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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
ElChan03 · 13/12/2017 18:52

Well put @graphista however with a non paying nrp often step parents will be there to be financially responsible for the dsc. I know in my household as the sp I pay most of my wages towards the household bills and the children costs. But as I've said previously I would take deadbeat dm actually seeing them over her paying the measly 30 a month cm csa said she had to pay which she doesn't.

lifeandtheuniverse · 13/12/2017 19:24

Elchan - so you and your DP act like a family which is good and it is lovely that you help share the costs of the children.

That is a luxury that single parents with a non paying NRP - do not have. When NRP does not pay - someone still feeds clothes and cares for the children and this invariably the RP taking up the slack and going with out.

ElChan03 · 13/12/2017 19:34

I wish it was like being a family. Although I do my best for them I wouldn't say I'm allowed to be part of the family. I can't make any parental choices or get too involved or I get shouted down. It's why I wish their dm would pull her finger out as I am 100% not allowed to fill that spot. I just give them all my money, cook and clean and do their laundry. Lol I'm not being bitter though and I wouldn't ever want them to go without. It's just I guess it's easier to be a step dad than a step mum when you have the kids full time at home, well judging from opinions on mumsnet I see.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 13/12/2017 20:37

The fact my ex is a matinence dodger should be the least of his girlfriend's concerns. She accompanied him to criminal court to answer assault charges against me, accompanied him in family coirt where he admitted thr majority of 4 dozen allegations and she still has me down as the spiteful craxy ex.

MinorRSole · 13/12/2017 21:11

Some people are deluded @Bbbbbbbb2017
My ex's new wife admitted she knew he 'treated me badly' massive understatement but that it was my own fault and she won't be making him so unhappy that he behaves that way with her. Err, ok then

Graphista · 13/12/2017 21:32

I think maybe it's just cos it's very unusual to be full time stepmum. Sounds like you're doing a great job and will hopefully reap the rewards as time goes on from the children if not their deadbeat mother.

Step-parenting can be bloody hard. I've friends who've been raised by stepfathers from they were very young and that man is very much seen as much as dad as anyone else. One friend when getting married someone who didn't know the family very well (dad a good man too actually and only lived in next street) was asked "well yea but it'll be your REAL dad walks you down the aisle right?" Erm no they both did and both beamed with pride the 2 guys get on very well actually. Although very different people. The wedding was beautiful, they even did the fathers speech as a double act it was hilarious.

ElChan03 · 13/12/2017 21:40

Thanks @graphista. I do my best lol dp and kids are worth it.

RaymondinaReddington · 14/12/2017 01:11

It is completely baffling. I guess the explanation that the men lie is the easiest one. I suspect it is not that in many cases. My exH is just totally deluded an would quite proudly list all the things he does to reduce payments and defer paying. He does the same thing with the CMS on a regular basis. Pays nothing at all for about a year, then they take him to court, he postpones case last minute. Finally when they get him to court he pays. Then we do it all over again a year later. He’s self employed so manages to massvely reduce his net income and is only asked to pay a little. But he has no shame and I don’t think he hides it from anyone. Total man child.

pullingmyhairout1 · 14/12/2017 07:15

El I think being a step-parent is hard no matter your gender, but as said it is more unusual for a man to have residence of his child. You are trying, and that is the main thing!

This is all very raw to me, but I know my ex husbands girlfriend is moving in and that is ok with me as long as she is good to my dd. Tbh I wish the gf good luck. She's going to need it! 😂

catbasilio · 15/12/2017 12:16

Ehhh....
My boyfriend is fighting for access to his kids and emotionally is a good dad, but refuses to pay regular maintenance because he cannot control how his ex will spend it, and he pays as and when and rather gets some (sometimes unnecessary) stuff for his kids.
I tried to convince him for regular, even if smaller, maintenance, but he hates his ex so much (for not allowing access to his kids) that he wouldn't do anything to please her (even if it for his DC).

My exH on the other hand, pays regular agreed maintenance, but sees our kids once in 2-3 weeks, only daytime. Any more than that, or midweek, or sleepovers is too much inconvenience for him (he lives only 5 miles away).

