To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

Why is it (hypothetically) the new partners business. My ex has a new partner. He doesn’t pay and never has. But why is that her business?

It isn’t. Assuming the payment of maintenance is nothing other than a business transaction. But it’s more than that, surely? Not supporting your children says all sorts about your values and the kind of person you are. Do people enter relationships in such a ruthless way? I want a man who will deny the children he already has because that means he loves me and me alone?

Unfortunately I know of a situation whereby a woman had an affair with, then started a relationship with, a married man who had a daughter. The man left and they moved in together.

Her later attitude towards the financial support he was required to give his wife and daughter sounded awful.

Lots of resentment about how they couldn't afford things in their 'new life' together and built up debt.

Lots of talk about him being screwed over etc. Really awful attitude and seemingly no empathy for the fact that the ex wife had followed the partner around (military) and therefore perhaps had suffered in the employment stakes.

She then left him and went onto shag two other married men so maybe the terrible attitude shouldn't be a surprise

This will in the future be showing on their credit reports and will therefore have a much bigger impact on them going forward.

Margaret Cavendish that attitude is exactly the attitude I'm referring to. Scathing that he was required to support them.

Twoshades- that is disgusting.

Your DP controls what he spends on the children , ie, contributes to what clothes and items for schoool but am sure he forgets the other hidden costs. Does he cover a weekly shop once per month, travel costs, heating, electricitiy etc. Control like that is abuse.

ELchan - yes it can happen on both sides but lets be honest 90% of it is men

What I can not stand is the collusion of the new family and that is the new DP who justify cutting payments reducing contact etc because it does not fit in with their new family. Going on swanky holidays whilst not contirbuting should be illegal. You can go on your swanky holiday after you have paid your share.At that point the new partner is guilty . If I close my eyes it is not happening - it was not a justification at Nuremburg and it isn't in these cases.

MY Exs family, knew what a twunt he was being and I can not thank them enough, for their unquestioning support for my DCs. They still saw EX but made it clear, he does not control who they speak to see, see and support. Now he has left the OW - they have spelt it out clearly what they thought of his behaviour.

I've even lectured a stupid plumber who thought he should tell me about his ex was spending his tiny contribution on herself.

I think in the majority of cases - not on here, but in real life - minimal contact with any existing children is not only condoned but actively encouraged. This can also be seen in relations with the mans own parents and/or siblings, sometimes - “he’s got his own family now” is a much-heard phrase.

Surely the question should be why any parent could ever possibly think it is okay to do that to his own children. It is his responsibility to provide for his children.

What measures have you taken to ensure he pays? Have you contacted the Child Maintenance Service? Can they take the maintenance ditrectly from his earning of his bank account?

why do we not prosecute those who abuse and neglect by walking away or who deny financial responsibility? Where does responsibility for this abandonment start? The individual alone or is there wider responsibility?

So you're saying you think she should be prosecuted because he doesnt pay maintenance? Do you think she should bear the responsibility of paying the maintenance because he doesn't?

Who else would you like to see prosecuted and/or held responsible? His friends? His extended family? Anyone who speaks to him?

And you said yourself that you suspect she doesn't know.

abilockhart Sun 10-Dec-17 11:42:25
Surely the question should be why any parent could ever possibly think it is okay to do that to his own children. It is his responsibility to provide for his children.

What measures have you taken to ensure he pays? Have you contacted the Child Maintenance Service? Can the CMS take the maintenance directly from his earnings or his bank account?

My ex has never paid me a penny. He still sees the kids. Every other weekend a night in the week and half of the holidays.

He supports them emotionally not financially. But the not financially is his problem, todo with him - not todo with his new gf.

My partner has kids he is still supporting the youngest long after his support should have ended (SN) in terms of money and time so I am not advocating non payment at all.

I just don’t see why it’s the new partners business - justas it isn’t mine that my partner is still paying and having a high degree of nvolvement with his adult child.

I never asked for any money off my ex but then we had a pretty relaxed attitude to sharing costs

in the future be showing on their credit reports and will therefore have a much bigger impact on them going forward

It already shows up when CCJs are obtained. It doesn’t help those of us with £0 assessments due to dodgy accounting, perfectly legal accounting, everything in new wife’s name, cash in hand, tax evasion, agency working, giving up work to be supported by new partner.....

Oh really but WHY isany of that todo with his new partner? Why should she or he be held legally liable for his failings? Put the blame where it lies with the (mostly) man

No, I don’t think someone else should bear the responsibility. We do need to look at parents facing their responsibilities. Surely one way of doing that is friends/familiy/partners disappearing/making their views known, instead of it being the elephant in the room or the private matter that it is now? Again, is society as a whole not responsible for tackling the systematic abuse and neglect of children? Why is turning a blind eye acceptable if my ex refuses to feed his children but would land me in prison if I refused to do it?

I have not suggested anywhere that a new partner should be held legally responsible for non pay,ent of maintenance.

I know a woman who had an affair with an acquaintance's DP while acquaintance was 6 months pregnant. Acquaintance found out and gave him the boot. He also had 2 DC from a previous relationship and since then he has married and had a baby with OW, moved away completely abandoning his three other DC. Hasn't seen them or paid a penny since.

Both of them disgust me.

My exh's DP seems a nice woman although my contact with her is fairly limited. But exh despite his faults does pay decent maintenance and has regular contact with DS.

No one has said anything about an ex that refuses to feed his children?

If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

The overall context, perhaps.

Andrew punched his former wife Belinda makes Andrew sound like someone no woman should have anything to do with.

Andrew punched his former wife Belinda on the shoulder after she chased him to the furtherest corner of the house, throwing a flurry of punches at him, until his one punch stopped her, is a different story.

Andrew doesn't pay maintenance to his former wife Belinda for their child tells me nothing about what kind of person he is, as I don't know a hundredth of the facts I'd need to know to make a judgement.

And to clarify, by ‘wider responsibility’ I mean why do we stay with such men, why are they friends? Why do we not call them out on it?

And I wouldn't expect my ex's DP to have anything to do with maintenance. Exh and I have a private arrangement based on his wage only. I'm happy with what he pays me.

I don't know any real life examples of someone not paying maintenance, my answer was purely hypothetical.

If you don’t pay maintenance, you are refusing to feed your children.

Im not “turning a blind eye” itis justnone of my business. His bank account and what he chooses to do with itis not in my purview.

Refusing to pay maintenance is not at all the same as refusing to feed your children don’t talk nonsesense.