How to tell MIL no?

[BornSinner]

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

@goose1964 not wanting to leave your tiny baby is a good enough reason. Just because you were happy to doesn't mean everyone is.

@Protectingmydaughterfromfilth
I left DS at a couple of weeks to go out for breakfast, I was kind of pushed in to it but at the same time felt fine when I was away and I struggled to bond and had a bad birthing experience too, I bet we're not the only ones either.

@kaytee but the baby isn't ff. it's better that she tells a white lie than makes her MIL upset or even worse starts one of those awkward female power play type wars. She doesn't have to make excuses or tell lies but it's useful to have sone plausible ones lined up when dealing with an overbearing grandmother.

Parental priority on what you are comfortable with and what you feel is best for your baby. Be clear about what your boundaries are. Some people have suggested something along lines of No thanks, not ready, will LYK when we are - I'd go with that.

Sure, it could be "desperate GP" wishing to spend time with GC (unfortunately that has a terrible hollow ring in our house...) but it's certainly not necessarily kindness if MIL is ignoring DIL's cues and trying to put pressure on when baby is 12wks.

I know what you mean @Ttbb but what if op moves onto formula and still isn't ready to leave her? Mil will then be even more upset. Best just to tell the truth i think.

@goose1964 she shouldn't need a reason other than "I don't want to".

Sorry, I wasn't in anyway suggesting that there would be issues leaving DD with MIL regarding attachment. I hope that's not how it came across - it's just that for me I'm not ready. I don't know why, I'm just not.
goose - I understand that you would want a different answer, but for me it's as simple as that. It's just a gut feeling and I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for it.
In regards anyone saying they did xyz at so many weeks old, that's great if that worked for you! :) I'm just not at that place yet.

That's fine OP, I was shouting at Ratio

It is a good enough reason if you just don't feel ready. That is perfectly fine. Anyone who does not accept that reason does not have your best interests at heart.

@kaytee true, OP would have to be mindful of that. My own experiences with my MIL have swayed me against being truthful if it can be avoided so I'm definitely biased in this respect.

It's MIL who's started the "power play" here not OP. Seriously who tries to take a baby away from its mother, at any age. If OP wanted to take MIL up on her offer of having baby for an hour she would ask! No need to keep repeating it and arguing over it - which is what MIL is doing.

Carry on OP you're doing well standing up to this frankly bullying behaviour.

My DM was the same in the beginning until I flat out told her to bog off - well in slightly more polite words but basically had to escalate from the polite "oh that would be nice, maybe later" to the flat out "NOT NOW HE'S TOO YOUNG STOP BANGING ON ABOUT IT". Still don't get the obsession with wanting to have DS on her own - she was allowed unlimited cuddles and photos etc. when she came to visit. She's even said on multiple occasions she wouldn't trust anyone with me as a baby so

Your DP needs to stand up for you and tell her firmly. If it were your own DM, I'm sure you'd have no problem telling her you weren't ready and to stop bloody banging on about it, it's hard with inlaws though as you feel like you need to be polite.
My MIL tried the same pushy insistence to get DS alone and DH told her NO.

As Remain says, you may need to be blunter. Lovely she wants to and is so interested in the baby, fine to ask you, but the banging on and on despite your answers means either she isn't understanding/hearing them, or she's intentionally ignoring your reply and pushing for you to give her the answer she wants. Either way, a more specific 'no, that won't be happening for a long time yet' may help.

I agree with pps, don't fall into the trap of explaining more than you already have, or to try and soften a no. People who say they need an explanation often actually mean they want a reason they agree with before they will accept your answer. So basically they don't agree with your right to set boundaries for yourself, they will only accept boundaries that they approve of. Explanations can be met with a whole lot of argument that you could do this, you could do that, you're being silly because y, I only want to x. The bottom line is that saying no to anyone doesn't require their agreement and permission, and you don't have to leave your baby anywhere unless its you that wants to do so.

Great Post sparkling really interest about those types of people not allowing you to set boundaries for yourself. However if they are extremely pushy, care not for boundaries, or op or ops dh it will still make
her life hell.

Yy Dino certainly not kindness pushing like that.

I definitely need to get better at saying "no". When it comes to my worklife etc I am much more assertive, but there is just something about MIL that makes it difficult for me.
I actually posted under another name a couple of months ago about when DD was born and MIL overstepped boundaries MASSIVELY at the time, both personally and professionally (some of you may remember what I'm talking about). Unfortunately several newspapers picked up the story and ran with it, and the damn thing ended up being discussed on an Australian news channel of all places!
But yes, in a nut shell MIL can be very pushy and grabby. I'll really try harder to nip it in the bud.

Oh she's THAT MIL???

She sounds like my mother. Keep those boundaries up and strong!

Also remember you're allowed to be as batshit crazy as you like with your reasoning because hormones - trust me, this works a treat as an excuse against unreasonable relatives. Prime your DH to use it as an excuse to your MIL.

You've got years ahead of you of your MIL butting in, doing things her way when she has the kids, etc etc. Good luck!

why are new mom's soooooooo insecure?
honestly let her take the little one around the block in the pram! if your unable to have the little one away from you at all then seek counselling because you need help.

I remember your last thread. Your MIL still sounds like a massive piece of work. VERY firm boundaries are needed here. Cut down on contact. Practise the MN favourite. “That doesn’t work for me”. Don’t give MIL a way in. Don’t say “ when DD is older” or “when DD is taking a bottle”. MIL will be ready to pounce as soon as your excuse runs out. You know MIL will take over. She has no boundaries. Remember how she behaved before. No empathy for you or your feelings.

Christmas - insecure?? How about I (the mother) don't want my DD pushed round the park for the appeasement of someone else?!
IHeart - oh aye!

Thanks Toads! She just can't help herself, its actually bizarre!
I might even just send a text in the morning to nip it in the bud asap - would something along the lines of "was lovely to see you and FIL yesterday. Thanks again for the offer of taking XX but I'll let you know if/when I'm ready for that. Happy with how things are at the moment and don't feel Im ready to be apart from her."
Or is that unnecessary and should I just leave it?

It's too indirect! You need to smile and say 'oh no, she's supposed to be attached to me at this age. That's how we do parenting now.'

maybe because you precious one are part of a family (joined via marriage or likewise) and you being and adult need to act like one and share. yes share the little one in good times and bad.

Hahaha Christmas that's hilarious. I'm guessing you're one of these grabby in-laws.