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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to tell MIL no?

187 replies

BornSinner · 03/12/2017 16:59

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 03/12/2017 17:01

"MIL I know you are keen to have dd to yourself for a couple of hours but I am not ready yet. Dont worry though, obviously you will be the first person I call when I am ready"

TrojansAreSmegheads · 03/12/2017 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488794856 · 03/12/2017 17:04

I think you just need to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready yet. Once I am you will be the first to know"

Easier said than done I know, my dd is 10 months, I have not left her yet and have no plans to. Mil makes similar comments to me on a regular and I have now resorted to just smiling, as she clearly is not getting the message.

You will get alot of people telling you that you should leave lo, and that is fine if it's what works for them, but there are plenty of us out there who feel the same as you do. It's your lo, if you don't want to leave her then simply don't.

And as for attachment issues, perhaps you could suggest mil reads a little into attachment parenting, she might be more understanding.

EvonneGoolagong · 03/12/2017 17:05

‘She’s a bit too little at the moment but I’m so pleased you’d like to help out. A few more months and DD will be ready’

abbsisspartacus · 03/12/2017 17:06

Attachment issues? At three months?

OnTheRise · 03/12/2017 17:11

Why does she think taking your baby from you for a few hours is going to help with any attachment issues? That's ridiculous.

Just be straight with her. Tell her you'll let her know if and when you want her to look after your baby but for now, you don't.

CisCucumber · 03/12/2017 17:14

She doesn't need to worry about attachment issues. The first attachment is to the parents. As long as that goes ok everything else will follow just fine

Anatidae · 03/12/2017 17:17

She wants to help attachment issues by taking the baby away from its main carer....? Baffling.

Just be polite but direct. ‘She’s too little to spend any significant time away right now. Once she’s a bit older you two will be great pals I’m sure - right now she needs to be near me.’

DeStijl · 03/12/2017 17:18

What attachment issues? Confused she's meant to be attached to you, she's 3 months old!
I'd go with what a pp said. You're not ready now and you'll let her know when you are.
I don't understand this obsession with having grandchildren alone.

BewareOfDragons · 03/12/2017 17:47

Just tell her you're not leaving her with anybody yet.
Or have your DH talk to her and ask her to stop bugging you about it. It's stressing you out, as you're both obviously not ready to leave the baby with anyone.

Original poster
BornSinner · 03/12/2017 17:51

I don't understand the need to "have her" either. Shes not a toy! And surely if we felt we needed some help we'd ask!
In passing DP mentioned how DD was very attached to me - he didn't mean anything by it. Then MIL started with "and as they go through the 'attachment/detachment' stage that will only get worse, so we can start taking DD for a few hours a week so she gets used to being with other people".
I just changed the subject, but don't understand it. Quite frankly I love having DD with me all the time. When she says she can take her to "give me some time" it makes it sound as though I resent her!

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 03/12/2017 17:54

God these people

Tell your MIL she’s had her turn with her own tiny babies and to wait until you are ready. I bet you a tenner she’ll be crossing boundaries when you are ready though, so get ready to get tough.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 03/12/2017 18:29

We've had this for 2.5 years. When you work it out let me know

Littlelambpeep · 03/12/2017 18:32

Your dp needs to sort this. Just the honest truth. She is a tiny baby and needs her mum. That's it. He needs to tell her not to keep on at you.

ClashCityRocker · 03/12/2017 18:36

I don't have kids, but, um, isn't a three month old EBF (or ff for that matter) supposed to be somewhat attached to the mother.....?

It's not like we're sea turtles or anything.

Is your mil of the 'you're making a rod for your own back' school of thought?

MsHopey · 03/12/2017 18:39

I bottle feed, so unfortunately don't have a real excuse, if you know what I mean. My little one is 4 and a half months, so far longest I've left him is 30 minutes, with his dad, while I had my smear test. I'm not happy about leaving him yet. I've had offers to take him off my hands so family can show him off or help me out. A lot of crap about doing me a favour because of helping with separation anxiety. I don't think anyone realises the only problem is I won't be able to relax without him with me.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskyinmarch · 03/12/2017 18:41

She has the whole attachment thing all wrong. The more time your DD spends creating a strong bond with you now the better she will be able to separate from you and form attachments with others as she grows. Your MIL needs to understand that your child needs this time with you and when she is old enough your MIL can have some time alone with her. But not yet!

Takeoutyourhen · 03/12/2017 18:43

Sounds like your MIL just wants an opportunity to tote your DD around and show her off to her own friends and neighbours/passersby and so on.
Do you go out together just you and her? Given half a chance I bet your MIL would jump for the opportunity at pushing the buggy and you can go out for a hot drink and enjoy it as MIL is holding the baby.

But as for the attachment nonsense that response sounded like she was priming your DH to do as she says. Your DH should back you up. It's a simple thing really.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/12/2017 18:46

Could you do a mini version of what she wants?

Get her to look after DD for a couple of hours a straight after a feed while you go get your hair cut or go for a run or something? Surely that would be helpful and would let her see that you are being 100% honest about it being too soon for full day care rather than a general rejection of her support.

Silverthorn · 03/12/2017 18:46

My 2ds are attached to me. However when we go to playgroup/softplay/the woods they both happily run off to play without a backward glance. Not so good in the woods! Maybe over-confidence is the issue your mil is referring to?

WishfulThinking27 · 03/12/2017 18:48

"I don't want to be away from DD yet I feel she's too young for it. Thanks anyway."

I genuinely don't see how that's difficult to say as it isn't rude at all.

Jessikita · 03/12/2017 18:49

I know she’s annoying you, but honestly I think her intentions are from the nicest place. She’s just absolutely in love with the baby and is just dying for a chance to get her hands on her alone and show her off!

My MIL was never interested in either of my kids so I would have relished this.

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 18:50

She doesn't understand how attachment works.

Certain people can't seem to understand that actually some of us don't find it helpful to have our babies taken away from us. For some of us it just causes upset and anxiety and sore boobs.

Next time just say 'thank you for the offer however I'm not ready to leave the baby yet and am happier having her with me all the time just now. In the future when I need a baby sitter of course I will come to you'

Jessikita · 03/12/2017 18:50

I think the attachment thing is a generarational thing. From where they were “bullied” into strict routines etc