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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/12/2017 21:12

In my life - I stopped being friends with him.

In your life - unless she sees his bank statements and payslips - how would she know? And even if she does - you look at statements thinking “what is there that shouldn’t be there” not “what isn’t there that should be”? He has probably told her that he pays you loads of maintenance.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:15

So, if you did ‘t Know and later found out, what would happen? Is it betrayal enough to end the relationship?

OP posts:
Solasum · 09/12/2017 21:15

I find it completely baffling. Also about seeing children.

My ex had a girlfriend briefly who seemingly found him seeing our infant son only once every three weeks acceptable. Likewise I have come across some men OLD who seem to have forgotten they have responsibilities to actually raise their children, and only get round to seeing them every few weeks. How anyone could chose to be with a man like this is beyond me. (Of course some men want to see their children more and are prevented from doing so by exes, but I suspect this is the exception not norm)

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:20

In my case, me ex sees the children every week, that’s not an issue (although some years ago now he ducked out of their lives for about 18 months with no explanation but has been consistent ever since). I can see why seeing children might be a nuisance and I know step parenting is very hard so can understand it (although would never consider it acceptable).

I also know,that there are women out there who make contact difficult. But does any of that justify the lack of financial support?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/12/2017 21:33

If I know that a friend or date doesn’t pay assuming it’s not a 50/50 situation then I ditch them. Weirdly a surprising amount of people like that also boast about it.

I do not want or need people like that in my life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/12/2017 21:38

I have also walked out in the middle of a date (dating 6 months) and never spoken to the bloke again after finding out that he didn’t and it was the reason my ex husband and I fell out because despite having seperate finances he attempted to use my kids to reduce his liability and I discovered he was in arrears as well.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:40

isn’t clear cut, is it? One parent can still be left with all the childcare costs, uniform, school trips etc. I also feel that where there is a major discrepancy in incomes, 50/50 even if done with a strict split of costs, is hardly fair. In a marriage where one parent earning £100k and the other earning £25k, there wouldn’t be a 50/50 split of costs so why like that post divorce?

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 09/12/2017 21:40

If he's that kind of guy then he'll spin her a yarn. She might not want to believe he's a dick so will swallow his lies. It's not always as straight forward as it looks.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:42

Your integrity is amazing needs.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/12/2017 21:45

It’s not integrity it’s knowing that if they do it to someone else they will do it to me.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:46

I agree, Kindergarten that frequently that’s probably the case. But the numbers who don’t pay maintenance are very high and it is something many are vocal about. I can understand not knowing, but what happens when the situation is discovered? How many walk away like needs? Is there ever reasonable motive? I’m not looking for a bun fight, I genuinely am interested in situations where it might be considered reasonable.

OP posts:
blahblahblah2000 · 09/12/2017 21:47

Usually the man is spinning stories about how the ex-wife “doesn’t allow contact” and that they are in fact paying
Maintenance.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:48

It’s not integrity it’s knowing that if they do it to someone else they will do it to me

And yet if you spend any time on the relationships board, you will know that we generally seem to see ourselves as superior in some way, or at least that it can never happen to us.

So yes, for me it’s integrity even if for you, it’s a basic survival vs. odds kind of thing!

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 09/12/2017 21:50

Confused. Are you hoping she walks away and leaves him? I could understand you asking what you should do if you found a partner was not paying but I can’t see why you’re so interested in what she is doing or might do.

JMKid · 09/12/2017 21:51

Some just don't care!! My ex is self employed only has never paid tax unbeknown to me. His girlfriend who I've met just made excuses for him and covered up for him. Guess some are happy to be whined and dined, bought nice things whilst not thinking that money belongs to the child.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2017 21:51

It’s even worse than that. There are some people who actively don’t want their partner to contribute, they see it in some way as spousal support rather than child support and want their partners money to go exclusively on them and the new family and resent any money being spent on kids from a previous relationship as they see the ex benefiting.

You see them posting on here. Now that’s abhorrant.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:52

No. Not interested at all in what my ex does. I am interested in why this situation is so prevalent in our society generally and wonder how people justify it.

For what it’s worth, this particular girlfriend is otherwise great and I have no desire to see the relationship fail.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/12/2017 21:55

He'll spin her a tale I expect. And probably justifies it to himself. If you can manage there really isn't any point in being bitter about it and dwelling on it. Unless he's submitting a false statement about his finances in which case then appeal or report.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:55

Yes, bluntness , I suspect that is very common and yes, seen it on here frequently. What is it that stops these women seeing things in the same way as needs ie. if he does it to her, he’ll do it to me? Is there something lacking in how we educate about relationships and self esteem?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:57

No point in appeal and reporting, He never does his accounts. He closes down a business every time accounts are due and sets up a new one. You would think HMRC would see the pattern but 10 years later here we are!

OP posts:
AmIthatbloodycold · 09/12/2017 21:58

My ex has only ever paid sporadically. He mucks DD about and didn't even send her a card on her 18thAngry

His new wife is lovely, friendly and I know that he will be full on spinning the evil Ex (me) stopping him seeing his daughter (not true) and taking him for what I can get.

I do wonder why she can't see through the bullshit.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/12/2017 22:01

For me personally it’s not even about money. I’m a decent earner and it makes no difference to my kids standards of living, it’s the attitude that comes with it (this may not make a whole lot of sense)

IME it is usually an action driven by spite and demonstrates a lack of care if you can do that to your own kids then nobody is safe from your spite

DailyMaileatmyshit · 09/12/2017 22:03

My ex fought desperately to see his son, but his ex partner took him out of the country. He used as much money as he could to find them, but to no avail. He didn't pay maintenance as his ex wouldn't let him. He did see and pay maintenance for an older daughter by another ex, they remained amicable and he remained very involved with his daughter. I have no reason to believe he didn't genuinely want that for his son. His ex partner however would tell her family that he refused to pay anything, and that's why she wouldn't let him see him. He got very depressed by it. I twas hard for me not to believe another woman though.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 22:05

Yep. I agree with that needs. A counsellor told me when my ex left to love my children more than I hated him and his actions, It has become clear over the years that he is unable to separate me from the children.

Are there any circumstances in which non payment may be justified?

OP posts:
Pardalis · 09/12/2017 22:11

There is no excuse except when a nrp is not earning and has no other income. My partner has been a sahd for 6 years now. Maintenance has been paid to his ex at the rate that he was last earning. It comes out of my wages apart from a period where it came out of an inheritance he had.
It's crippling financially but it's the morally correct thing to do. I want my step children to know that they are supported in every way