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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 10/12/2017 11:54

I find it abhorrent that any parent would choose not to support their child. It would absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship or friendship as I’d feel that I was on a completely different wavelength to that person.

Mxyzptlk · 10/12/2017 11:54

an automatic assumption of shared care

That could result in even more of a battleground and misery for kids.

At least if maintenance isn't paid, the kids need not be aware of it. If they are pushed into "shared care" with someone who is a shit they'll know all about that.

Andrewofgg · 10/12/2017 11:54

My nephew broke up with his son's mother - they are now together again.

While they were apart it did not occur to me to ask how much he was paying or to break contact with him if it was not enough. None of my damned business.

Does anyone here say I was wrong?

Jaxhog · 10/12/2017 11:56

Quite right. One of the worst excuses is 'it takes money away from my new family'. Something too many new partners go along with.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 11:58

Andrew makes a good. Point.

Imagine how I’d feel if people I just metwere quizzing me and OH about how much he pays is it in line with CMS do I get paid and how much and is it regular

I’d tell anyone even my parent to F off.

stitchglitched · 10/12/2017 11:58

Of course it is refusing to feed your child. Children don't go into a state of suspended animation and then come alive every other weekend when you can feed them during your contact time.

notangelinajolie · 10/12/2017 12:00

DH's sister's new partner positively boasted about it the very first time she introduced him to us. His kids with 3 different women don't receive anything because their mothers spend it on fancy holidays Hmm.

They are well suited though because she hates kids and agrees with him. She has always been very vocal about why she never had any. She is welcome to him especially if it stops him fathering anymore. Horrible little man.

BouncingIntoGraceland · 10/12/2017 12:00

I have a friend with an ex who doesn't pay anything towards their 3 dc.

He saw them regularly, and one of them even lived with him for a couple of months when he then thought it appropriate to ask her to pay him even though she had twice as many of their dc still with her.

He has a new gf now, she also has a child.
I know the new gf a little and her aunt very well.
The aunt asked me what I thought of her niece's new bloke and I didn't hold back.

Ex has a better than average paid job.
Cunt.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:00

But you don’t have the agency to feed your child when they’re with the other parent. That’s a stupid example.

Mxyzptlk · 10/12/2017 12:00

No-one says you should quiz everyone you know, about their maintenance. But if they tell you they're ducking out of paying, are you ok with it?

Mxyzptlk · 10/12/2017 12:01

Cancer, that's what the money is for.

Originalfoogirl · 10/12/2017 12:01

I mean why do we stay with such men, why are they friends?

“We” don’t. She might do, you don’t know. And if this wasn’t about her, why mention her? Why not just ask the general question?

As for friends. If we chose only to be friends with people who did exactly the same as us, who have values which align perfectly with outrs and who never made choices based on their own lives and their own situations, we’d be very lonely indeed. My best friends raise their children in a way I don’t agree with and wouldn’t choose myself, do I turn my back on them? Or sit in judgement? Nope, I let them get on with living their lives and I live mine.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:01

I have honestly never been in a position where I have asked.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 10/12/2017 12:03

The outstanding child maintenance bill in the UK is 3.8 billion The vast majority of children living in poverty do so because of NRPs refusing to pay maintenance. This is financial child abuse. Refusing to pay actively harms children. Demanding to see what maintenance is used for or refusing to pay directly to the RP is controlling behaviour, which is a type of domestic violence.

Men, and it is mostly men, who refuse to pay are abusive. We need to start recognises the consequences of poverty caused by financial abuse, as we do witnessing physical violence. New partners who know their partner refuses to pay or pays less than minimum are colluding in the financial abuse of children. If your partner can’t be honest with you about supporting his children (or you are with one who whines about never seeing his children but does nothing to solve this), then you need to be looking for a new partner. Because this man will fuck you over. Just as he did his children.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:03

And I genuinely have never been in a social situation with anyone who has said they are deliberately ducking out of paying maintenance.

My ex doesn’t pay but I don’t discuss that with anyone outside of my OH and my very best friend. Even my parents have never asked. Nor would I tell them if they did it’s not their business.

ElChan03 · 10/12/2017 12:08

It's just funny because my dp says that if he hadn't got residency of the kids... unlikely due to social service involvement etc, then his ex w would have been hounding him for money and would of denied him access. He has them full time and as I have a ft job I pay the bulk of the bills and anything extra the kids need. She pays nothing and doesn't even see them.

Sp who pick up the slack for non paying parents do deserve some acknowledgment. As often we get none of the nice parts that real parents do but all the money worries and parenting responsibilities and no thanks.

thegrinchreaper · 10/12/2017 12:12

Firesuit what possible reason could there be for not paying for your own child??
What do adult relationships have to do with it?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/12/2017 12:13

The outstanding child maintenance bill in the UK is 3.8 billion The vast majority of children living in poverty do so because of NRPs refusing to pay maintenance. This is financial child abuse

And yet some £3.9bn went on income support for lone parents (that's without JSA after the child turns five or WTC when they want to work part time) so both RP and NRP are doing what you quote not just one side.

There should be harsh penalties for failing to support a child on both sides. It's horrendous when you look at the numbers of people having children and then not supporting them. Society should shame them yet for some reason it's becoming the norm sadly.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2017 12:15

You certainly hinted at the responsibility of others for your ex not paying maintenance.

I think it's terrible that he's not paying but it's no one else's responsibility but his. I highly doubt he would have told her he pays nothing. I feel you are looking for solutions to him not paying ie putting pressure on people around him. Are you putting out feelers for whether this is a viable option? It's not. Can you contact CMS?

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2017 12:27

ELchan - yes it can happen on both sides but lets be honest 90% of it is men

It’s 90% men because men are almost exclusively nrp. I’d bet among the % of women nrp, the non payers would be higher than the male population.

Sds wanted to go to a sixth form near us. He was 16, his choice, and he wanted to live mainly with us as he could walk to school.

The reaction was pretty much that we were “taking her child away”, and no way was she paying maintenance to not live with her child. Suprisingly many agreed that we couldn’t expect her to pay us to look after her child, and how awful it was for her to only see him at weekends.

It wasn’t dh’s choice either, but the irony was lost. He’s a man.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 10/12/2017 12:27

Unless ive misread that seems to be a very shitty post yellow

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/12/2017 12:28

I don't think it will ever improve until we get tough and start taking driving licences off none payers.

Jaxhog · 10/12/2017 12:29

It's horrendous when you look at the numbers of people having children and then not supporting them. Society should shame them yet for some reason it's becoming the norm sadly.
And guess who's paying for this. Us.

Jaxhog · 10/12/2017 12:29

It's horrendous when you look at the numbers of people having children and then not supporting them. Society should shame them yet for some reason it's becoming the norm sadly.
And guess who's paying for this. Us.

LaurieMarlow · 10/12/2017 12:30

It absolutely is the same as refusing to feed your child cancer. HTH.