Not sure which one's better!!! But obviously I've gone for emotional engagement rather than the financial one...

LineyRunner · 15/12/2017 12:35

But that's the oldest lie in the book - 'I'm not paying maintenance because she'll just piss it away on drinking and nail treatments ...'

My ExH said rubbish like this, too. Actually, the wine I drank was paid for by my wages. His maintenance was a very minor contribution towards supporting a decent home for his children.

The CSA garnished him in the end. Tosser. He also lied about 'fighting for access', although he may well have believed some of his own delusions and convinced his girlfriends.

Be careful, out there.

BoredOnMatLeave · 15/12/2017 13:07

I have an uncle who pays maintenance but won't have anything to do with his daughter, he met her once when she was a few weeks old and she is at school now. He has other children he is close to but for whatever reason decides he doesn't want this one.

I think he is fucking disgusting. We had a big falling out over it a few years ago. But I haven't completely cut him out as it would mean missing a lot of family gatherings which would upset my nan and grandad.

You should hear the excuses my nan gives him though. Things like "if she gave her his surname he would see her". His new girlfriend doesn't seem bothered by it at all.

The little girl is the sweetest, I look at her sometimes and think how the hell could he want nothing to do with her.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/12/2017 13:27

refuses to pay regular maintenance because he can't control how his ex will spend it
This says it all imo.
Massive red flag.

AlexaDoTheDishes · 15/12/2017 13:30

but refuses to pay regular maintenance because he cannot control how his ex will spend it, and he pays as and when and rather gets some (sometimes unnecessary) stuff for his kids.

Well there's your answer. What an absolute twat. And yet he attracts a girlfriend?!

VioletDaze · 15/12/2017 13:37

I have a family member who got a casual acquaintance pregnant as part of a one night stand. He was very clear he had no interest in being a father from the start. She wanted to go ahead. He agreed to pay CSA minimum amount (which he always did) but didn't want to meet the child or have any contact as he felt that would be promising a relationship he wasn't able to deliver.

I didn't entirely approve but felt it wasn't my business to try and bully him into feeling emotions he didn't feel. In the end the child was adopted by his step dad which family member was very positive about. He felt it was the right thing - he's adopted himself so it seemed to fit with his understanding of how family works, which is through choice, not genetics.

He did always pay the basics though.

thegrinchreaper · 15/12/2017 13:37

Appalling.

thegrinchreaper · 15/12/2017 13:39

Sorry that was in response to the controlling maintenance dodger.

Andrewofgg · 15/12/2017 14:24

Violetdaze Did he stop paying the basics after the adoption? He could: in the eyes of the law he stopped being the father.

VioletDaze · 15/12/2017 14:39

Andrewofgg - I actually don't know, but I presume he stopped, He was always very clear that he didn't view himself as a father anyway.

Graphista · 15/12/2017 18:01

Catbasilio you need to raise your standards, I'd rather be alone than with the lesser of 2 evils.

Queenofthestress · 15/12/2017 18:42

My ex's friends and girlfriend don't even know he has a 4 year old son, never mind about him paying maintenance. Then again he is at uni so doesn't have to apparently.

Graphista · 15/12/2017 20:59

Why doesn't he have to pay if he's at uni? Even on benefits he'd have to pay a nominal amount. And again as has been stated before a decent father doesn't need to be made to.

tamepanda · 15/12/2017 22:52

I can't stand my DM's husband - he owes £17k+ for his two DDs, and then £9k for his DS ...

My DM & DF split when I was 18 months, my DF was unemployed / self-employed / ill - so poor at times that my DM would drop me to stay with my DF with a bag a shopping so my dad had food in so I could eat! He still found a way to pay maintenance, even when he couldn't feed himself!

tamepanda · 15/12/2017 22:55

Can't understand why she'd start a relationship, live with and marry a man that did nothing for his kids after everything my dad did to provide.

zsazsajuju · 15/12/2017 23:04

It’s super hard being a step parent. Also some men (and I’m sure women) are good at talking a good game. My ex now objects to paying maintenance to me but told me that he was paying for his older children throughout our relationship. But I don’t know for sure how much he paid or when.

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