandparents didn’t love me because they didn’t take me on holiday with them (the grandparents on the other side of the family took me - this was because they really wanted too - no reflection on my parents or grandparents). I told no one else, and believed her until I left school. I only told my parents about the “conversation” when I was in my early twenties. It clouded my judgement for a lot of my years, and never was I able to get my time back with the grandparents she dissed.
Your MIL needs cutting out of your child’s life if she is nasty and controlling. Don’t let her do the damage my “nice, kind” aunt did!

anon · 07/01/2018 22:37

I would research 'adult children of parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder' and then take my little family and run as far as possible giving your DP lots of hugs as you go. We ended up moving house to escape the clutches of a mother with NPD and a suckered in sibling. Don't expect the other siblings to escape - they have been severely manipulated for years. They might discover themselves and you'll have a whole new relationship with them but she will manipulate anything you say to them as being something wrong with you, good luck! xx

MamaBishop89 · 07/01/2018 23:03

That’s absolutely disgusting behaviour. Much less for a grandparent.

Honestly if you feel your children would be much better off not seeing her than that’s what you should do.
We have issues in our families as well, the way I deal with things is that I ask myself what is best for my children I’ll put up with quite a lot of it benefits them. but the second there’s a negative situation my children are removed.
And that’s really the long and short of it.
Good luck there’s always backlash but keep in mind that your doing what’s best for your children. And that’s all that really matters

PieAndPumpkins · 07/01/2018 23:04

Oh wow yeah she sounds bonkers. Controlling and manipulative old witch. I'm glad you're free, it sure sounds like it will be best for you, DH and your child. Best of luck with the rest of the family, i'm pretty black and white when it comes to family - if they're worth it, they'll step up. If not, oh well. Onward and upward.

Blueink · 07/01/2018 23:48

Its not unreasonable you are upset in this moment, but it’s a bit dramatic to cut her off and divide the family. You have barely any contact anyway. It’s an odd behaviour by her but I think you & some posters (comparing her to Hitler?!) are massively over reacting. Just seems like a convenient excuse because you want nothing to do with her anyway and now you’re seeking approval here. Get some perspective & stop creating unnecessary drama, it’s not worth destroying what family there is over this pettiness. Imagine telling your kids this is the reason they don’t see Grandma in 10 years time?! She is probably a deeply unhappy, possibly unwell, woman. You can be the bigger person and be compassionate and measured in how you address the situation.