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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
user1485778793 · 08/01/2018 01:34

My MIL is also a gatekeeper. She holds onto cards, gifts and her eldest son's yearly holiday allowance which she books up with family holidays well in advance Grin

The daft bil has to spend 2 weeks on a boat with his mother because he can't grow a pair and say no!

These people are best kept at a distance. Chance are they are so used to doing it it will carry on unless you tell them clearly why they shouldn't go through her.

HuskyMcClusky · 08/01/2018 01:59

I completely agree with Blueink.

But people on mumsnet love ‘going NC’ with ‘toxic’ mothers-in-law, so...enjoy, I guess.

HuskyMcClusky · 08/01/2018 02:06

How did your MIL know what was in the cross-stitch package, anyway? Are you saying she unwraps all the presents and rewraps them?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/01/2018 02:27

Well the cross stitch thing is weird but ‘holding presents hostage’ sounds like family dropped them off with MIL then you didn’t visit to collect them for 6 months.
If the rest of the family are siding with MIL I suspect there’s more to this story.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/01/2018 10:51

Odd behaviour.
You can't force relatives to send gifts direct but you can tell them to look out for your thank you notes and that you will include the date and items received in each note. If they don't get a note it is a sign you have not received the gift.

differentnameforthis · 08/01/2018 11:34

But if you only see her every six months she’s trying to get to see you No she isn't....it's classic controlling behaviour.

bossyrossy · 08/01/2018 14:10

Do you think the rest of the family do as they’re told by MIL because they are worried they may be cut out of her will if they do not?

Spoog1971xx · 08/01/2018 15:06

She is clearly a narcissist and adept at triangulation. I suspect she's a nightmare and DH is damaged by her. It might be worth him reading up on narcissistic mothers. I'd cut her off

Original poster
Beingthere · 08/01/2018 18:13

HuskyMcClusky I have no idea if MIL knew about the cross-stitch. Didn't think to ask. It doesn't matter anyway does it? She still took it.

CorbynsBumFlannel These presents weren't "dropped off", they were posted to MIL. It's not as silly as it sounds because the sender was sending presents to all MIL's adult children and grandchildren and some of them live near her (we live the other end of the country) so MIL says send them all to her and she will distribute. But then she doesn't.

bossyrossy Maybe, I don't know. I don't think there will be much of an estate though.

Anyway, the big news is that FIL has emailed DH and told him to apologise to MIL "or else". We don't know what the threat means. DH has ignored.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 08/01/2018 18:23

She sounds like a massive weight you would do very well to be the lighter of. I feel relieved for you already for your escape!

Thank goodness DH isn’t in the FOG

AnotherShirtRuined · 08/01/2018 18:23

So in effect your DH has to apologise to his mother for her theft?

rainbowduck · 08/01/2018 18:47

I'd be tempted to see what 'or else' entails...

RainbowWish · 08/01/2018 18:48

I can't believe DH has to apologise Shock
Tell him to reply
"DM I am very sorry I am hurt and angry at the fact you stole a thoughtful gift intended for my child. "

GreenTulips · 08/01/2018 18:48

it’s not worth destroying what family there is over this pettiness

I hate this type of advise! MIL didn't mind her actions causing upset did she? She chose to take the gift meant for a grandchild a hand maser personal to him gift!

It really is a control thing and there appears to be more issues than this one alone

She's going to end up sad and lonely because of her actions and no one else's

Mountainpika · 08/01/2018 18:53

When we visited my brother in the autumn he gave me presents for our grandchildren to save postage as we'd be going to see them over Christmas. As it happened I had to send something to Grandaughter before Christmas so included my brother's presents.

It would never have occurred to me to open them let alone keep them.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/01/2018 18:54

So you want MIL to go round taking everyone's presents individually rather than people just collecting them when they are there anyway? The other relatives clearly find it easier to send everything to MIL since they are still doing that after you requested they don't. The fact she had them for 6 months was due to you waiting for them to be brought to you rather than getting them yourself. Was there no point during that 6 months you could have popped round to pick them up?
Twisting this to be 100% your mils fault makes me wonder about the other stuff.
Obviously taking the cross stitch was not right but worth binning your dh's mother over????

PickAChew · 08/01/2018 19:06

Imagine telling your kids this is the reason they don’t see Grandma in 10 years time?!

She was nasty to their dad, all the time, and stole their presents. Any reasonable grown up grandchild would be understanding of their lack of contact, I think. I didn't blame my mum when my one and only contact with her dad, as a baby too young to remember, resulted in him yelling at her to get that thing away from him. She'd already left home as soon as she was legally old enough to get away from the curmudgeonly arsehole.

But some people here seem to think that a child should have contact with a grandparent at all costs.

Original poster
Beingthere · 08/01/2018 19:07

CorbynsBumFlannel I couldn't care less what MIL does with other people's gifts, I just don't want her to steal my child's. Our home and MIL and FIL's home are separated by hundreds of miles. I'd hardly call that "popping round" Grin but even if we were next door, if my darling DH didn't want to go, I would stick by him.

OP posts:
anxious21 · 08/01/2018 19:14

I would also tell people, that you'll be swapping presents in person now. If gifts are sent to MIL, you won't be accepting them, and will know not to exchange gifts the next year.

MsJolly · 08/01/2018 19:33

Wonder what the or else means! I would call their bluff on that one! Why should your DH apologise for her stealing his sons gift?!!

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 08/01/2018 20:07

Or else fil is going to stick by mil and her thieving ways, by the sounds of it - I would be leaving them to it. Not the sort of relatives a family needs are they?

HonkyWonkWoman · 08/01/2018 20:07

Beingthere. Your Dh has emailed all the relatives regarding what has happened so the ball in firmly in their court now.
Ignore the idiotic Fil threats, he sounds as crazy as her.
You don't ever have to see this toxic pair ever again.

StopCallingMeShirley · 08/01/2018 20:48

I'm sorry that your wife has no boundaries.
I'm sorry that my mother thought it was ok to steal from her own grandson.
I'm sorry that her actions are going to deprive her grandson of a relationship with his grandmother.
I'm sorry that she does not recognise that she has brought this on herself.

I am not sorry that she finally got found out and called out on her behaviour.
I am not sorry that my loyalties are to my wife and child.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/01/2018 21:26

Well that's entirely up to you if you didn't want to visit for 6 months but you can't then hold your MIL100% responsible for you not getting your gifts for a long time when you could have got them earlier. It may not be a case of popping round but I'm sure you could have picked them up in 6 months had you wanted to.

mumpoints · 08/01/2018 21:35

Why on earth should the OP have to travel the other end of the country to pick up gifts from someone who has sent them ridiculously to the other end of the country because some old bat has told them that she would deliver them?!

The MIL is a liar. She had no intention of delivering them. She wanted to see what was in them and steal them because she is an entitled, controlling, nosy, thief.