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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
WTAAF · 09/12/2017 23:28

I can say from direct observation that some people want the child as much as possible purely for means of getting as much maintenance as possible. The current set up means the person who has the child the majority of the time ends up better off and this can create a war zone around the child, and bitterness from a non resident parent who sees that they and their child get less time together than they should purely to financially improve the life of the resident parent. The court system needs to sort itself out so that kids aren't caught in the middle and have an automatic assumption of shared care unless clear and evidenced cause is shown why this shouldn't happen.

Missjaysays · 09/12/2017 23:31

OP
She doesn't justify it, I tell her it's disgusting and question what on Earth she thinks will happen to her if she fell pregnant to him and she says she doesn't know. She's weak, and he's, well in my opinion, emotionally abusive. She just doesn't see it, won't take any advice so I give up with her, I have my own life to deal with. I'll be there for her when it all goes pear shaped.

LineyRunner · 09/12/2017 23:36

The current set up means the person who has the child the majority of the time ends up better off

Utter bollocks

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 23:40

Utter bollocks

Couldn’t agree more.

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 09/12/2017 23:48

My ex doesn't pay maintenance for my kids. child maintenance service are chasing it but it's been 6months since I got a payment and that was when they deducted if from his benefits directly. He then signed off to avoid this. When he was previously working he had people spying on my social media etc and then messaged me asking how I could afford new boots when k was supposedly skint etc. He saw me spending my money on stuff for me and was angry about it so stopped paying. Now I can't afford anything for me as all of my wages and tax credits goes on bills and keeping the kids fed and clothed. While he has a new iphone, i pad, apple watch, Xbox etc. His justification is that when he paid I was going on the occasional night out and buying new clothes with HIS money, when in reality the maintenance was paying part of the bills and clothes and food for the kids and freeing up a bit of my money for me to actually have some sort of life.
His new girlfriend has two sons the same age as my two and I can only hope he treats them better than he treats mine. He's a piece of shit. He hasn't even attempted to see them for over a year, but does occasionally text to tell me he's taking me to court as I won't let him see them... He hasn't asked!

ThisLittleKitty · 10/12/2017 00:23

My ex doesn't pay a penny for our 4 kids. He certainly doesn't struggle getting women so alot just don't care.

Andrewofgg · 10/12/2017 00:28

If it is your brother, your son, your nephew does anyone suggest you should “choose” and have no more to do with him until he starts paying maintenance?

The OP seems to.

That’s not human nature, is it?

Every day in the magistrates’ courts men accused of d.v. are bailed pending trial or sentence because mother or sister or brother offers somewhere to stay. He is still their son etc. whatever he is accused of or even had admitted to. And that concerns violence, not money. That’s human nature.

NewLove · 10/12/2017 00:51

isn’t clear cut, is it? One parent can still be left with all the childcare costs, uniform, school trips etc. I also feel that where there is a major discrepancy in incomes, 50/50 even if done with a strict split of costs, is hardly fair. In a marriage where one parent earning £100k and the other earning £25k, there wouldn’t be a 50/50 split of costs so why like that post divorce?

That's why it is advisable to cover your backside with a ring if you're going to limit your earning potential. Marriage means a lot - I wouldn't have kids with a guy who was unwilling to marry me as it shows he is just thinking of his own financial security, not that of his family...

OutToGetYou · 10/12/2017 01:23

I once interviewed a guy for a job and when asked why he had left a previous job he said because he earned too much and had to pay too much maintenance to his ex.

Tech manager wanted to employ him. I vetoed as I said he lacked integrity (and was stupid enough to say that in an interview!).

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 10/12/2017 08:01

If more women refused to have sex with these men, and if they were shunned (as people who neglect their children should be) then they'd soon cough up

It is acceptable in today's society to impregnate multiple women, have multiple children, and not pay for any of them, with some weak explanation involving "a crazy ex". These men could be low or high earners, educated or not, it doesn't matter. The one thing they have in common is that they'll happily leave their kids with nothing, and nobody -not their friends, family, nobody - will judge them for it. Maybe there'll be one or two who do. But they'll keep their mouths shut and non paying dad will still be invited to the summer bbq, or for Christmas drinks.

MorrisZapp · 10/12/2017 08:25

Why do women accept shit men? For the same reasons you did, presumably.

This thread reeks of misogyny. It isn't the job of women to make sure other people's husbands toe the line. I've seen so many posters here baffled that their scumbag ex can get a girlfriend. It's not remotely baffling, you also entertained him didn't you?

Same goes for cheating. The responsibility for staying faithful lies with the two people within a marriage, not with the rest of the world.

LaurieMarlow · 10/12/2017 08:29

Interesting, as there are many of these men about. There must be lots of partners of them reading this thread and yet sailing on by without posting.

Howsthings1234 · 10/12/2017 08:32

No experience of this myself but a women I used to work with had a step son and it used to amaze me that she moaned about her husband having to pay child support when the mother was 'loaded'. It's his son for f**ks same!?!? Of course he should still contribute. The wealth of his ex wife is irrelevant. How could anyone begrudge that? Used to shock me that someone could see their step son as inconvenient and expensive. I wondered if it was a jealousy thing??

