How to tell MIL no?

[BornSinner]

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

@Ttbb tbh I don't think op should use that excuse. Even if her baby was ff she still might not want to leave her. She doesn't have to make excuses or apologise for that.

Maybe just involve her more! Sounds counter intuitive but invite her to go shopping with you, she can push the buggy whilst you push the trolley (or she can reach you things if baby in a sling). She might be helpful... then when you want an hour to get your hair cut etc (as baby gets older), she could take her to a cafe, or watch her at home. She will be useful in the future, but make it very clear it's on your terms (and more subtly clear that she is on trial). Any advice you don't want refute with 'the research now shows....' or 'we've considered that, but have decided we want to do it this way...' etcetc.

I had exactly the same situation. It’s tough when you have to repeat yourself time and time again. I asked MIL early on if she would consider having DD one day a week when I returned to work and this instantly made things better, it was as if she knew her time would come.

Sorry mummy2017, I didn't read your post! Great minds though

I'm assuming she never breastfed her own children?

Quite honestly I wouldn't find it at all difficult to tell her that as the baby is breastfed she isn't ready to be looked after by anyone else. Just be assertive without being rude. It gets easier every time.

I think its lovely that you have a willing babysitter.

You're going to need her eventually (especially if you have number 2), so just keep her happy. You don't need to be with your LO all the time to be a good mum. You're also important as a person as is your relationship with your husband.

But, if you don't want to leave them yet, that's also fine. As the poster above said, keep her involved. We had no childcare when my DC1 and DC2 were tiny as my dad was dying and my MIL was useless and we had to rely on strangers. I much rather leave my children with family.

I think you just need to say that your baby is far too young to leave with anyone.

It may not be applicable in this case, but if she has a friend that looks after a baby in similar circumstances it does seem to trigger this kind of response! My own mum offered to take my baby overnight - she'd never have let anyone take me! Reason seems to leave the building over grandchildren!

I doesn't have to be a three hour thing. I'd be surprised if a trip to the nearest cafe or shop with your dh wouldn't be a good thing for both of you. A half hour walk in the fresh air even. It's a strange feeling to have both your hands to yourself again! There's no virtue in being on duty 24/7, and it would give a crumb to your mil.

You just keep saying no OP.

She may well not give it up, and may well push for lots of other things that are not right for your DC.

Time to get good at saying 'no' each time.

Don't bother explaining / apologising / promising something in the future.

Just no.

Our eldest is now four. PIL have cared for them in the day, but not overnight. MIL keeps pushing for this, but in all likelihood it will never happen.

But no need to tell her that. Just a 'no thank you' each time it arises.

MN classic: no is a complete sentence.

My DC love going to my mum's overnight and as they've always done it it's never been an issue.

I feel like such a terrible Mum after having read this thread... I left my DD at 3 weeks old for 3 hours....

There was (and still is 3 years later) bonding issues after a horrific birth and other reasons. No wonder my Mum made the comment she did... :(

Thanks for all the advice and different perspectives. I will stick to my guns and keep saying no until I'm ready to be without DD for some time. If she doesn't take no for an answer next time then I'll insist DP makes it clear.
As a PP said - I know that she wouldn't have left any of her 3 boys with FIL's parents when they were younger, but has been saying this about DD since she was 6weeks old!
I'm really happy PIL's are a big part of DDs life, but don't see why that relationship can't be formed when I'm there too.

Protecting - no, that's not true at all. You did what was right for you! There's no right or wrong timescale, I'm just not ready yet.

Give her a copy of Why Love Matters, which explains in scientific terms exactly why a mother leaving her baby at 3 months old CAUSES attachment issues.

For an hour, Ratio? Bollocks.

Ah, sorry perfect storm X-post. Op, it's a really good book!

Ahh thank you, I'm going to order it!

Thankyou OP. I've come to realise how important that bonding really is. Don't let anyone mess that up for you xx

Also, that's a dangerous thing to bandy about. Great way to make mums who needed help, or went for a night out, or were ill feel like shit. I was so ill when DS was that age I could barely look after him. He's 8 now and guess what, no attachment issues. He's attached to me, to DH, to my mum, to the whole family, but mostly to me. Chucking that statement around is bloody outrageous. We're not talking about babies who are abandoned here, we're talking about a loving grandma wanting a couple of hours with her granddaughter. FFS.

I would be incredibly hurt if my daughter stopped me from looking after my grandson for a few hours if she didn't say why. Explain you're breast feed so can't leave them. However I have an idea, if you have a new baby you must be exhausted, why don't you ask her to look after the baby whilst you get some sleep. I've done this a few times for DD and it was appreciated

Thanks Peng. Thought I was going insane there.

There are children in the care system who have been irreparably damaged by abandonment and lack of attachment as babies. This is not what we are talking about here to and to equate the two is beyond offensive.

Mine all started life in ICU, didn't even see Ds2 for 3 days cos I was in the adult ICU ... he's thoroughly attached now

OP I would say "MIL please stop asking, it's going to be months before we're ready for that. Now, have you got friends you want to show her off to? I could come round for coffee one morning ... Or would you like to come to xxx with me, would be so nice to have you to hold her " etc.

But Goose, she has said why. It's because she isn't ready to be apart from her daughter. Perfectly good reason!

That's not a reason for a doting grandmother,it just makes OP seem precious. She needs to say that she is exclusively breast feedback and she doesn't know how long it will be between feeds. Sometimes you need to give an actual reason. My kids were left with their grandparents from a few weeks old because I knew I could trust them