To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

Cat - oh my. Be careful you're not on the other side of that 'won't pay as can't control how you spend it' business.

My exH has significantly reduced child maintenance payments on a number of occasions, for the following reasons:

• (while I was below the poverty line and using food banks to survive) “You are claiming the benefits you’re entitled to and are clearly managing your finances well enough, therefore I will be reducing blah blah blah”
• (while I was still below the poverty line but had just started dating someone) “The fact that you have someone who can take you out to nice places for dinner means that he can now take over the role of spoiler and impressor, therefore I will be reducing the maintenance I pay blah blah blah”
• (while he was refusing to pay the mortgage on our marital home) “There is a loan in my name taken out from when we were married, they won’t go after you for repayment because your name’s not on it so I will be reducing the maintenance blah blah blah”
• (three years after we split and I had built myself a successful new life) “I’ve been online and see your company is operating very successfully, and that you had the funds to buy a £X house, that alongside with the new £X car you have shows that you continue to be a very successful business woman. I intend to move on myself in the near future and the reduction in maintenance clearly won’t make a huge difference to your lifestyle but could make all the difference to mine, so I’m reducing blah blah blah”

His partner has, right from the start, totally bought into all this. Her words at the very start, during the time I was having to use food banks to get food for the children: “she can’t have it both ways; she can’t leave the marriage but still expect to have some of his money. Cake and eat it”.

People can convince themselves ANYTHING is ethical if it’s profitable for them to do so.

My ex doesn't pay anything and for a long time had no contact with us at all. Now he does see DC occasionally. He had a partner for several years who believed the lies he told her (blaming me for no contact). Then she got pregnant and he did the same thing to her and finally the blinkers were off. Now he is with someone else, no kids yet, but I wonder why she can't see the kind of man he is. They are engaged but she has never even met his children.

When a parent doesn't take care of a child's needs it's neglect, plain and simple. I don't know why more people don't see it this way. If a father is going around telling lies to everyone about why he doesn't support his children, then he's a complete arse.

Some new girlfriends probably don't care about it, or overlook it but most are probably fed a whole load of lies about it. Women can be very naive about their partners, I see it all the time. Women are told to always see the best in people - fuck that.

People can. Onvince themselves ANYTHING is ethical if it's profitable for them to do so
This is true Greypaw