Creature2017 · 10/12/2017 08:43

I have not had second dates with men who choose not to support their children by the way so don't assume all women accept these men.
(My children's father doesn't pay).

I think his wife (she is very nice) is probably just told I earn more than my ex does (which is true but even so......) She is probably a bit naive about money too. My children once said when they saw her she said it was surprising their father lived in such a nice detached house as most of their friends could not afford it. (He lives there because I was obliged to buy it for him on our divorce !!!!! I provide her home). What surprises me more is that she was prepared to date a man who never has his children to stay, not even a night a year. May be she is told I or the children refuse and they also refuse holidays with him or may be she thinks it is not her business. Anyway I don't blame her. Any fault is the father's not the woman with him.

My sons had to prompt their father (very embarrassing for them) into a birthday present recently and it came a month late (many years he just does not bother).

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 10/12/2017 08:48

Because people are inherently selfish and their own needs and wants, and those if their own offspring trump the ex's who will be seen as trying to "bleed him dry" if there's an expectation of a reasonable financial contribution

Allthetuppences · 10/12/2017 08:49

I imagine most non maintenance payers either lie or their families, like my exMIL, seem to think it's money for me and tgat I am greedy etc as I get benefits (she thinks in reality I get nothing except state school, nhs etc like everyone else).
Even if I did her view is massively fucked up. She think he's a marvellous parent for paying less than his income/ contact would result in. With that constant praise he wont ever change. I can't imagine they're alone in their stupidity and ignorance.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 10/12/2017 08:50

Basically they either buy the lie he's peddling or don't give a shit

wednesdayswench · 10/12/2017 08:56

I would think a man who doesn't contribute to his children's upbringing is pathetic and spineless, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

I'm imagining he lies to her.

I'd have to say something, I wouldn't be able to help myself. I'd say this to her, in front of him preferably.

'I hope when you decide to have children with ex, you realise he's doesn't contribute financially to their upbringing, I've not had a penny from him, I do it all on my own' 'have I ex?'

Goodfood1 · 10/12/2017 09:04

It would be a deal breaker for me, also not seeing his children. I wold not accept that in a man

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 09:17

I found out a few years back that my best friend of 10 years had ignored all attempts to contact him regarding seeing his son. He had also ignored all contact about maintenance, constantly moving to avoid it. Eventually his son was adopted by his ex's new hubby & he just shrugged it off. Safe to say i no longer speak to him & would be tempted to whack him if i ever saw him.

My DD's dad hasn't paid anything or bothered with her much; for me it's a big bone of contention. I also have huge issues with any parent who plays god with their kid & witholds access...when you have to explain to your child why daddy doesn't bother, it grates to watch parents who want to be involved refused access. I'd cut all ties with anyone who thought either scenario was acceptable

Valerrie · 10/12/2017 09:19

My ExH pays nothing at all. DD is 9 and he left when she was 3.

First he moved 300 miles away, got someone else pregnant then left and moved 200 miles closer to me. He still sees that child, every other weekend as the mother is still single.

I can only assume he's told his family and the girlfriend he's been with for the last 4 years that I won't let him have contact. It's utter lies, we went through court for contact and he stopped turning up after about 6 visits as DD didn't want to go with him and he hated the contact centre. Hasn't seen her since.

He is self employed and I've tried reporting him. He closes the business down, puts them in his brother's /girlfriend's /mother's names.

He chose a woman older than him, no job or money and desperate to be loved. I have no idea how she can bear to be with him but I know he's a terrible liar and one of those men who is able to charm anyone he meets.

His business involves ripping off vulnerable people so it says it all really.

aurynne · 10/12/2017 09:22

Some women are funny. One of my friends married a guy who refused to have contact from his son from a previous relationship. They broke up and now my friend is divorced... and flabbergasted that her ex-H has no interest to see their son.

I do believe many women honestly believe they are the most special person in the world and the only one able to change any arsehole that crosses their path. Unlike any previous girlfriends/wives, who obviously didn't understand them.

Skarossinkplunger · 10/12/2017 09:25

I have a friend who’s girlfriend (now ex) got unexpectedly pregnant. They had been together 1 year and she was on the pill. 2 months after she told him he saw a message on her phone telling her best friend that not only had she not been taking her pill she had been seeing someone else.

Even though she wouldn’t consent to the child having a DNA test my friend still has to pay maintenance, but he choses not to see the child. I’m ok with that.

ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 09:28

I agree. It’s a very strange thing. I wouldn’t want to be with a man like that. When my ex’s girlfriend found out he wasn’t paying maintenance, she took my bank details and set up payments. She told him that it was appalling behaviour (I overheard the conversation). She left him later on to have kids with someone else.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 10/12/2017 09:41

My ex does pay via cms (despite throwing a total tantrum when it changed from csa which meant his £6k payrise was finally disclosed).

However he rarely sees the kids - twice in 17 months recently. I arranged to meet him and his gf some time ago to discuss getting contact back on some sort of regular routine - kids both having counselling due to feeling abandoned etc. Gf sat through everything I said and told me that 'he works so hard he needs weekends off and he really can't afford to see the kids any more than once every 6-9 months'.

She has grown up kids of her own. Fucking unbelievable that she acknowledged his behaviour and excused it to my face. She is a fairly competent woman with good job in the city too.